Heartbroken

[pretty]

For some people, romantic love can involve more than sexual attraction.

That's why some people can stay with a spouse who has a serious, disfiguring injury.  Or stay with someone as they age.  Or stay with someone who has significant sexual dysfunction.

I have always thought love and the "to death do you part" marriage vow fit just fine together.  Even though I'm not dumb enough to think my spouse will look, in 40 years, as she did when we got married.  It's quite possible standard heterosexual sex won't be an option in 40 years for us.  I still will want to be with her.

I know not everyone sees love the same way.  I know it took me a while to figure out that love isn't based on, essentially, a value transaction ("I give you something you want, you give me something I want") but is very different than that, at least for some people (myself included).  Other kinds of love (based on a value transaction) don't feel as wonderful to me.  It doesn't feel like "true love".  I recognize true love is rare, but it is worth it if you find it.

So from this perpective, I don't think it's unreasonable to think that love can survive a surgical transition.

The point is that in such an example, they went in expecting a woman and compromised along the way to accept physical changes. Chances are, they still think of that person as a woman. The relationship would have never happened if the person had started out as a cismale. Just because love is more than sex--and it is--doesn't mean love is gender-blind (at least, not for most people).

[Jeneva]

The point is that in such an example, they went in expecting a woman and compromised along the way to accept physical changes. Chances are, they still think of that person as a woman. The relationship would have never happened if the person had started out as a cismale. Just because love is more than sex--and it is--doesn't mean love is gender-blind (at least, not for most people).

You cannot know what he thinks the gender of his partner is.  Further saying that because a relationship wouldn't have happened if he were born a cismale doesn't imply that it can't continue even after understanding that his partner's inner self is male.  Once an emotional connection is made it is a lot easier to sustain it than building a new one.  Further I suspect than in a lot of cases where a partner successfully transitions during a relationship, there was a subconscious attraction to the parts of that partner's true self that weren't hidden in the first place.

Do you really think the OP needed such a negative post?  Do you think he didn't know that historically many relationships have failed when transition starts?  No one has given him a pollyanna view of the world so a bleak reply isn't needed to keep it grounded in reality.

[Cindy]

My thoughts and post were based on previous examples of 'new' relationships. I have been married for 28 years. My wife knew about Cindy after our first date. I could never transition during our time together but I could be me at home. I love my wife totally and I also gave her my oath 'in sickness and in health, till death do we part'. My wife has been a total and completer invalid for the last 8 years. She cannot move, she cannot feed herself. I cannot look after her, she is in a nursing home. I still love her with the passion of when we met. I will never desert her. I am know transitioning as  our lives have changed.

In my post I was not trying to be negative, but realistic. Our marriage has been glorious but not without mind numbing moments of horror. I was not suggesting to Kyyn to give up, but to be aware of the difficulties such relationships create.

Cindy

[spacial]

Cindy.

I'm pretty sure everyone reading that post think the same as they do about all of your posts. Thoughtful, well meaning and intelligent.

That post was in the same vein, it certainly provoked some interesting thoughts.

If it means anything to you, in the 2 years I've been on here, you have personally made a difference to me, how I look at things and to my life.

I can't begin to imagine how devastating it must be for both you and your wife, how things are. But I can say, I completely understand the strength of your relationship.

[JB]

Yeah.agree with pretty here. Sounds like you need some time by yourself, people you love might hold you back in your transition,if you are gonna do that journey. My girlfriend broke up with me,I had a horrible heartace,painful as hell.But left by my self,I could finally get to myself. Some people who love me,but refuse to see the boy I am,they have to go. If someone tries to hold you back,and telling you,"oh you´re not the girl I used to know" etc. Then they are basically refusing to see who you are,they are holding you back,and they have to realize that they dont really know who you are. And maybe its time to be a bit clear about that.

[MacKenzie]

  Yeah more often then not these type of relationships don't work out but hey if you both can look past gender issues then who knows.

[annette]

I do agree with Cindy, we have to be realistic.
Sometimes people can't be together, even when they love eachother.
This has nothing to do with a bad guy or nasty girl but we all have feelings, expectations, wishes for what we want in life.
Nobody is to blame, one can be open minded as can be, but we are all human and we all have one life, if he wants a woman to spend his life with, you can't blame him for not wanting a romantic relationship with another man.
Nevertheless, these events are always sad and painfull, that's often the price a transsexual has to pay.
I've been there, I know it's painfull but one way or another that damn price has to be paid before you can have a happy life as yourself.
I wish you all the strength you need for the future

[Jeneva]

I do agree with Cindy, we have to be realistic.
Sometimes people can't be together, even when they love eachother.
This has nothing to do with a bad guy or nasty girl but we all have feelings, expectations, wishes for what we want in life.
Nobody is to blame, one can be open minded as can be, but we are all human and we all have one life, if he wants a woman to spend his life with, you can't blame him for not wanting a romantic relationship with another man.
Nevertheless, these events are always sad and painfull, that's often the price a transsexual has to pay.
I've been there, I know it's painfull but one way or another that damn price has to be paid before you can have a happy life as yourself.
I wish you all the strength you need for the future

Just because it seems that everyone is assuming I was talking about Cindy, please note that I did NOT quote her post.  I had earlier in the thread also said that it doesn't always work out and even mentioned that the gay FTM's get the short end of the stick because of societal pressure against gay men.

I was responding to the two posts that said that one of the following two was true.  Either the boyfriend still saw him as a girl OR he was going to leave.  That is an extremely negative viewpoint because there are other options even if they rarely happen.  There is a difference between saying it usually doesn't work and saying it never works.

[Mews]

He called me today to tell me hes sorry and he didnt mean anything he said last night and hes once again ok and supportive with every other then bottom surgery...

.... Not sure what changed...

Are there any significant others on here that can help me understand him and do the right thing by him?

I think I can understand where he's coming from. It can be scary, and sometimes you overreact and pull away without thinking. But after the dust has settled and you can analyze everything you realize you were just being a jackass and you were afraid. I don't let fear rule my life now, and I'll be damned if I let it ruin my relationship with my significant other(a MtF).

The irony now is that I'm sort of in the same boat you are. I believe I'm a man(I've felt this way for a while now), but for many reasons I don't want to/can't transition. Now he(he still wants to use male pronouns) says he's uncomfortable with being thought of as gay by the public, and is pulling away from me. I can really understand where you're coming from, and I am very sorry.

[sweettexastgirl409]

He sounds like a sweet guy.