Uhoh....I Finally Told Her....

[King Malachite]

I came out to one of my sisters finally. She was talking about the news about Isarael and war so I thought to myself "well this is a good time to tell her lol" Her reaction was kind of what I had expected since she's a pastor.  The convo lasted over an hour but in a nutshell she told me that she think's it's the devil and that it the reason I feel this way is because I harvest alot of hurt and pain from my childhood so I have build up a wall attached myself to a "masculine spirit".  I've tried to explain to her that the pain etc. stems from being trans but she thinks that it's from some other deep emotional issue but she disagrees and feel it's a fact that I'm not really trans and that even if I got the surgeries they would not make me happy.

I told her that I just want to see myself happy and transitioning is the way to do it for me and she told me that I need to focus on God instead of myself because the flesh is weak or something like that.  She said that she was just going to pray on the issue and told me I need to release my pain to find joy.  The thing is I won't find joy until I can be who I am. 

She was very calm and professional about it and we both agreed to disagree.    She said that she would always love me no matter what but to consider what she said and I told her I would consider it but deep down I know this is who I am.  I asked her if she would even see me as male and she said no she will just see the person inside of me.

I tried to add humor to the convo and asked jokingly "so I guess this means that you won't be with me in the operating room or help me recover or help give me hormomes?"  She laughed and said no that she couldn't be with me during the operation but she may help me recover.  Then she told me that she wouldn't know what she would do and that she would be disappointed and hurt but I'm an adult and I make my own decisions.

I told her that I could imagine her saying after the operation "you made the wrong choice and you just threw away your life" and we both laughed.

Now I hope I won't be having those dreams of coming out to her anymore.

[Kreuzfidel]

That's a big step, mate!  Congrats and it should be a weight off your mind.  Don't let others project their fears on you.  In one ear and out the other.  I won't even comment on the religious stuff as it's pointless.  You know what's best for you.

[schism]

I came out to one of my sisters finally. She was talking about the news about Isarael and war so I thought to myself "well this is a good time to tell her lol" Her reaction was kind of what I had expected since she's a pastor.  The convo lasted over an hour but in a nutshell she told me that she think's it's the devil and that it the reason I feel this way is because I harvest alot of hurt and pain from my childhood so I have build up a wall attached myself to a "masculine spirit".  I've tried to explain to her that the pain etc. stems from being trans but she thinks that it's from some other deep emotional issue but she disagrees and feel it's a fact that I'm not really trans and that even if I got the surgeries they would not make me happy.

man, i relate to this so much.  i was raised in a christian household and my mum pretty much believes exactly the same thing.  all my problems she has blamed on demons and the devil and equated it to past hurts and insists on trying to convince me that i can be saved by jesus.  she's not aggressive with it like she used to be but it's so difficult trying to maintain a relationship with her when there's this wall of religion between us, and it's a damn shame. 

[King Malachite]

@Kreuzfidel thanks man!  It DOES feel like a huge weight off my shoulders.  Her words did kind of get to me though and made me feel like I was being selfish.  I even questioned myself if what she was saying might have been true but I quickly came to the decision that I just know what I want.

@schism Thanks man I was wondering had anyone else had a similar experience like mine.  I think people are so quick to write everything off as "past hurts" or "you are doing this because that and this happened and your father wasn't around etc." or just basically have the idea that "you think you are trans because most of these bad things" when in reality, many of these things probably happened to me as a result of being trans. schism don't you feel happier since you have transitioned and if you want any surgeries wouldn't that make you happy as well?  It's so hard for me to understand her view as only seeing it as the devil when it fact there are millions of people out there who transition and have found happiness that they could NEVER experience before because from what I've heard some would say pre transition it was more about just trying to survive and get by and adapting in the world but since transitioning it was more about thriving and being happy with who they were and finding themselves because now they can project themselves to the world and let people see how they really are instead of just taking a backseat.  While I do agree that some people don't find happiness by transitioning that is only a few and a far but for many others it's really hard for me to believe that they AREN'T really happy and that everyone of us just THINK that we are happy doing that.

I think our relationship will be strained once I can transition due to this wall of religion and I think it's sad.

[schism]

dude, yes, exactly this.... you're echoing so much of my thoughts and experiences, i completely agree-- along with some other crap i went through, my mum continuously brings up the fact my dad left, when it's something i've long put behind me, like she wants to keep it alive and insists i need healing from it... except i've worked through it in my own way.  i'm happier than i've ever been in my whole life, i just hope she can eventually recognise that. 

[King Malachite]

I feel the same way man and I told her now that I'm actually happy now that I found the root of my depression.  I've learned to move on from most of the people who've hurt me and started focusing on myself and health which is something I've never done before.  I hope she recognizes how I feel is actually just me too.

[Renton]

Congrats on getting a step closer.

My family isn't religious, so I can't quite relate to that aspect, but I do fear my mother blaming everything on childhood because my dad wasn't exactly the best, and there was a lot of fighting and abuse between them. She thinks it's why people are homosexuals, too, and she can't differentiate between being trans and being gay. She's not as homophobic or transphobic as she sounds, because she's quite accepting of my LGBT friends, but there's still that bias. I don't blame her for why she thinks that way, though, because she did grow up in a religious environment, and nontraditional gender roles were looked down upon.

[Catherine Sarah]

Congratulations Malachite,

You're got some of the rough stuff over and done with, and you are moving on. Fabulous for you. Hope you are going to celebrate it in some small way. You deserve it.

Even today, I can see fantastic growth spurts happening to you. I read your post about THE plan. You are absolutely on fire.  Keep up the great work.

Be safe, well and happy
Lotsa huggs
Catherine