Getting over your biology?

[EmilyElizabeth]

I've been in a tough spot for a month now where I'm just going back and forth emotionally and I'm starting to feel like I can never be happy because of the fact that I was born male.  Sure, I've changed my body through hormones and now live as a girl and can eventually get surgery, but I don't know if I can ever get over what was robbed from me at birth.  I can't get over the fact that I don't naturally produce the hormone that keeps me functioning regularly and that, because of that, I'll have to take pills for the rest of my life.  I also can't get over the fact that I missed the first twenty years of my life in terms of socialization and actual experiences and it just seems like such an insurmountable task to overcome and catch up with all the girls around me who have lived their lives as girls for their whole lives.  I just keep seeing all the other girls at my school who don't have to go through everything I've gone through to get where I am and I just wish I could be them, just carrying on a pain-free life, completely content with the way I was formed and never falling into my many "what-if" scenarios.  My boyfriend tells me that these struggles are meaningful and that the transition wouldn't be worth it if it wasn't this hard, but I still can't seem to just accept what I have to go through just to be a semi-normal person.  My roommate tells me that my experience is with life is more meaningful than that of the girls I envy, because I am able to get to know myself much more than they ever will.  But still, I can't really seem to get over the facts of my birth, that I will never be able to get pregnant, that I can never be free of pills to keep myself regular, that I will never get a real childhood and adolescence and that I will always be XY.  If an archaeologist dug up my bones in 2100, they would identify my skeleton as "male" no matter what I do.  I just really wish I could get over all of this and live my life as normal, but I just don't know how.  I assume I'm not the only one who's felt this way, and I was wondering what any of you did to get over it.  I really just want to be happy, and I don't know if I can do that until I come to terms with the unfortunate circumstances of my birth.

[Sephirah]

Your boyfriend seems like a very astute fellow.

You have more of your life ahead of you than behind you. A lot more. Everything you've been through, for good or bad, has made you into who you are. And were you to suddenly wake up one morning with a different set of memories and experiences of everything you feel you'd missed out on, and no recollection of the challenges you'd had to face, then you would not be you. You would be someone else.

You're not defined by a couple of letters, or a set of bones that may appear at some point in the future under some beardy chap's brush. What makes you you is the impact you have on others, the lives you touch and are touched by in return. The love you give and recieve. Your laughter and tears. Those single moments you find beautiful, or poignant. Your soul, spirit, anima, call it whatever you want... is so much more than the meat sack you find yourself in. That is a merely a means to an end.

The end is to live. The life you want for yourself, and have the time ahead of you to create. That's what you did it all for to begin with, right? Nature may have dictated you were born in a way that wasn't right, but you dictated that you were born the way that was. You gave birth to yourself. That's what you have to appreciate. That spark of divinity inside of you that allowed it to happen. That power you have within yourself to shape your future and live your life the way you want to. That is what you will be remembered for in years to come. Your individuality, your will, the choices you make and the mark you make on the world. Not some skeleton or genetic marker. You will be remembered for who you are. Not what. At least by those who matter.

[Assoluta]

I used to fret about such issues as well, but now I'm really quite apathetic to it. After all, what real relevance does biology have? It's a set of chemicals, a set of chromosomes, it's nothing to do with WHO you are, that's all that matters. Who you are will shine out brighter than anything else, beyond any biology. And in any case, the fact you are trans is likely to have some biological basis anyway, whether it be based in the brain structure or somewhere else.

The fact I never had a female upbringing, although painful, is something I'm actually proud of now. I like being different, it's difference and creativity that stands out and can achieve greatness. I have a different perspective on life and gender, and I'm my own kind of woman. I love to sing and my androgynous singing voice is different to many of those samey female vocals one hears nowadays.

Why be normal, blend in and live and die like the billions of other people on this planet? Why not have lived a different and interesting life, being your own self. I'm not necessarily saying to be "out and proud" about being trans - I certainly have don't go round shouting it from the rooftops, but I find as long as you have people around you who accept and love you, that's all you need. Anyway, there are other women with hysterectomies, ovary and womb problems who have to have the same treatments we do. I even know of a woman who had cervical cancer and after a surgery, she lost width in her vagina so she has to periodically dilate it.

You say you have to "catch up" with the other girls - on what exactly? Some people believe that they should 'learn' to be a woman and catch up on how to act as a female, particularly those who transition when older. Perhaps my perspective is different than others who transitioned when older but I never consciously learned to be female or attempted to 'catch up' - I just did what comes naturally, and people often comment on how feminine my persona is, which surprises me, because I'm honestly not 'trying' at all, just doing what comes naturally. The only person you have to catch up with is yourself, and being who you really are - and that's a journey many people make.

[EmilyElizabeth]

Thanks for these messages!  They were both very helpful to me and I'm starting to turn my blues around and just be excited for the future, whatever it happens to hold

[King Malachite]

Aside from the genders being reversed, I completely understand where you are coming from and I feel the same way at times.

We can't look back on how we should have lived our lives but instead we can plan for how we are going to live our lives for the future.  I know of trans people who transition and feel much younger than they are because of their newfounded experiences.  No two cis women go through the exact same experience in this life.  Your path may have been different but it doesn't make you less of a woman.

Embrace yourself for the person you are and the woman you are will flow naturally.

[Skyanne]

If an archaeologist dug up my bones in 2100, they would identify my skeleton as "male" no matter what I do.

Just ignoring the other things for a minute cause I keep seeing this mentioned, if some archaeologist digs up your bones and misgenders them after you're dead, does it make any difference to anyone at all?

Other than that, you only have one life, you have to live it the best you can. There's no sense dwelling on things you can't change, just try and make the most of what you have hun, whilst is still pretty darn good.

[Karii Cloud]

Just imagine how bad it would be if you wanted to live as a woman, but you spent your one life(sorry, atheist) "presenting" as your birth gender. Then, you live a life that wasn't really "yours" they dug you up and found you had an XY. Or you live your life to the fullest, while it may not be amazing the whole time, at least you get to live a real life without regret, and then they find that you were XY genetically, but they would have either way.


Plus, if anyone cares about birth gender by 2100, I vastly underestimate societal progress. 

[King Malachite]

Plus, if anyone cares about birth gender by 2100, I vastly underestimate societal progress. 

This. ^ By that time there will probably be some device that says "oh this is a woman shame on those damn chromosomes"

[sysm29]

WEll first of all I'm jealous because you have a boyfriend    I completely agree with you 100% and i feel the exact same way.  This is how like all of us feel really.  I'm like 26 and im at that point in i think a man's life when he's starting to age... Im noticing things i never saw before like my receding hairline.  Its sooo stressful b/c you know you have to transform into a female and the age part is tough.  I have acne now, terrible skin...I'm having FFS later this month but the journey is going to be very very hard but daily life is hard, i mean it all really right now sucks.  Im at the beginning and im on about 2 months of estrogen, not enough to see anything.  This takes time, it takes patience, it takes serious commitment especially through the bad wave days- when that estrogen tide goes really low and you become very depressed, which is an easy place to get to... its a constant battle to keep myself over that line where i will sink.... The first year is hard because you're dealing with so much, from the unbelievable amount of facial hair thats everywhere, arm hair, chest hair, back hair, genital organ hair, then there's your skin condition, how you recover from FFS, if it was all worth it, if your vision came true or not.... its very hard i know... but the important thing to understand is today is not forever, today will pass, and that this doesn't happen overnight. 

I completely understand that its that feeling of God I want this now because ive waited so long to get it... Yes teenage girls just magically blossom, they have to do nothing... We do all the work, its true.  I work three times as hard as any natal female to come close to what they have... it takes work, thats what a transition is.  For me, its not about taking some pills everyday that feel good - ive got a lot of physical barriers to deal with first.  Everything has to come at the right time and thats hard when you're doing nothing everyday and you just dream all day long about your future.  Right now im stuck and i've been stuck for a long, LONG time... and nothing seems to change but im working at it now.  I've made so many mistakes but this is the time I have left...

You know theres a lot of topics right now trending on here about teenage girls and if i was one and can I be a woman and what is a woman and all of these very important questions that we always ask ourselves at the beginning because we have SOOOO much to make up for.  I feel that there has been 26 years of life that I have lost and that I could not possibly expect to catch up!!!

[JoanneB]

You are certainly far from alone in how you are feeling. I am thankful that there is a way to overcome what my bod does not naturally produce. I am thankful I do know myself so well after having spent countless hours, and still continue to, trying to figure myself out!

Coincidentally, some of what you said came into my mind as I pondered the amazing experience of attending the Maryland Senate hearing on SB212, aka "The bathroom bill" this week. Much of the opposition stressed how "We are NOT women". They got that right! No matter how high your estrogen level is, what surgeries you've had, we will never be a woman. We were not raised and socialized as one. We will never experience pregnancy, child birth, bonding with our child. The best we can do is come close to being a woman. Just as an amputee can come close, thanks to an artificial limb and biofeedback electronics. The amputee is still a person, every bit as much as we are female.

[pebbles]

The answer to the bones begin dug up by an archaeologist can be resolved easily enough.

Ask to be cremated when you die.

Although yeah I do know what your talking about with the robbed experiences, there isn't really an answer for it but honestly my own re-visitations of that time in my head have shown that I'd probably have a pretty lame time even if I had been female. It'd still have sucked just not quite as badly.

[Rabbit]

You are choosing to focus on your life in a negative way.

You feel as if you were 'robbed" because you weren't born in your ideal condition? That right there is the first issue... no one really is born with everything they could wish for (even those that seem as if they are).

I think sometimes the trans community tends to blame all their problems on the entire gender thing. It almost seems as if some people are saying that if they would have been born in their "real gender" that their lives would be perfect and all their problems would be gone (because, of course, they would have had a happy and great life as their "real gender").

Really, I just never see this happening. I don't look around at women I know and think "wow, their lives are perfect, they are completely happy and being a woman is the easy path to life!" .... they all have their own life problems, own issues they deal with, and all sorts of other "baggage" that they have experienced and had to deal with their entire life.

Has being trans made certain issues in our lives? Sure! I could go on for a long time about the problems it has caused me. But, along with the bad, it has had a variety of positive effects on my life (and who I am today is owed in part to those issues). It is generally how things go.... everyone has things they go through.


My younger sister is very heavy, and has been for most of her life. Has she been "robbed" of her childhood and "girl experiences" and everything else (she was a virgin till 27, definitely not the "normal girl" experience)? Should she regret her life and feel as if she can never be happy because she 'missed out' on so much of her life? Or, does she simply have her own struggles which (like us) she can choose to face and deal with and move past?

The goal in transition isn't to rid ourselves of our birthed genders (if you think this is the key to being happy, you are dooming yourself from the start)... it is really simply about getting to a condition where we can become comfortable with ourselves (and sometimes that doesn't come from pills or surgery... but just accepting certain aspects of ourselves).

[Skyanne]

Coincidentally, some of what you said came into my mind as I pondered the amazing experience of attending the Maryland Senate hearing on SB212, aka "The bathroom bill" this week. Much of the opposition stressed how "We are NOT women". They got that right! No matter how high your estrogen level is, what surgeries you've had, we will never be a woman. We were not raised and socialized as one. We will never experience pregnancy, child birth, bonding with our child. The best we can do is come close to being a woman. Just as an amputee can come close, thanks to an artificial limb and biofeedback electronics. The amputee is still a person, every bit as much as we are female.

Yeah, um, speak for yourself please. I -am- a woman, different experiences and the inability to give birth have no bearing on that. I do plan on bonding with my child when I adopt though, not being able to give birth makes no difference to this.

[xxUltraModLadyxx]

i understand alot of those feelings, but you have to remember that this does not define you. your chromosomes do not define you, your genitalia does not define you, society does not define you. you are a female, and as long as you believe you are, that is all it takes, truthfully. your boyfriend sounds like he really cares about you. he's telling you the things you need to listen to.
i have a cousin who told me something through an email months ago, and that is that we all have demons, and it's important to learn to embrace them as part of you. your boyfriend is right when he says this is to make you stronger, it is. in order to reap the benefits, you must feel the pain first, but that will pass when the time is right.

[wheat thins are delicious]

You are certainly far from alone in how you are feeling. I am thankful that there is a way to overcome what my bod does not naturally produce. I am thankful I do know myself so well after having spent countless hours, and still continue to, trying to figure myself out!

Coincidentally, some of what you said came into my mind as I pondered the amazing experience of attending the Maryland Senate hearing on SB212, aka "The bathroom bill" this week. Much of the opposition stressed how "We are NOT women". They got that right! No matter how high your estrogen level is, what surgeries you've had, we will never be a woman. We were not raised and socialized as one. We will never experience pregnancy, child birth, bonding with our child. The best we can do is come close to being a woman. Just as an amputee can come close, thanks to an artificial limb and biofeedback electronics. The amputee is still a person, every bit as much as we are female.

Not all cis women can or do experience those things either.

[xXRebeccaXx]

Im not constent with being a male, so im going to do something about it. I dont care if it kills me, I WILL give birth, or atleast get transwomen one step closer to being fertile. If cavemen were content with banging rocks together for entertainment and living to be 20, where would we be?

[Miki]

Much of the opposition stressed how "We are NOT women". They got that right! No matter how high your estrogen level is, what surgeries you've had, we will never be a woman. We were not raised and socialized as one. We will never experience pregnancy, child birth, bonding with our child. The best we can do is come close to being a woman. Just as an amputee can come close, thanks to an artificial limb and biofeedback electronics. The amputee is still a person, every bit as much as we are female.

This strikes me as semantic shenanigans.  The language used around these issues is not consistent and people feeling fear or angst around the topic enough to protest or oppose measures that lead towards acceptance and equity will intentionally use language that contains a slice of truth in it, but in a malicious, harmful fashion in order to shore up their misgivings with fear-creating sentiment.

If someone says, "You are not a woman." they are not wrong, but are using semantics to disparage.  There is no procedure, pill, shot or surgery that can switch XY to XX.  That is what that argument is based on.  Ok, fair enough, but ignoring every other possible facet of femininity and intentionally making zero distinction between gender, sex, gender roles and expressions is a tool for labeling, quantifying and condemning.

It is easily get into the weeds with the language, especially the terminology used by people or organizations opposed to recognition and rights for gender varied humans.  It is just as easy to make blanket statements from the other direction, which amount to "nuh uh!" when confronted with strict medical interpretations.

This is a subjective endeavor undertaken by individuals with varying degrees of needs, catalysts and outcomes.   While it is abhorrent at times, it makes sense for legislative language to wrap itself in as many absolutes as possible.  There is no easy way to quantify something containing such a variety of facets in legislative terminology.

Personally, I just think they should work harder at it.  Not easy is not the same as impossible.

Anne Vitale has some solid reading on her site around terminology.  Worth a read.    http://www.avitale.com/TherapeuticErrors.htm

-Miki

[mm]

You can't change the past.  You have to live in the present and look to the future.  Be positive about the future, it is your life that you are living.