Thank you Shantel.
This afternoon once mom went off to work, played with Snickers, more stretching, more cross-stitching. same 'ol routine. Sounds boring huh? Let me make things more interesting if I'm able. Oh, but first, almost forgot something, while mom was getting ready for work and she looked at me and told me that it looks like I'm getting kinda skinny. I told her Lost a little bit of weight. She said that it wouldn't be good for me to loose too much body fat, could make me look more like a man. A bit insensitive but true. She thought maybe the stretching wasn't good for me in that way, I had to remind her, lack of hormones, afterall stretching doesn't build up muscles, and I feel good by the way, even if my mental state is not.
Every day and every moment I can I always have music going too. So what do I listen to? Well, I spent quite some years on my own studying Japanese some years ago, back in the 90's, and while I can't do anything conversation wise, I did learn the written form, kana, and as many kanji as I could during those anime and import game years of my life. I can read all kana I see, and many kanji, but as for understanding all of what I read, well I never got that far (I've never been good at long term devotion to anything, well except the old NES system).
So, I took a really huge liking to any fun songs that are in Japanese that are catchy and I can either hum to or sing along to (I can't sing - just think of a cat being strangled, yeah), and I enjoy them very much, they put me in a happy mood. Long ago it was Bubblegum Crisis, Sailor Moon and Zenki, memorizing many of the songs from each, understanding only what words I know (meaning I get the gist, kind of). Now its J-Pop. Morning Musume got me started on that a couple years ago, can't even take a guess at how many times I listened to their whole entire playlist. Then Buono! caught my attention (listening to them right now, for the umpteenth time). And just recently a couple weeks ago I decided to give Berryz Kobo and ℃-ute a chance. Love it all! Good fun stuff that I'd want to get up and dance to.
I've never really danced before, yeah I'm serious here, was always not only too rigged but had no idea what to do, since I've always been one to have to think things through, instead of just moving with the music. Lately I find myself dancing, just simple hip movements, but hey, its better than just tapping my foot. So when mom's not home (she can't stand anything I listen to afterall, game music is the worst for her, too repetitive, drives her crazy; these girls with their voices not any different) if she left the tv on, that goes off, Youtube goes on.
I hate cross-stitching with the tv on as I can't watch a movie and be able to concentrate on what I'm doing at the same time without problems arising - dammit, stitched in the wrong spot! But music is fine and keeps me going through the monotony of X's. But I always have the window open so I can see the music videos too. Yeah, same issues have occurred as when watching tv, oops. But I enjoy my time spent this way more. I'm not one for watching tv on my own, better to play a game, at least that way I'm actually doing something. By the way I haven't played any video games in ages, too busy with the stitching. See, I have this really narrow attention span, I seem to only be able to do one thing at a time and my focus stays on just that until finally bore of it, then I find a fork in the tunnel and go another direction. I'm kind of like a horse with blinders on.
After my stretching exercises a little while ago, I wanted to check something out. How I walked. I walk really fast, and have always walked with toes pointed inwards (trip hazard there, can't count how many times I tripped over my own toes in my life) but that's the way my feet go. Normally, while I've never had a masculine walk, ever (I used to when living as a guy get made fun of for how I walked), I've never had put much emphasis in walking more feminine like either, I just walk with long strides, especially if in a hurry. And long ago I used to walk on my toes, still do occasional when barefoot. I used to be a ninja on my feet, but as years gone by I found myself crashing my heels of my feet down too hard. lately whenever I could while walking I'd try to put a tad bit of hip action into it. Most of the time I'm just way too tired to care.
So this evening, with my hips all loosened up, let's see if I can get that really nice feminine walk where your hips would sway. I had some space to walk from living room to bedroom, with mirror on wall, so a nice view with no turns or obstructions, just 18 feet forward. I tested myself out, hey, that was pretty good! Turns around, back to beginning. Again. Again. And again still, over and over. Nothing overdone, with my hips all loosened up everything seemed to move very naturally, its like my hips were rotating and rolling freely. So the test was done at different speeds, bare handed as well as with handbag slung over shoulder or carried in hand. Without shoes, with my chunky heels (only nice shoes I have) with my crappy worn out sneakers that double for everywhere including work. What I found is this looked so damn sexy with the heels on. My back straight, hips moving, I looked downright confident (oh, and lipstick just for extra effect). Now, having done this probably a hundred times this evening, could I, or moreso, could my hips remember the motion enough to automatically walk with such grace. I'll keep working at it until it becomes automatic. This is just something fun I was messing with, but it could be good for me, if applied right. Hey, singing to my favorite songs all these years helped with my voice. This I think will be my year of training, I'm not broken or even faulty, but some enhancements could help me feel better about myself.
I have no problems whatsoever passing as a woman, but see, I have very little confidence in myself, and I'm sure it shows in my quiet demeanor, and I don't do anything to make myself attractive (I used to long ago). Actually, that works, don't know how, but the quiet shy girl catches attention way too much that she (me) don't even know what to do with it. So the point of my recent activities, with the stretching to prove to myself I can accomplish something great (there are going to be some very loud woo-hoos first time I am able to completely do the splits, hopefully I don't break myself before then), but also with it comes flexibility (and balance) which works wonders on the muscles, which I figured could help me with posture (I don't hunch or anything when walking unless up a hill, but do a lot with sitting), and I think perhaps with how I walk to give me an air of confidence. This is something I think I'll continue to work on. But I got crap for clothes, that's something else I have to work on too.
Okay, its getting late, mom will be home soon, and I still have a lot of stitching do to that I want finished tonight so perhaps I'll pick this blog thing again tomorrow sometime. Right now my dog is whining for me to play with her, better show her some attention for a bit.
