Just thought I'd update people on how its going. Its been about four months since I freaked onto this website. After a few weeks of being a little dazed I decided to move on and get with the program. If this is who I am lets let it out. Can't be too bad. No one's gonna lose an eye.
I stopped wearing make up for the most part. Only very little or none at all. I like it. Changed my hairstyle. Asked the hairdresser for something basic, not feminine. Its great. I changed the way I dress. Just basic and simple. Sometimes I bind lightly and somethings I show them in their awesome glory. I've lowered my voice...not too much. Just lost the barbie edge. Actually it lowered without much work on my part.
Now the interesting part is...does anyone care or notice? And if they did what would I say? Every few days I seem to rehearse what I'd say.
So far everyone notices and only one person pointed out that I don't wear dresses, which was funny because I never have. I said, "Yes thats right, I don't wear dresses," and I waited for further inquiry. There was none. The husband seems fine with it. I threatened him with excessive body building, he shrugged and said I'd look hot.
But what I wasn't prepared for was the change in attitude towards me. People are treating me better. It may be me treating other people differently, it may be me being more calm and centered. I'm thinking that I don't over react to stress anymore so I don't freak out anymore. That has to wear on people. I think I was fighting the gender thing even when I didn't realize it consciously.
I also am fine with doors being held open, people standing when I get up from a table. I realize these are things that well mannered people do...and I do them too - for women. I am okay with guys making passes at me or staring at me intently, I wasn't before. Now its fine. Sometimes people stare at people who have that special secret of knowing themselves better. I also find that attractive in other people. Maybe their wondering what's going on with me. I don't know.
So I am moving onto another job in another city. The glass ceiling seems to be gone in my career. The respect has skyrocketed. When I interviewed I wore very little makeup and a manish jacket, jeans and boots. I spoke calm, low and passionately like who I am...but thats not who I was four months ago.
Excellent stuff this self acceptance...just have to discover whats hidden from us sometimes I suppose. Now thats hard!
Chunk
