No more T (venting post)

[Dominick_81]

If T doesn't start working for me in 1 more year, I'm not gonna take it anymore. It hasn't done anything positive for me and I'm miserable. With my new haircut I feel and look like a butch lesbian and I hate it! If T had done it's job I wouldn't look like a butch lesbian right now. I'm just so angry. I might have to up my dosage and get a shot every week. I'm fine and terrified (b/c I hate shots) at the same time, but I want some  changes. I feel I wasted a year on T b/c it has done absolutely nothing except make me feel worse about myself with the weight gain, acne and hair I places I don't want it. Had T done it's job, I wouldn't feel so bad. I'm just so unbelievably angry and depressed that T has done nothing for me.

[mm]

Sorry to hear that T is not giving you the results you expected.  What does your endoc dr say about your results?

[rexyrex]

If you up your dose it will turn into E, is ur T levels ok all that 1st year?

[wheat thins are delicious]

If T doesn't start working for me in 1 more year, I'm not gonna take it anymore. It hasn't done anything positive for me and I'm miserable. With my new haircut I feel and look like a butch lesbian and I hate it! If T had done it's job I wouldn't look like a butch lesbian right now. I'm just so angry. I might have to up my dosage and get a shot every week. I'm fine and terrified (b/c I hate shots) at the same time, but I want some  changes. I feel I wasted a year on T b/c it has done absolutely nothing except make me feel worse about myself with the weight gain, acne and hair I places I don't want it. Had T done it's job, I wouldn't feel so bad. I'm just so unbelievably angry and depressed that T has done nothing for me.

If you up your dose to more than your body can metabolize it will turn to estrogen and won't do any good. 

Body hair growth is a common "side effect" of T.  It's only been a year.  A very short time in the long run of puberty, which is what taking T does, makes you go through a male puberty.

Why did you start T if I may ask? 

[Nygeel]

If you up your dose it will turn into E, is ur T levels ok all that 1st year?

It doesn't exactly happen that way. Over time and with high enough levels it would. The bigger concern would be liver failure, and health/blood problems.

Dominick, it is a difficult process. If you don't believe this "in between" part to be worth it then stopping transition might be a good idea so you can reassess yourself.

[Squirrel698]

Oh Dominick you're like my problem child and you are not much younger than me.

You should have known from the start T is not a miracle drug.  It can help you move towards your goals but it's not going to do it for you.  You need to do your part.  One easy way to do your part is eat a healthy high protein diet and work out.  Both of those options naturally raise your testosterone. 

Upping your shots is an excellent way to greatly increase your acne and cause your hair to fall out.  Also like Nygeel said, you can't live your dream if you don't have a liver.   

[Nygeel]

You should have known from the start T is not a miracle drug.  It can help you move towards your goals but it's not going to do it for you.  You need to do your part.  One easy way to do your part is eat a healthy high protein diet and work out.  Both of those options naturally raise your testosterone. 

I will have to say a few things on this. That is much easier said than done, and doing that doesn't always work. I lost 35 lbs and socially there hasn't been any difference. I think part of what Dominick is experiencing is that he is putting in effort (ex: cutting hair, changing clothes, other social cues, and getting T which can be difficult to obtain) without getting a return yet. By doing more (working out) and still getting no results, it makes matters worse.

[Dominick_81]

Sorry to hear that T is not giving you the results you expected.  What does your endoc dr say about your results?

She said there in the normal male range. There's like a high, low and medium range. I think I'm in the low range, but she said my levels are still a normal male ranger.

If you up your dose it will turn into E, is ur T levels ok all that 1st year?

They were higher for a while b/c she didn't know to check my T levels every 3 months. Once I mentioned it to the nurse she mentioned it to the doctor and then I was able to get my T level checked. I'm thinking that might have slowed me down. But Still after all this time I should look different, more masculine in 1 year. I see guys here who have been on T for only a couple months and they look different and have masculines. Very rare is there someone like me who hasn't has change like they should. There's gotta be something wrong why were not changing at all. The dosages were getting, I dunno. But it's frustrating.

If you up your dose to more than your body can metabolize it will turn to estrogen and won't do any good. 

Body hair growth is a common "side effect" of T.  It's only been a year.  A very short time in the long run of puberty, which is what taking T does, makes you go through a male puberty.

Why did you start T if I may ask? 

That's what happen to me in the beginning, my dosage was too high for a while. But for the last 5,6 months or so they have been in the normal male range.

I started T b/c I wanted to look and pass 100% as male and I wanted a deeper voice. And Also to get a gf... a straight girl.

Dominick, it is a difficult process. If you don't believe this "in between" part to be worth it then stopping transition might be a good idea so you can reassess yourself.

I know but when I see all these other guys getting results in just a couple of months on T it's frustrating. Plus I don't want to have a period full time again. It was great not having cramps every month for 3-4 days. But also I'm probably not getting a hysto, I'm not sure what's gonna happen to me. I refuse to go to a gyno. I'd get a hysto if it was all cover by insurance and I didn't have to see gyno.

Oh Dominick you're like my problem child and you are not much younger than me.

You should have known from the start T is not a miracle drug.  It can help you move towards your goals but it's not going to do it for you.  You need to do your part.  One easy way to do your part is eat a healthy high protein diet and work out.  Both of those options naturally raise your testosterone. 

Upping your shots is an excellent way to greatly increase your acne and cause your hair to fall out.  Also like Nygeel said, you can't live your dream if you don't have a liver.   

I know it's not a miracle drug, but I just see most guys getting results in just a couple months and I haven't got'n any positive results.

That's what my doctor said about upping the dosage, acne. She said she can increase my dosage and it will still be in the normal male range but I will get more acne and I don't want that.

I'm too depressed to workout and I don't have the exercise machine I like. I have a stationary bike but I hate it. I like the treadmill. But the last 2 treadmills I had both broken when I started using it consistently. If I had a treadmill I would workout and I can't join a gym b/c I have no money to join a gym. I'm kinda stuck.  I sometimes eat one meal a day and I still gain weight. I just have a sucky metabolism. 

I will have to say a few things on this. That is much easier said than done, and doing that doesn't always work. I lost 35 lbs and socially there hasn't been any difference. I think part of what Dominick is experiencing is that he is putting in effort (ex: cutting hair, changing clothes, other social cues, and getting T which can be difficult to obtain) without getting a return yet. By doing more (working out) and still getting no results, it makes matters worse.

Yes, this true. Though, I could workout more to loose weight, but this sever depression makes it very hard to do anything. I have no energy. Depression takes a lot out of ya.

[Squirrel698]

@Nygeel - Fair enough but I still maintain that in order for life to happen you need to go out and make it happen.  I wish the best for Dominick, I really do and I'm sorry he's depressed.  He has to make the choice himself to put forth the effort.  No person on here or any drug can really do it for him.   

Working out also boosts your self-confidence and has proven health benefits.  So I don't think it would be wasted even if it didn't transform him into a body builder.   

[Elijah3291]

Oh Dominick you're like my problem child and you are not much younger than me.

You should have known from the start T is not a miracle drug.  It can help you move towards your goals but it's not going to do it for you.  You need to do your part.  One easy way to do your part is eat a healthy high protein diet and work out.  Both of those options naturally raise your testosterone. 

Upping your shots is an excellent way to greatly increase your acne and cause your hair to fall out.  Also like Nygeel said, you can't live your dream if you don't have a liver.   

yes, yes, yes.

it is NOT a miracle drug.  I have only a tiny bit of facial hair, I have hardly any body hair, my muscles didnt explode out of my arms, my dick isnt huge.  Do I get discouraged when i see guys on here who are only a few months on T and have a full face of hair? Sure.  But I dont let it bother me too much, the changes come differently.  Sometimes it is super slow, sometimes its really fast.

Would you rather just chill out and watch things as they go, even if it takes some time? or just stop T all together and not have anything change?

and as you say, the only changes you have gotten, the body hair you didnt want, why would you take T if you didnt want body hair? You cant just pick and choose what changes you get, you have to accept it as a whole package, take it or leave it.

I just dont understand when guys complain about T changes.  I am a guy, therefore I love all the things T does to me, because it makes me, me.  I love even the "unappealing" changes, like ass hair, morning boners

[Nygeel]

@Nygeel - Fair enough but I still maintain that in order for life to happen you need to go out and make it happen.  I wish the best for Dominick, I really do and I'm sorry he's depressed.  He has to make the choice himself to put forth the effort.  No person on here or any drug can really do it for him.   

Working out also boosts your self-confidence and has proven health benefits.  So I don't think it would be wasted even if it didn't transform him into a body builder.

For myself and my own experiences working out made me feel worse about myself.

[wheat thins are delicious]

I started T b/c I wanted to look and pass 100% as male and I wanted a deeper voice. And Also to get a gf... a straight girl.

It's takes time.  I know you are looking at a lot of other guys and comparing yourself to them but you need to stop.  For your own sanity stop.  T isn't going to help you get a gf, nor do you need T to get a gf, straight identified or not.

You also need to work on your confidence.  You post a lot about not passing/wondering why you don't pass.  I think you do pass, I suspect that you pass a lot more than you realize because all you do is focus on the times you don't pass and just nit pick it to death.  Don't focus on the negative so much, focus on the positive instead.

The reason you can eat only one meal a day and still gain weight is because you have slowed your metabolism down by doing that.  When you only feed your body a small amount once a day, your body assumes you are starving, so it holds on to the calories for all it's worth.

[Dominick_81]

I just want to be skinny. that would give me a lot of confidence. Being overweight makes me so depressed. And I see how my cousins and other people can eat all this junk food and not gain a pound and they don't workout... it's not fair.  While it's true some people have to work at being skinny, others don't. It's not fair, but this life and life sucks and it's so unfair.

yes, yes, yes.

it is NOT a miracle drug.  I have only a tiny bit of facial hair, I have hardly any body hair, my muscles didnt explode out of my arms, my dick isnt huge.  Do I get discouraged when i see guys on here who are only a few months on T and have a full face of hair? Sure.  But I dont let it bother me too much, the changes come differently.  Sometimes it is super slow, sometimes its really fast.

Would you rather just chill out and watch things as they go, even if it takes some time? or just stop T all together and not have anything change?

and as you say, the only changes you have gotten, the body hair you didnt want, why would you take T if you didnt want body hair? You cant just pick and choose what changes you get, you have to accept it as a whole package, take it or leave it.

I just dont understand when guys complain about T changes.  I am a guy, therefore I love all the things T does to me, because it makes me, me.  I love even the "unappealing" changes, like ass hair, morning boners

I don't want to stop T, I'm just really frustrated after a year of no positive changes.

I'm not a fan of body hair. I don't think it's attractive at all on guys, too much of it anyways. I'm okay with my legs being hair as long as there not overly hairy. I don't like back hair. That's very unattractive and girls don't like it, and I hate it. I cut up my back trying to shave it all, but I can't reach it all. I shave my stomach b/c I don't like stomach hair. If there is hair in places I don't want it, I just shave it, it's not a big deal. It's not a deal breaker for me. I just don't want to be a hairy guy.

My complaint is there are no changes. I knew acne, body hair, and hair loss would come and I'm taking care of it. I wash my face and put on my acne med everyday. I shave unwanted body hair and when I loose my hair I'm getting a wig.

It's frustrating getting called she, her, ma'am all the time especially when you've been on T for over a year.

I remember seeing a before and after pic of you and I think you had great changes. You can actually tell you had changes. Me, ya can't. It's just frustrating.

It's takes time.  I know you are looking at a lot of other guys and comparing yourself to them but you need to stop.  For your own sanity stop.  T isn't going to help you get a gf, nor do you need T to get a gf, straight identified or not.

You also need to work on your confidence.  You post a lot about not passing/wondering why you don't pass.  I think you do pass, I suspect that you pass a lot more than you realize because all you do is focus on the times you don't pass and just nit pick it to death.  Don't focus on the negative so much, focus on the positive instead.

The reason you can eat only one meal a day and still gain weight is because you have slowed your metabolism down by doing that.  When you only feed your body a small amount once a day, your body assumes you are starving, so it holds on to the calories for all it's worth.

I dunno. I highly doubt a straight girl would date a trans guy if their not in transition. I mean every girl is different, but that's just how I feel.

My confidence keeps going down every time I get mis-gendered. I was thinking I was passing, but when I get a her, miss, she, ma'am, it brings my confidence back down again. I seem to only pass with a hat on. I don't want to wear a hat just to get a pass. I wanna pass without a hat too.

Yeah, mother keeps telling me that too if I don't eat all day. But if I eat I still gain weight. I can't win either way.

[wheat thins are delicious]

You have to train your metabolism, it takes time.  Eat several small meals a day, and exercise regularly.  I'm no expert in it, I'm heavy myself and hardly exercise.  I suggest googling it. 

Girls do and like a variety of things, not all like the same thing, not all do the same thing.  Some girls dig guys with back hair, some don't and yes, there are straight girls that have been in a relationship with a pre-T trans man. 

It's hard, it really is, to be called ma'am/miss/she/etc when you feel you are passing, but you have to try, you have to try and tell yourself something, anything to get through/over it.  "I'll never see them again/oh they see women all day and it was just out of habit/they have poor eyesight/my hair is longer so they assumed something"  these are all things I tell myself.  Yes people still call me ma'am sometimes.  It's easy for them to do because my hair is longer, sometimes I sound overly cheerful, everyone where I work is a woman, I work very hard to control my feelings towards it.  I suggest you try that too.

[supremecatoverlord]

there are straight girls that have been in a relationship with a pre-T trans man. 

I was actually one of these men.
If you present yourself in a certain demeanor, there's a lot of girls that will have no trouble seeing you as "manly" (since that seems like what you want to be seen as you). Like I said on your other thread about showing off some self confidence, it will have an effect on how much you pass, but I'd also like to add is that often has an effect on how often you'll have someone who will want to date you. I get you have depression, but a lot of society tend to stray away from people who seem outwardly nervous and crestfallen about their life. You also said something about guys shrugging things off like getting called a girl. I actually know very few guys who would do this, especially without correcting someone.
As other people were saying, testosterone is not a miracle worker - yes, it helps a lot, but if you already have a lot of other things going on that may prevent you from passing and being happy, testosterone isn't necessarily nullify those things.

[Artemis]

This is not to sound negative or something... Not sure how to put this delicately... Not everyone reacts in the same way to T? For example when someone's AR gen is damaged or slightly different? And there are many more situations when the body will react only very weakly to T or this reaction is very slow? There are many cis-men who can not grow a beard and do not have hair on their arms and legs, etc.

[Dominick_81]

You have to train your metabolism, it takes time.  Eat several small meals a day, and exercise regularly.  I'm no expert in it, I'm heavy myself and hardly exercise.  I suggest googling it. 

Girls do and like a variety of things, not all like the same thing, not all do the same thing.  Some girls dig guys with back hair, some don't and yes, there are straight girls that have been in a relationship with a pre-T trans man. 

It's hard, it really is, to be called ma'am/miss/she/etc when you feel you are passing, but you have to try, you have to try and tell yourself something, anything to get through/over it.  "I'll never see them again/oh they see women all day and it was just out of habit/they have poor eyesight/my hair is longer so they assumed something"  these are all things I tell myself.  Yes people still call me ma'am sometimes.  It's easy for them to do because my hair is longer, sometimes I sound overly cheerful, everyone where I work is a woman, I work very hard to control my feelings towards it.  I suggest you try that too.

Yeah, that's something I gotta work on. I sleep so late most of the time that I don't eat anything until the afternoon or later afternoon. 

What about girlie girls? Will they date transmen in transition or not in transition?

Thanks Andy. I'll work on it.

@JasonRX: Awesome!

It's hard to work on self confidence when your overweight. My weight just bothers me so much. So I don't have any self confidence. If I was skinny, I'd have a whole lot more confidence.


@Artemis: I know not everyone reacts to T the same way, but the majority of guys I've seen look different, more masculine within a couple months on T, so it frustrates me when I've has no positive changes in over a year and still look exactly the same.

[Robert Scott]

If it makes you feel any better I have been on T since Jan -- I know only a couple months - but have had absolutely no changes -- no pimples, no voice drop, no hair -- nadda

I look at it like puberty -- if you look through your year book it's like boys grow at different rates -- I remember this skinny small guy my freshman year and over his junior year summer he shot up and grew muscles.  As opposed to some of my friends who had beards in middle school.

My doctor told me that she is going to push my T levels to the mid to high range for 2-3 years and then once it looks like I have gone through the majority of changes then she will get me in the normal range for a guy my age. 

Have you thought of switching the type of T you are taking?  I have heard that some folks react differently from the natural and the man synethesized version of T.  Just a thought

[Inkwe Mupkins]

For myself and my own experiences working out made me feel worse about myself.

I agree 100% percent. For me while working out I just feel so fat and out of shape.

Its been 1.5 years on T for me and it wasn't until recently that my facial hair has really started coming in. I'm 240lbs and I'm 5'5" so I understand the overweight thing. TBH being overweight is my biggest downer right now.

I work out...occasionally. I don't do it as much because I feel like crap doing it and it requires sooo much moving. UH, I hate moving and my binder rolls really bad and its just uncomfortable when working out in it. Now that I got my own car though, I can go to the state park 15miles away and hike...so maybe I'll start losing weight. Hiking is the only time I enjoy moving.

[Vegadoc]

I'd like to offer up some advice. For me I weigh almost 300 pounds I've gained 30 pounds in the last 7 months on T. I work over 45 hours a week and I've made the choice to get workouts in 5 days a week. Working out does suck when results don't show but if you do the right workouts and being on T it will help give you a better shape. I know it's easier said then done but working out does make you feel better. And once you start gaining more muscle your confidence will go up. It has for me anyway.