Coming out to parents who live elsewhere

[rachl]

I'm debating how to go about telling my parents. We live a few thousand kilometres apart -- basically a 6-7hr flight. They're probably coming to visit in the summer (around June for my graduation). I can either wait until then (I expect to be on HRT by then) and in-person, or by writing a letter and sending it off next week.

I see a lot of pros and cons for both options.

With everything being equal, I prefer in-person to written or even the phone. However, that means that I have to wait, which means that it's eating me up inside talking to them in the meantime but not being able to tell them about all the changes in my life. It also means that I risk "wrecking" their vacation to see my by completely changing the dynamic. My dad and I love to golf, and so a big part of their annual visit is for us to go golfing. I'm worried that he'd feel so weird with the shock as to ruin that. Of course, I can't be certain that it'd ruin anything, but it's at least a consideration. On the other hand, if they have a few months to think about things (by sending the letter), I bet that they'd still enjoy the trip.

I'm also really worried about telling my dad in an in-person context. That's not because I'm afraid of him, but it'd just be REALLY awkward, much more so than with my mom; it's also not that I expect him to completely reject me, or that he wouldn't come to accept and continue to love me. It's just not easy for either of us to express emotions, and I have a hard time baring my soul to him. Although, I think it'd be pretty easy to talk to him about it AFTER I'd sent the letter.

I think that if I send the letter, I'd want to talk to them on the phone shortly thereafter, so it's not just writing the letter and not communicating until they visit.

I'm a little torn, but I'm definitely leaning towards the letter. I'm a writer by profession, so it comes easily to me, and I like the ability to organize my thoughts.

Thoughts?!

[Bird]

You know, it depends on each family dynamics. My parents have a lot of ingrained prejudice and so far they have been telling me they refuse to come to my graduation, I remembered this when you said they were coming to see you for it.

On another hand, there have been other parents here who have been great about it. Anyway, my advice here is to tell them about it sometime before your graduation, so they can ease themselves into the idea better. Either way, a graduation is a big event and it might not be the best possible time to tell them about this, so I think it is better to tell them beforehand.

Telling parents that you are changing your gender can be quite a big bomb for them.

[rachl]

I look forward to other people's thoughts, but so far I'm definitely leaning towards a letter and then a phone call.

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi Rachl,

As you said, you are a professional writer. It would be obvious you can articulate your feelings and emotions in print, that would perhaps give a dimension to your parents, of aspects they may not have been aware of. (Please excuse the hanging preposition. Bad Aussie ('Strine') habit).

I guess, due to the distance you share with them, that perhaps a phone call, (Is Skype and option?) could serve as a pre cursor, just to 'test the water,' and let them know there has been some 'stuff' you have been thinking long and hard about since moving out of home. Reassure them you 're not in any sort of trouble, it's just something that has been brewing for a long time. Do you have the slightest inkling that either may know about your feelings? Mothers can be very preceptive and ultra discrete until their suspicions are cofirmed. Golf courses can be very revealing places too. Long games, ample opportunity to sense someones inner most feelings, particularly family. Does you Father have any inkling?

I would certainly not suggest "The pick them up from the airport. Hi Mom, Hi Dad, Guess what I've got?" scenario. That would be tantamount to 'Ground Zero' for any future relationship with them. Too much information in too short a timeframe.

At least you are in control of the situation and that gives you a certain power to minimise collateral damage. Hope it works out for you, and you are pleasantly surprised by their acceptance. Keep in touch and let us know how you are coping.


Be safe, well and happy
Lotsa huggs
Catherine

[rachl]

By way of update: I e-mailed the letter to my mom on the 25th of Feb. (It was about 2000 words.) Since they were in Mexico at the time, we weren't able to connect by phone until the next day. She knew to expect the email, and she responded within a few minutes with a very short email. I knew that things would be okay since she signed it "Love (always) mom," and she never puts (always): she was responding to the 'I hope you'll still love me' content of the letter. We got to talk on the phone the next day, and though she basically cried the entire time, she's fully supportive. It turns out that she knows two FtM people, one in her office, at her university.

One topic of discussion was how to best break it to my dad. Both of us were definitely concerned because there was some evidence that it could go sideways, but we both knew that he could surprise us and be equally supportive. She suggested that I send him a slightly tailored version of the same letter. She wanted me to wait until they returned from vacation so that, in case things went badly, she had a support structure around her. He also became sick, so I was asked to postpone it a couple more days. I sent it on the 4th. When he came home and read it, he sent the greatest 1 paragraph email: 100% supportive and wrote: "Having said that, I totally support your decision. Unless someone has been in your position for all these years it is difficult for them to understand what you are about to proceed with and why....Far better to follow your feelings and live a happy life, then to always question what you should and could have done. I don't get very emotional, but I tears in my eyes thinking about the times you seemed so sad when you should have been enjoying life." He then said that he's looking forward to their trip out here in June, and responded to a golf joke I had made. Our big bonding activity is golfing. He hasn't been able to beat me for about 16 years, and I outdrive him by a solid 60yrds (I used to be competitive), and the joke was that I wouldn't suddenly ask to start playing from the ladies' tees

Back on topic: I called later that night, and had a good conversation with them both for about 40min, just talking about what happens next, a possible timeline, etc. I'm so happy to have such great support, and the biggest hurdles are behind me: friends, work, and parents.

I think that I'm planning on a December transition now.

[Catherine Sarah]

ODG !!! Rachl,
Tears are streaming down my face. I couldn't be more happier for anyone than you. That news, particularly from you father, must have lifted a thousand tons of weight off you. You are mightly blessed to have such an outstanding family.
Such profound acceptance used once be stuff that dreams were made of. Now it's a bloody reality. What other dreams and ambitions are you going to transform into reality?
I'm wondering how long it will take for your mother to start those mother daughter things.
Sorry. Gotta go.

Be safe, well and happy.  (that's stating the bloody obvious isn't it?)
Lotsa huggs
Catherine

[lilacwoman]

glad to see they took it well.

[Bird]

I am happy for you.

I am profoundly happy things went that well. Only in my dreams I would have the same amount of acceptance  by my parents and I wish the best for your family.

[Felix]

That's wonderful. I'm so glad your parents are supportive. I came out to my dad the same way, and he was as supportive as a good conservative southern baptist is allowed to be, I suppose. Like yours, he commented on how long I'd been unhappy. I hope your mom and dad continue to be there for you as you transition.

[rachl]

Thanks everyone for all the kind words and support