I remember being 12 and crying inside because I wanted to be a girl.. I constantly wore dresses when others werent home.. I would make wishes to whatever was out there to turn me into a girl for my happiness.. I still struggle with the feelings.. when I wear suits.. when I had a girlfriend..when i Look in the mirror.. or i see a thin pretty women with long hair.. or another transgender that got to go with it.. but I never wanted it.. I wanted to be a man like my dad. I recall being confused as a young boy, but not am i a girl or am i a boy.. i just didn't have a connection inside to what i was..
I can't describe it..just a lack of a sense of what i was. Im talking 2-3 and make a conscious decision to be a little man.except at that time young girls were gross and young boys were to crazy and aggressive for me. I decided at that time would grow up to be just like my dad. but this world doesn't allow that and its gory expectations of what im supposed to be doesn't match up to a loving, sensitive, feeling, caring, calm and mild non disgusting sexually moral person I want to be. . I'm 30 years old now and those feelings haven't left me. When i wear mens clothes i feel incomplete. I Married my friend and whenever Im with her I just don't feel right.. but I want to be. I do care about her though.
I made the conscious choice to be straight when I was 17-18 and desired to be with a girl named Jaymee.. It didn't happen and because this world forces you to act like you'd rather not I felt forced to fit in so I created this false feeling that i needed to have sex to be a man. We know the struggle between straight and gay..
I never liked men sexually but I had liked other transgender for comforts sake and my desire to conform to what I wanted to do was failing because I wound up with a girl I didn't love..I could have changed my outlook and coped with my feelings had i just stuck to a girl i love but I didn't and it was terrible to for me . It can be done.. but I made the mistake and I had no helper to guide me around life. I can't blame anyone because I never told anyone because I knew it would give me problems and it would hurt people I cared about. This world is crazy and I always fealt something wasn't right.. I came across a girl in school that I just loved..Not romantically but I fealt really good around her.
She was so different from the other people around me..again I do struggle with transgender feelings. and I lock it away. I was never attracted to men. i was never really sexual at all, I only really created the desire for it because everything around you according to the topic says you are crazy if you aren't.. I just really needed to be a girl. It turned out that she was one of Jehovah's Witnesses and I never knew what they were or heard of them but months before I knew this girl was one,i gred to really care about her. and she was so cool and kind and had this completely different freeness about her speach and actions. Evven compared to other girls that are considered quiet or good or nice. She was completely greater in a way i didn't understand.
Long story short, I began struggling with my sexuallity again though i never really wanted either, around 19-20, I had just quit Airforce basic training because Im not that kind of person at all and did it for the sake of my father. kind of the same feeling I get when I wear mens clothing. Anyway, I got back around my friends and the struggles of every youth in an unstable life got the better of me and I finally found out what I was lacking after I had a near death experience or so I thought. I always wanted to learn about jesus and God but evvery church i had been to never worked..I always felt a lacking from what i learned about christ and what god was really like.. hellfire, killing for no reason. taking everyones money and just talking about feel good things and contradict what I heard about what the bible was.. I never read the bible because our family never had one or cared..
I never read it until I was 20. I asked erica, the girl I mentioned earlier, for one after my experience. She gave me another book about christ on earth and when I read it I cryed out and said This is the truth!! I experienced a huge change in my life because I finally got to read what actually had sense in it. I struggled over the next few years to commit to it because of my horrible choices and expectations but I overcame them and finally got involved with Jehovah's witnesses. I read that god doesn't burn people in fire forever and doesn't kill people to get what he wants.
He trys to help us but the devil is complicating things and trying to convince the world that there is no danger and that God doesn't care about us or that he's evil. but I know now we aren't supposed to be like we are and Jesus christs real reason to be reavealed is to break up the works of the devil and make it all better. They call it a new world and I know now from reading it!! that everything we are tought or told about God or armageddon and the so called apocalypse are wrong. I can't answer all of it but a lot of transgender people that want to not be transgender have a feeling that there is something else or don't have words for it but for me I have to say this was it.. I can say I know whats can be done about it all. I got involved with the witnesses and My struggle has been given a promise from the truth that I have read! that the truth of the bible has been misrepresented.. and God as he is has been given the wrong idea given to him. why is it then if not that so many people with a religion are still unhappy..and still can't give a concrete answer to life and every problem.
if it doesn't set you free I'm going to say it must not be the greatest truth there is. Im still fighting with my problems but I know it will be gone from me at sometime near. and its not as overwhelming as it was before i learned these things. At the core of myself i'm free from it all. Im not here to make a fight but to aid other people like me that really want to get rid of these things like I had.. if you want to carry on as you are ok.. but I'd say try and give a prayer a chance to Jehovah in christ's name and try and give witnesses a go. I'm happier for it. I know a pair of twins in the phillipines, and from when they could walk and talk said they were girls and played dress up and had dolls.. they grew up and became popular as ->-bleeped-<-s, they were on tv and were famous for it. they both read with the witneses. had bible studies and learned the same thing I have. One of them really liked the good news and learned the truth of the promised new world free of imperfection and sin and lies.. the other liked it but decided to remain trans.
I really need to lay this down... before I learned these things I really NEEDED to be a girl to gain happiness.. now its not so hard. Im happy to some degree how things worked out because If my parents had known and condoned it me think Iwas ok for me to act this way I probably would have wanted hormone therapy, but to I worked out got muscles and begain looking more like a man..so after a certain point i realized i couldn't be physically as convincing as a girl as I wanted to be and caused me to keep trying to hide. as your mind can sometimes tell you that you have to.. ask you think the world kicks you into.. that fact helped me to go against my feelings. of course at the time I wanted nothing more than to become a girl so it wasn't good for me then..
I still want the pain to go away but deep in me the greater desire to be different overtakes my "external" feelings to be a woman.. I still want to cry from my desire to be a girl but I know it itsn't how its supposed to be because that wasn't how god made us.. We think we are like we are because its how god made man but it isn't. and all the confusing stuff about god out there has shaped our thoughts against what is real. but anyway I want to help whoever can be helped because I know there are others out there like myself that don't want to give into these feelings for whatever reason.. Jehovah's promise to get rid of our pain controls my life to the point that the pain isn't so hard anymore.. When I get tired and weak I fight it but the truth is that it will all be done away with and we can all function like we are supposed to in the right way and free from angry, mean, overly harsh, hurtful people and awkward thoughts and feelings and struggles.
I want to get peace and so can you or your friends. Goodbye I hope you are helped and find the truth. I edited this but I got emo when I went to edit it so it might not be the greatest story ever told. But jehovah is my stronghold and and I get help when I pray to him.. He doesn't hate us.. the whole thing is that the devil has misguided people so that they won't find out that he's actually the one to blame for all of our physical issues.. Men were men, women were women.... While I can't fight the feelings I have at times and the way I think here and there.. because it felt real at the time.. I know now it wasn't supposed to feel like this.. So im going to struggle ahead because of telling God(Jehovah) that I want to do whats good.. he has lessened my pain so that I can keep going and at times I even forget my situation as if I'm already where he wants me.. he wants us to get help but he also doesn't want us to do what we do because it isn't how it was originally intended and to think about it like that explains all the internal conflicts!! I know that he still accepts me as long as I keep trying and loving and liking the good things that he likes.. because its not me.. he wants whats good for everyone. just so many lies around..its truly amazing to find out so many religions leave so much out and make God out to be something that he isn't..especially when things are taken out of the big picture.. It makes me sad to think so many transgender,->-bleeped-<-s, gays, lesbians and so forth have closed their heart to God because of all the false information out there about the bible, God and christ. So sad.. I'm glad I learned the reality and listened to my friend Erica in high school.. yay
I mean look at flowers and cats and puppies... how could a cruel uncaring father make good stuff like that.. this world has stuffed to many lies in our minds and it has caused us to make choices that werent based on truth and reality.!! please consider going to jw.org or talk to a Witness when you can because you may like what they say. tell them you want to hear what they have to say. ok bye. for real.
Agaiin, Im sorry if this was incoherent in any way.. I've never actually expressed this out loud until this post.
