Finding Love

[ChesireBat]

I'm a 21 year old gay FTM.  I've been on hormones for almost 3 years and have been post-top surgery for almost 2 years. I'd have to say, I've been quite blessed in my life for how well my transition has gone and consider it mostly done since I don't think the bottom surgery is worth the pain, money, time, etc. 

Before I had the chance to transition, I never felt comfortable dating someone do to being "treated like a girl" and the inevitable awkward end of vaginal sex. (It's my personal preference to NEVER have this kind of intercourse because of my philosophy: I don't feel like it should be there in the first place...so why stick something up there?) As a result, I only started putting myself on the market about 3 years ago and have had only one 2-month relationship...which turned out badly do to the "bisexual" guy admitting he was only looking to "experiment" and thought I was some sort of hot fetish item.  The fantasy ended when he tried to have "vag poontang with a dude" in my sleep. 

It's been over a year since then and I have still not found anyone interested in a long term relationship.  At times, I'll find a gay guy who is VERY interested...until he finds out I DON'T want vaginal sex.  ...Which makes no sense to me...because they are gay.  Other gay guys don't even get to know me because I lack a penis.  Hell, I haven't had any luck with bisexual dudes either!  I'm starting to feel like I'm never going to find anyone.  People were never "in" to me before I transitioned - which was okay with me since I didn't feel like that was me - but after 3 years of transitioning and guys are STILL not interested...I'm starting to get depressed that the real me still doesn't matter since I don't have a dick.

I've tried everything in the book to put myself out there - parties, LGBT groups, dating websites, etc. and I'm still lost.  Do any of the gay FTM's here have the same problems?  What do you guys do to find accepting individuals?   How do I avoid the "->-bleeped-<- ->-bleeped-<-s"?  How to you guys (or ladies) gay, straight, bi, etc. deal with being yanked around by non-trans people when trying to find a date? 

Thanks,
-ChesireBat

[Adio]

I wish I had a good answer for you.  I'm in a similar situation.  22-years old, gay, on T for 2 years, post-op top for 8 months.  My transition has mostly gone well too.  Bottom surgery is an ongoing debate for myself though.  I'm also not interested in vaginal sex. 

My first long-term relationship was in high school/college with a girl.  This was before I fully came out to myself as gay.  After completely breaking up with her, I was afraid no one else would ever want to have a relationship with me.  I tried online dating and found several guys who were interested in me.  Until they found out I was trans.  "Sorry, I'm not into that...but we can still be friends!"  Sometimes I get, "Oh wow, that's really awesome.  I totally respect that"...and never hear from them again.

I finally found someone that was accepting of my situation and actually really liked me for me.  But we just weren't compatible and I broke it off with him.  Since then I've been more focused on finding a real job and general life stuff.  But I'd still like to find someone I'm compatible with, who accepts me, and is not a ->-bleeped-<-.  To be honest, sometimes it feels really, really difficult. 

How "out" are you?  Do you tell guys very soon or even upfront when getting to know them?  I find that when I wait, it turns out better.  Telling a guy upfront or too soon seems to work out poorly for me.  Are you looking for a long-term relationship or something more casual?  Are you in a large city or a rural area?  Branching out to nearby cities or going to different areas might be helpful.

[ChesireBat]

I've been completely out since I decided on transitioning.  I don't announce to the world that I'm trans or gay, but if someone asks - I will tell the truth.  In terms of dating, I've only been on one "date" besides my ex. The date and I had met on a dating website.  He knew I was trans before we met in person, but it turned out to be a problem for him when I didn't want vaginal sex while discussing how intimacy would work on the date.

I ALWAYS post that I'm a transman upfront on any dating websites because when I didn't, I got some very angry, hurtful responses when it finally came up.

I'm currently only looking for a long-term relationship...which seems to be a problem in the gay world.  I've even started welcoming higher age groups (up to 35) in the hopes that more mature men would be looking for long term relationships as well.  I live in a college town somewhat near Pittsburgh: lots of young people, lots of gay and bi people...but no one particularly interested in transgenders.  Well, at least not for anything more than a quick throw in the bathroom.  I've had plenty of offers for that. 

Whoo, that all sounded a little too grim.  Sorry to be such a buzz kill.

Why does waiting to tell someone help for you?  When I tried that method, I've gotten everything from, "Wow, you're a superhero! ...But I still want a REAL guy.  Sorry" to "You are ->-bleeped-<-ing false advertising!  Why did you lead me on?"

[nickm1492]

Life is so rough. And when you add things like being trans and just orientation in general, that piles on. I know how hard things are. And I know how badly sometimes you just want to find love and be with someone. I was lucky enough to finally find that person. We started off as a "lesbian" couple. Now she loves and accepts me as a man.
Chances are, if these guys haven't stuck around, you are better off! You need to stop looking for love. Why? It will find you! In the most unexpected of places. Maybe stop trying to go to places where you'd think you would find LGBT people and trans things. Just go out and do something you love. Find a like-minded person. Once the feelings are there, if they are strong enough, and worth it, they will persist.
Trust me, I know it sucks being alone and wanting to have someone to talk to and love. All in due time though!
If you're still in school (Since you are 21) then maybe just focus on graduating for now and getting a career. That makes things so much easier I imagine. By then you will be settled.

Regardless, I know this may not be the best advice but I wish you only the best. Life can be pretty crappy sometimes and our mood can be so low it feels like we will never be happy again. But everything gets better. Even if it takes longer than we might want.

[King Malachite]

Life is so rough. And when you add things like being trans and just orientation in general, that piles on. I know how hard things are. And I know how badly sometimes you just want to find love and be with someone. I was lucky enough to finally find that person. We started off as a "lesbian" couple. Now she loves and accepts me as a man.
Chances are, if these guys haven't stuck around, you are better off! You need to stop looking for love. Why? It will find you! In the most unexpected of places. Maybe stop trying to go to places where you'd think you would find LGBT people and trans things. Just go out and do something you love. Find a like-minded person. Once the feelings are there, if they are strong enough, and worth it, they will persist.
Trust me, I know it sucks being alone and wanting to have someone to talk to and love. All in due time though!
If you're still in school (Since you are 21) then maybe just focus on graduating for now and getting a career. That makes things so much easier I imagine. By then you will be settled.

Regardless, I know this may not be the best advice but I wish you only the best. Life can be pretty crappy sometimes and our mood can be so low it feels like we will never be happy again. But everything gets better. Even if it takes longer than we might want.

Nick does have a point.  I can understand the lonliness you are feeling.  I'm going through it right now (still waiting on my first kiss lol).  My best advice to you (as well as advice to myself) is to just understand your self-worth and think like this "there are over 7 trillion people on this Earth....at least two have to be interested in a long time serious relationship with you.

Here is a video of a transman who is in a similar situation.  I don't know if it would help you any but it's worth a shot.

[nickm1492]

  I'm going through it right now (still waiting on my first kiss lol).  My best advice to you (as well as advice to myself) is to just understand your self-worth and think like this "there are over 7 trillion people on this Earth....at least two have to be interested in a long time serious relationship with you.

Here is a video of a transman who is in a similar situation.  I don't know if it would help you any but it's worth a shot.

@Malachite, trust me waiting for your first kiss is SO worth it! I used to hate that I lacked an experience that most people seem to take for granted. But my first kiss was with my now fiancee! It was so special! It was EVERYTHING and then some that I could have wanted. Don't rush into anything. It's very much worth the wait when it's with the right person.

[Natkat]

I'm a 21 year old gay FTM.  I've been on hormones for almost 3 years and have been post-top surgery for almost 2 years. I'd have to say, I've been quite blessed in my life for how well my transition has gone and consider it mostly done since I don't think the bottom surgery is worth the pain, money, time, etc. 

Before I had the chance to transition, I never felt comfortable dating someone do to being "treated like a girl" and the inevitable awkward end of vaginal sex. (It's my personal preference to NEVER have this kind of intercourse because of my philosophy: I don't feel like it should be there in the first place...so why stick something up there?) As a result, I only started putting myself on the market about 3 years ago and have had only one 2-month relationship...which turned out badly do to the "bisexual" guy admitting he was only looking to "experiment" and thought I was some sort of hot fetish item.  The fantasy ended when he tried to have "vag poontang with a dude" in my sleep. 

It's been over a year since then and I have still not found anyone interested in a long term relationship.  At times, I'll find a gay guy who is VERY interested...until he finds out I DON'T want vaginal sex.  ...Which makes no sense to me...because they are gay.  Other gay guys don't even get to know me because I lack a penis.  Hell, I haven't had any luck with bisexual dudes either!  I'm starting to feel like I'm never going to find anyone.  People were never "in" to me before I transitioned - which was okay with me since I didn't feel like that was me - but after 3 years of transitioning and guys are STILL not interested...I'm starting to get depressed that the real me still doesn't matter since I don't have a dick.

I've tried everything in the book to put myself out there - parties, LGBT groups, dating websites, etc. and I'm still lost.  Do any of the gay FTM's here have the same problems?  What do you guys do to find accepting individuals?   How do I avoid the "->-bleeped-<- ->-bleeped-<-s"?  How to you guys (or ladies) gay, straight, bi, etc. deal with being yanked around by non-trans people when trying to find a date? 

Thanks,
-ChesireBat

I know the type, but dont know what to give you of advise since I dont really date, other than dont look for love but let it get to you, as it already said. I know theres time where you feel lonely and where you wish you had someone, But you cant deside to find the perfect guy just the right day, you have to be patient and insteed of "waiting" you should just use your sparetime and have fun it would also make your more attractive when someone come around.

theres not really a way to avoid ->-bleeped-<--charsers other than avoid those who only are into sex if thats not what your looking for. or those who seam to be WAY to interesteed in your trans issues where they wasnt into you for other reasons.

[AbraCadabra]

Wise girl speak: "Love is not where we are going to (looking for) - love is where we are coming from..."

Axélle

[ChesireBat]

@Nick - I suppose waiting is always an option.  I have just been hoping to experience something such as a decent relationship within a reasonable amount of time.  Non-trans people take so many things for granted and relationships are one of those things.  It's really been brought to the forefront since all my friends are married or are engaged...and I've never even felt in love!  Granted, I'm still young, but I'm afraid a lack of "normal" experience will cripple me later down the line and wound my chances of finding someone something fierce.  And I agree with you.  Graduating is certainly on the top of my to-do list, and it would probably be best to just focus on my studies. 

@Malachite - Loved the video!  He expressed many of my own thoughts, concerns, and conclusions.  I really enjoyed his talk of self-worth.  He reminded me of RuPaul and his saying, "If you can't love yourself, how the Hell you gonna love somebody else?"

@Natkat - Any reason you don't "date"?  Honestly, I hate the idea of specifically meeting someone just to see if they are compatible with you.  It seems so fake.  I can't really find any other way to meet people though. 

[Felix]

I don't think I'm emotionally healthy or available enough for finding love in a committed partnership. I also don't mind being a fetish for someone if it's clean and I get what I want too.

So I've got it relatively easy, I guess.

I'm starting to get depressed that the real me still doesn't matter since I don't have a dick.

But I can still relate to this. It hurts.

[Natkat]

@Natkat - Any reason you don't "date"?  Honestly, I hate the idea of specifically meeting someone just to see if they are compatible with you.  It seems so fake.  I can't really find any other way to meet people though.

hm.. good question,
I think its because I dont really do relationship so dating seams sorta pointless.

[Zerro]

Your guess is as good as mine, man. I despise PIV sex and everyone I run into wants to have it with me and "dominate" me, like I'm some chick. My last boyfriend pressured me until I caved and "tried" it and, well, it didn't last long after that. I too hope to find someone that can be okay with the fact that my body's a bit different from a cisdude's while respecting my boundaries.

[justmeinoz]

I am in the first tentative stages of a relationship with a transwoman I have known for a while who is part of the same support group.   Are you a member of any support, social or sporting groups ? 

Even if you don't feel attraction to any of the members, you could try letting them know you are open to the possibility of meeting any of their single friends.  That way they will have automatically filtered out  any homophobes and transphobes for you, and you can get an idea of what sort of person they are.

They are out there, just not always where we are looking.

Karen.