I feel like just giving up

[nickm1492]

Last night was terrible. Over the past few days, I have gone through a rollercoaster of emotions. It's been some really big high's and some really big low's.
I went to my first official appointment with the counselor at school. This lady, really has an extremely limited experience with trans people. And throughout the session I felt like she was judging me. Now, I've been to other psychologists/counselors before. So I know how it is. And I can say that most if not all of those times, I never felt judged or felt like they were being rude. This lady had an attitude throughout that just didn't settle right. She is really going to make me go through counseling for a while before she even considers helping me. That got me extremely depressed. I don't get the feeling that she is going to help me any time soon. I will give it another go though because at this point I have no other choice.

I've been in a sad mood. Just because things aren't going the way I had hoped and I realize I'm going to be stuck in this body for even longer. So I have been moody around my family even more. But for that reason, I keep to myself. I don't want drama and I don't want to bug them. My mother and grandmother have shown support up until now. Last night though my mother started to ask what was wrong with me. Why I was treating them so badly and what not. She kept calling me her daughter. I mean she said it like 3 times in the matter of a minute. And then she said I wasn't being the "mature woman" I claimed to be. At this point it was a fight. But I admitted to her that apart from everything, it was hurting me that they kept calling me "she" and other female names. It just sort of makes me feel like I'm some girl pretending to be a boy. Well, when my grandmother heard what was going on, she came over. She asked what was happening. My mom told her what I had said. My grandmother basically started saying "What's wrong with her? She just wants attention. What the hell is wrong with her? What is she thinking?" I don't understand it...Either she suppports me or not. She has seen two other people in her family transition. But no matter what, I feel like she will always judge me in a different light. She said that they never had problems like I do. That it was easier for them or something. Mind you they transitioned like 30+ years ago. I never knew them. And I am sure they just never spoke of the pain and problems.

At this point, I have broken down. I don't even feel like transition is worth it. I'm so hurt. I cried enough last night. I just want to give up. Transition, being what I am, has caused me nothing but pain and depression. 

[Squirrel698]

I've gotta tell you dude, my therapist made me wait over a year before she gave me a letter.  She was an experienced gender counselor so it wasn't because of misunderstanding.  I'm glad she made me wait because of the magnitude of the decision.  After waiting that long I knew this is the right path for me.  I'm sorry the school counselor doesn't seem to knowledgeable.  It's her job to screen for kids who are doing this for attention or for necessity.  If you keep calm and stick to your guns, your point will eventually make it through.

As for your home life, sadly at this point in your life you are stuck.  The fact of the matter is, no one was ever convinced by sullen, hateful silences.  You can't coerce their understanding with the silent treatment.  When you throw a temper tantrum, even a silent one, everyone's respect for you goes right out the door.  If you want to convince your Mother and Grandmother of anything, show them how much more content and happy you are in this new role.  Even if you have to fake it a bit.  When everyone calms down, carefully explain your current frustrations and politely insist on proper pronouns and that.  Talk about how much better you feel now as you've started on transition.  Which you have and 10+ years until you are 'finished' is not an unrealistic expectation.

That's just the way it has to be if you want to live with these people.  As young as you are, I don't think you have a choice.  Don't give up but adjust your attitude so to consider others outside yourself.

[Ayden]

I would add advice, but I think between Squirrel and Logan, they covered what I had to say. I will add my own experience and say that school therapists tend to err on the side of caution. Both my high school and college counselors were hesitant to recommend anything until I had spoken to them for quite a while and had regular appointments. My current therapist also never promised me my letter at all when I started with her. It wasn't until recently that she even mentioned it, as she wanted to guage my mental state. Stay strong. Don't panic. I think a lot of folks 'round here have been through the these feelings. I certainly have. Just because someone cannot understand your feelings does not make them any less valid.

As for family issues, I have little advice in this (trans) field. Your mother and grandmother sound a lot like my Dad on some of his better days. I think I can mirror both the fellows above and say be strong and don't give up. If your family is driving you nuts, you can always kill them with kindness and understanding. Nothing shuts my family down faster than my polite insistance, patience and understanding. They eventually just give up, since I am treating them nicely, but also giving off the impression that I think they are being a little silly. Confidence is also key. Even if you don't feel like you have any at all, put on the appearance of confidence. It makes a huge difference. Don't be rude or anything, but show them how much better you feel in the male role. I did this until most of family just sort of picked up on it.

[Felix]

I thought when people's kids wanted attention they just dyed their hair or cussed a lot. I've heard gender problems being written off as a phase but never so far as a bid for attention. That sounds condescending. Show them what a mature man you can be, and also simplify your explanations of who you are and what you need. Try to bite your tongue and be patient when you encounter cruelty. You're going to have to either bring them around to your side or find the power to endure until you can get out on your own.

Btw you are always "going to be stuck in [your] body." Transition isn't magic. You can make your body more what you feel it should be, though.

[nickm1492]

As for your home life, sadly at this point in your life you are stuck.  The fact of the matter is, no one was ever convinced by sullen, hateful silences.  You can't coerce their understanding with the silent treatment.  When you throw a temper tantrum, even a silent one, everyone's respect for you goes right out the door.  If you want to convince your Mother and Grandmother of anything, show them how much more content and happy you are in this new role.  Even if you have to fake it a bit.  When everyone calms down, carefully explain your current frustrations and politely insist on proper pronouns and that.  Talk about how much better you feel now as you've started on transition.  Which you have and 10+ years until you are 'finished' is not an unrealistic expectation.

That's just the way it has to be if you want to live with these people.  As young as you are, I don't think you have a choice.  Don't give up but adjust your attitude so to consider others outside yourself.

I'm not throwing a temper tantrum. I talk to my family, we joke around. We do hang out. But I try to stay away and not really talk too much sometimes just so that I don't have to hear "she" or anything else like that. I've just been sad.  I get what you're saying but I'm not giving anyone the silent treatment.

Btw you are always "going to be stuck in [your] body." Transition isn't magic. You can make your body more what you feel it should be, though.

I guess I should have used a different phrase. I just wanted to vent. I know it isn't magic. And all I really have a problem with 100% are my breasts. But other than that, I WANT to get the more masculine features with T but it's not like I'm gonna be getting a different body. I am aware of that

[Felix]

Yeah I feel pretty stuck in my breasts too. I'm glad you know it's a gradual thing. It can also feel incredibly unfair to have to wait for other people's approval before getting treatment.

[nickm1492]

Yeah I feel pretty stuck in my breasts too. I'm glad you know it's a gradual thing. It can also feel incredibly unfair to have to wait for other people's approval before getting treatment.

That's pretty much it. Waiting for someone to give me approval when you know what's best for you. Something that really has me kind of worried abou is what she said. She told me that gender isn't just about genitals. And I was totally agreeing with that. But then she said "We are going to have to discuss gender roles." Now, I am gonna give this a chance but I'm getting the feeling she means acting like some macho dude or some crap like that. Why do I have to be some stereotype? I am who I am. I don't fit into some cookie cutter stereotype. But whatever. I'm gonna have to do as she says because she is the only way of getting what I want.

[Kreuzfidel]

Just hang in there - a few more years and you can do whatever you want.  I am sure that school counselors aren't ideal or even acceptable, but what can you do.  Just keep venting here when you need to.  Things will look up.