need some advice here please

[ummmmyeah]

Okay well I'll start off by saying I'm 20 years of age, Never told anyone this haha

I'm a male, left handed but use my right for everything else including eating
I would say I'm good looking, my face is pretty damn close to symmetrical

Okay well ever since I could remember I've had unusual feelings. when I was four I used to make my older sister (2 years older) dress me up in her clothes and dresses
((home videos of me in them right after I turned 4))

As i grown older it was always there, note that this was happening way before I knew what sex or anything along those lines were. I always have gotten a weird feeling wearing anything that was only meant for females or silky restrictive feeling you could say. I have many many memories below the age of 6 that i don't feel like listing, but that gave me a weird nice feeling not connected to sensation to my penis or so i believe.

So years go on and Its weird because 80% of my memories back than had something to do with the same sensation and everything else is mainly a blurr.

Growing up I was put into special reading classes even though I thought I was just reading fine(3rd grade-4th) also math
I was also a very shy kid growing up, loved being alone my whole life. Could only sleep in the dark. kinda broke out of my shell in 8th grade

I lost my virginity at the age of 16, but it took a while to be able to have sex with my girlfriend aprox 9-10 months. I went to the doctors by myself the first 3 months we were dating and the doctor laughed and said it was performance anxiety. I could have sex but only when I was in certain moods, most of the time I couldn't get erect and ended up doing favors in return. She caught me wearing her lingerie one day and called me gay and I basically broke down. I wore it to work that day but I was able to concentrate and get more work done with it on lmao wtf? (Labor work) We dated for a few years before we broken up. She posted a story about her catching me on facebook of course. I guess you could say I'm sort of an alpha male? I dunno any better terms right now lol i've gotten into 14 fights before the age 17 (mainly I stuck up for people who wouldn't do it themselves) but no one believed it or even questioned me.I lived in a small town for most of my life. The thing is I've never had a sex drive, i kinda forced myself to do it to retain the relationship. Still to this day I've never had a real sex drive :/ I've had several 8's and 9's naked in front of me and I had no drive to have sex with them which wouldn't let me get erect. I'm attracted to females but now have no idea on how I'm going to be able to sustain a wife!

I'm not attracted to males, but I'm severely submissive outside my "guy clothes" you could say. Anything really goes with me if i'm dressed tho so who knows. I had a collection of female clothes ever since I could remember stowed away under my bed. And had some sort of feeling of wanting a some sort of mistress even before I knew what that was later in life

anyway so this has been part of me my whole life and no matter what I do to avoid or mask it it's always there!

My build is I'm 6' 1" - 6' 2" I've been 125 pounds 10lbs give or take for years now. very lanky i guess you could say. I have long skinny arms
I don't have much muscle tone at all anywhere
I have a natural hour glass shape, I have a Adams apple but it looks like there is a small marble on it lol sorry i can't really explain
My veins in my arms are usually bulged? they get very enlarged sometimes
Large set of nuts, small penis unless I'm erect than is farrrr from small.
My nipples are puffy unless i'm cold, They have some sort of meat behind them if you grab back far enough ( which really isn't far)
I have short term memory loss
I can't gain weight to save my life
I can say certain words in my head perfect but when I say them they come out not sounding like I was trying to say
I've passed out quite a few times when i don't eat. I get light headed when my heart rate goes up whenever i don't eat? something like that, i've never came to a conclusion what it was

I'll add to this post when I think of more..

But lately these feelings have been getting stronger that's what caused me to look it up my symptoms

So my question is I would like to find an explanation for at least some of my feelings from childhood to now but really just seeking advice.
I wanted to get some tests done because deep down I truly feel I was born with this and its like its programmed in my head or something. I was going to jump right into a karyotype but read it can be expensive. I make 42k a year but don't want to be wasting money. Is there another route i can take for now and if than if i still suspect it than go for a karyotype?

I just don't understand how I can't just snap out of it, and the more I think back it all makes sense!

Please post anything in regards this post if you think it could help me in anyway!

Thanks for reading my aggravating life

[Cindy]

Hi Umm

Nothing particularly unusual in your experiences to be honest. Many of us have gone through much the same.

I'll just post a link to the rule ets

Hi, and welcome to Susan's! We have people come to visit us from all over the world, expressing different points of view, and you are likely to find someone to help you along your way   

Here are some important links and things to ponder as you begin your journey here.


•   Site Terms of Service and rules to live by are in the announcement area and include:
•   Standard Terms and Definitions
•   Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar/post links and photos)
•   Age and the Forum
•   Reputation rules
Feel free to post and discuss anything within the rules, if you make a mistake, don't panic, report it to a Mod, there is a button to the right of your post.
If a post upsets, or is insulting to you report it to a Mod. Do not take action yourself. We are here to help you and maintain the site for all.
Our mission is to be a support site for gender dysmorphic people of any situation, so feel at home and feel comfortable. You are now family.


To find out if you are intersexed does mean a chromosome test, but talking to a gender therapist would be a better option (IMO) to start with. They tend to get your head around your feelings and as you travel along you will get blood tests etc. You don't have to be intersexed to be female (or male), it seems a lot more complicated than that.

So have a read and a chat with people.

Oh, I'm Cindy and I'm in Australia, a bit that isn't flooded.

Welcome

Cindy

[ummmmyeah]

Yeah there's tons of left out information, took me a few hours to type that and you managed to get all your information in your reply in like 30 seconds haha

Yeah i don't really like talking about my feelings cause its not like i can explain them anyway so any sort of therapy isn't going to help me. I'm the person that seeks a yes or no answer unfortunately.

This seems like more than what my mind is perceiving me.

[ummmmyeah]

This is probably in the wrong section i just realized

[Cindy]

Good therapists are good because they can allow you to overcome those problems. And they are very used to it.

I'll move the thread if need be.

Cindy

[ummmmyeah]

I don't seem to get gratification out of normal sex, it doesn't compare to the weird nice sensation of what i've been getting during my whole life

and thanks,

[Cindy]

I think we have to be very careful when we define things as normal or abnormal, or even non-normal. I'm normal as far as I'm concerned.  But a lot of people don't meet the criteria for my normality.

I recall seeing  Ian McKellen being interviewed. He was Gandalf in LOR, and a very public Gay man. He was asked how it felt growing up as not a normal heterosexual. His reply was that he wondered how all the  heterosexuals felt growing up being abnormal.

I have to admit that I'm not homosexual, I like guys, but I can see his point of view.

Cindy

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi Ummm,
Another warm, but wet, Aussie welcome to Susan's. You indeed have stopped off at the right place to get things back in order for yourself. Susan's family is second to none and is by choice.

Cindy, indeed is well versed in these TG matters, and from what she has said, I can only say; +1.  Being under a therapist myself, although I thought, and still think I'm normal, has made an enormous amount of sense and difference to me.

To find out if you are intersexed does mean a chromosome test, but talking to a gender therapist would be a better option (IMO) to start with. They tend to get your head around your feelings and as you travel along you will get blood tests etc. You don't have to be intersexed to be female (or male), it seems a lot more complicated than that.

Since making the decision to stop 'kicking tyres' and do something about transitioning, I found I've been sailing in uncharted waters. Being open to advice has been more than helpful; whether it is to be used now, or held onto, to be used later.

Thank you for sharing such a detailed account of your life and feeling with us. It's always nice to meet new friends. Keep in touch and let us know how you are coping. Feel free to ask anyhting that's on your mind. But most of all,

Be safe, well and happy.
Lotsa huggs
Catherine

[ummmmyeah]

as much as that would be my desire my actual life is cemented around my "guy' personality. Like i said no one would ever aspect me being this way, i created a strong outlook on just that one personality that it would probably cause more harm than help as far as my family is concerned, friends I could careless since I'm very independent.  I look completely male and would need major surgery on my male nose to even look similar to female. everything else resembles female characteristics. I do not think like a normal male nor do i think completely female I'm my own itself. As far as my decent paying job, no idea what that outcome would be nor do i want to know. I really looking at the medical side of things, if it could be the case that something is in a imbalance or an extra chromosome i would like to look into it so i don't have any health surprises when I get older.

I have thoughts every now and again to just move away from everyone and restart as female and that sounds more fiction than fact. I'm just surprised no one mentioned to get a hormone analysis, although I did come here and fully respect everyone opinion.

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi Ummmm,

Good to see you are coping and handling your situation in a relatively stable manner.

I really looking at the medical side of things, if it could be the case that something is in a imbalance or an extra chromosome.
I have thoughts every now and again to just move away from everyone and restart as female and that sounds more fiction than fact. I'm just surprised no one mentioned to get a hormone analysis, although I did come here and fully respect everyone opinion.

Generally speaking chromosomal abnormalities in this community represent a relatively small percentage, and are more often than not present behavioural and physical indicators that are conducive with any abnormality.

As far as hormone analysis is concerned, in Australia, once your therapist has determined you are a proponent of GID, they then refer you to an Endocronolist who will determine your base line hormones through blood tests. Unusual for it to be done the other way round.

You also need to be aware how this condition eats away at you until you concede to it's tyrannical demands. So even at the tender young age of 20, don't be surprised when your fictional thoughts of moving away and starting life as the woman you know doubt are; becomes factual. That's the nature of this insideous beast. Validate your feelings, one way or the other. Don't let denial take root and ruin your life.

Be safe, well and happy.
Lotsa huggs
Catherine

[ummmmyeah]

yeah sorry I'm really no expert at all, in fact I just looked up my symptoms day before yesterday. (so i really don't try to offend anyone but i don't know how else to explain it)
This had been going on as far back as i can possibly remember but it's just now starting to fully effect me. I do not hate what I'm feeling whatsoever, i just "go with the flow" but it has gradually gotten stronger.
I just don't fully understand how i could be born this way and not have any medical reason? like i said i'm dumb as a rock about this subject so not trying to offend anyone..
I never had blood taken as far as I'm concerned since I never really had any medical reason too. I will probably get a hormone analysis and a sperm count if they come up clean than I'll just drop the subject and carry on with my normal life even though I already know this isn't going away anytime soon. I REALLY don't like talking about myself or feelings so i strongly run away in the opposite direction when I hear therapist, how can words explain ones mind anyway?

[ummmmyeah]

Okay that really helped me out , definitely helped me sum some questions up.
I'm not afraid of being GID at all since I've been feeling this way for as long as i can remember and I have already accepted the fact that I'm not like a normal male. The thing is that I didn't think that even if i did manage to talk to someone I didn't think that they could help or explain the reasons I felt this way but I just lost that mentality sinse I've read everyone's post and it seems everyone knows a lot more about my "gift"  than I seem to know.

I truly do wish I was born female because I feel like I'd be more 'fit" between my inner and outer self. However I'm not female which leaves me deeply deeply confused. I'm guessing there's not too many ways to prove this is true? Also my dad has really low T i dont know if that could have anything to do with it

[Devlyn]

Hi Ummmmyeah, it's nice to meet you! I live near Boston. You came to the right place for figuring yourself out. See you around, hugs, Devlyn

[ummmmyeah]

Q1.
When I was younger i believed every male had felt the same way as I do until I came to my understanding. So the better answer would be yes.

Q2.
I wouldnt say always because really depends on my moods sometimes, but I definitely believe something is out of sync

Q3.
Can you please elaborate? I'm curious myself

Q4.
Yes kinda, I see myself as a hard working female. In my house I definetly feel a little more comfortable being myself which seems like more feminine even though I don't always express it ( I've created some sort of male outer shell that i believe i subconsciously made to mask certain things)


And thanks for the welcome, always enjoy meeting new people

[ummmmyeah]

My real name is Dave btw Haha ummmyeah was the first thing that came to mind

[ummmmyeah]

broadly seems to fit

Now to the important question,
what do you suggest i do? I will take consideration on any suggestion given

[ummmmyeah]

question, could i possibly have had some sort of liver disease my whole life?

I know liver disease can produce high levels of estrogen
some symptoms include fat intolerance which could be why I'm skinny and couldn't process fat?
Nervous system disorders include depression, mood changes, especially anger and irritability, poor concentration
The blood sugar problems include a craving for sugar, hypoglycaemia and unstable blood sugar levels, and the onset of type 2 diabetes.

Does Klinefelter's syndrome have liver disease as a possible health problem?

[lilacwoman]

go to your doctor and demand an endo test and report.
then a meeting with a shrink experienced in gender issues.
then foget about moving away and becoming a woman overnight...that happens to very few men who move into the blind communities.

[ummmmyeah]

lol yeah I know I just didnt know if anyone knew if they can be linked together

[Stephe]

Okay well ever since I could remember I've had unusual feelings. when I was four I used to make my older sister (2 years older) dress me up in her clothes and dresses
((home videos of me in them right after I turned 4))
.......
So my question is I would like to find an explanation for at least some of my feelings from childhood to now but really just seeking advice.
I wanted to get some tests done because deep down I truly feel I was born with this and its like its programmed in my head or something.

I can 100% relate to the above and the real question that needs to be asked is: Why believe there is some sort of physical "problem" when I highly doubt this is anything more than being transgendered. There likely is no test to prove you were born the wrong sex. I can't prove I was nor do I care to. I KNOW I am trans and have known I wanted to be a girl from a very young age, way before I even know what the physical differences were or why. You likely will never find any explanation for why trans people are the way we are. I can tell you these feeling get stronger the older you get and denial of this doesn't work for anyone.

As far as suggestions, you sound like a reasonable person and if I were you, I would go see a gender therapist (before looking for medical problems) and tell them "I believe I am transgendered" and when they ask why, tell them your story honestly. You don't sound like you are flipping out over this and IMHO it seems you have discovered what is going on for the most part yourself. I don't think you need like massive amounts of therapy, more like someone who understands this and can steer you in the right direction. Do some research and don't just go to the first therapist you find. A bad therapist could make you even more confused!