A lot has happened with me, I feel like venting, perhaps this can also help some of the girls who are still starting as well.
I think I began around october of 2009, when dysphoria hit me really hard. Around that month I joined Susans, which was a forum I had been reading without posting, began growing my hair out and began laser on my face as well as researching for voice therapy. I remember coming out to my close friends not longer after, who said they'd be supportive and try to transition along.
Brazil has a fame for having many TG people from what I am told often around here. Sadly, the health care system is not ready for this reality. There is no endo I could go to either in my city I attend university at or my hometown. This kind of care is only available in four cities of Brazil, though the public health system. This means there is a bureaucratic road to follow and a wait list. And no, no GP will ever prescribe hormones to a MTF or FTM around here.
The plus side is that those services are complete. They offer psychiatrists, social workers, psychologists, HRT, all for free. Anyway, I have not managed to get there yet. I am a medicine student, and it is hard to explain, but a whole month flies by when all you do is work and study all day. The few breaks I could manage to try and find a way to do this where meet with failures due to one reason or another, such as "oh, that file is missing" (after a whole afternoon of going to one office to another) or "oh, I am sorry, I am not the one you are supposed to see, you must see X"
So crap, dysphoria was eating me alive, my anti-depressants were helping me to crawl merely, so I went and self-med. I figured I knew the hormones upsidedown and under the water if I needed be, along with physiology, puberty, and a bunch of things that I went to study on reliable sources once I took this decision. Since I have the medical training to do this, I saw it as a option for me.
Dysphoria had got me in touch with someone I had not been in a while. When I began having panic attacks, I had them about 8 times a day in the worse phase, I asked for someone to help me. She gave me a bit of initial support, did not show any kind of prejudice and was sympathetic. I lived alone though, I didn't know what to tell to my parents who were miles away, and so I faced that heavy phase alone. I remember having problems with many things, such as showering because I couldn't stand to see my face. It got to a point where I was not able to talk anymore, I thought I was slowly vanishing.
So after about a month on hormones I noticed dysphoria was fadding, and I had began training my voice which was getting better! I did feel better just with the first day of threatment, because I was finally doing something about it. Someone in University did me the favour of spreading I was on hormones, so at the first month, still with a lot of beard shadow, I was out to everyone. Kudos to my friends I suppose. I remember it got very awnkward being in the male bathroom REALLY fast, but I still wans't able to go to the girls bathroom.
They said they would transition with me I remember and I told them I would really need they changed their pronouns once I was full time, I didn't know when it would happen, but I thought I would be doing it -this- April (yes, the april that didn't come yet!) after about a year on HRT. I would take the decision once people began to refer to me as a woman, even if I was in guys clothes and not trying to pass at all. I figured this would push the timeline fairly back, I was also scared. Some of my friends seemed to agree with this, perhaps they believed this day would never come at all. I remember talking with a friend if I would go to our graduation party as a woman or a man, and we were doubtful if HRT would work so quickly.
Last August, the new patients I saw at a basic health care unit all refered to me as a she, I had no makeup, had male overalls and was still presenting as male. I began using gender neutral pronouns to refer to myself, and once I did so, none of them spoke of me as a male. This happened fairly often in front of my teacher there as well, and he was confused at first. Anyway, I had my voice fairly sorted out at this moment and was certainly using my female voice all the time as well, so this was not based on looks only obviously.
So I felt the timeline had been meet. Much earlier than I thought it would, By early August I dropped the guys clothes for day to day things. I spoke with the authorities of my medicine school and they supported me, and I went full time at work. They even changed my name on our work scales, what helped me a lot. i remember I had a huge kick just by being refered by female pronouns, and actually that was enough for me to get to work. I worked a LOT, really happy, just to be seen as a woman.
I had two close friends from University in those days. One of them was being supportive, another one was stuck. Anyway, the one who was supportive, began not being so much once I decided to go to class with female clothes. I remember planning this as follows: I would give her a ride, telling her beforehand what I would do, and we would arrive early so I would not have to face a class full of students once I arrived. Once she saw me, she freaked out and went saying "I don't believe you have the guts to do this, you are overdoing it!" I asked her if I was well dressed and the only answer I got was "I wont comment on it". She wanted to go to the library first, and so we arrived late for class. I got all kinds of awnkward stares, a girl said loud "oh my god!", and I found two people who weren't looking at me like I was an alien and I took a seat near them. I watched class as usual, and I left it alone, the friend I gave a ride to didn't want to come back home with me.
Of the other friend, I remember hearing a bunch of passive-agressive things from her, such as "I don't know how you -dare- come to class dressed like this!", to which I answered, or attempted to answer, calmly, with "these are the clothes I like, I am sorry". Besides having told me she would try to correct pronoun usage, later on the said she never would even attempt to. I was 3 months full time already, I had not heard a single she or her from this person and I thought "well, that is that" and pushed her away.
Those friends were close, and losing them hurt. On another hand, I wonder if they were ever friends at all. I remember this girl refusing to use correct pronouns, but trying to sell makeup to me later on.
At medical school, things were going smoothly. The folks who went with me to the hospital (we are a group of 7) were slowly adapting and oddly, making a noticeable effort on changing pronouns or using gender neutral pronouns. They have adapted fairly well by now and have no problems referring me as someone of the female gender and actually, actively do so. I never asked the guys to do it and only asked the other two girls once. I feel closer to them these days than to anyone else in our class.
There is a whole lot of things happening with my family and speaking about it would require a post larger than this on it's own. Basically, they are sometimes VERY aggressive, and I did fear physical retaliation at some points (the murder kind of retaliation yep, just search for older posts) but I gave away my guts, bones and blood and just today I sat on the lunch table with my dad, dressed as a woman. My name change still is a HUGE issue to them, but if I changed things from "I WANT TO KIlLL YOU, I ALREADY HAVE THE GUN!" to "Hello, good morning!" I think I will manage.
My friends that are not from university have been VERY supportive, without exceptions, and I am incredibly happy to have them. If there is a lesson this whole thing has given me, is to give proper value to real friends. I'm at a point I can't go to a party with my university classmates without feeling alone and isolated, because barely anyone will even talk with me, but outside of that environment, I am accepted and welcome, even with all the flaws I have.
At this moment I think I am passing most often than not and things are settling in.There are many people who know I am TG, yet they threat me as a woman, kiss on the cheek to say hi included! I have lost nearly all contact with my uni classmates, but I am closer than ever with the group i go to work with, where before it was hard to get along with them. I also managed to make new friends, outside of university, and very easily!
My dysphoria used to be overwhelming and ever lasting, it is all but gone now and I see many things on the horizon waiting for me. I think I have been having a rough ride, though not as rough as some of you here have had. The things I thought I would lose, I didn't and the things I had for granted, I lost. It has been incredibly worthwhile though, nothing will ever beat waking up and looking at myself on the mirror, the realm me, instead of a man I am unsure who is, but insists on staring back at me.
In the end, I am also sure I will look back at this whole mess and be proud of myself.
