I guess, it's time for my intro.
) You all can call me Ash or Asha.
I have spent most of my life feeling like there was something different inside of me, like I wasn't who I was supposed to be, wasn't leading the life I was meant to; I always just had this empty 'void' feeling inside... almost like there were pieces of my life's puzzle missing. When I was young, I felt like a girl inside.. would make friends with the other girls (still find it very easy to make female friends to this day) and wanted to do the things they did. However, I grew up with two brothers and a family of mostly males save my mother and grandmother. Most of the kids in my area I lived in were boys too... and I was the type to always try and fit in. So I would act like the boys, act tough and so forth... but always wanting to do other things. I remember this one time when I saw a picture of myself in a dress and asked my mom about it... she laughed and said that that was her when she was young. I was shocked, couldn't believe that we had almost looked identical. I guess from that point, I had developed a curiosity in women's clothes and tried my mother's things on when no one was around... granted they were too big. lol
I kept telling myself inside that I felt like a girl... but the people around me, my parents, society... I don't know where I got the idea... but I was always getting exposed to the notion that boys who felt like girls... were just gay guys who wanted to legitimize their sexuality, or cross dressers / drag queens. I like girls personally and even went so far as to try and be with boys; I experimented... but, nope, it didn't feel right. I knew I liked girls.. so in my confusion I would always talk myself out of believing that I could be a girl inside. This went on for most of my younger life... yet I would always dream of a different life, one in which I was female... and I would always long to do other things that may have appeared feminine to some... I forced myself to act different and be 'normal'. I guess after so many years it just got easy... but my mind was always tortured. I started to believe the emptiness inside could be filled in other ways... hobbies, jobs, school, sex, spirituality.. so forth. Eventually, I met a girl... and we fell hard in love and I got married (also thinking that maybe being married and having a family.. a 'normal life' would be the key).
For 7 years our love kept me distracted... the emptiness was still there, the dreams persisted, but I was happy and didn't care. As time went on... our marriage started to fall apart... not because of my gender issue, rather unrelated things between us. However, I always felt uncomfortable with who I was and life was awkward for me (in a male body). When things started falling apart, I stopped pretending and started to just be myself, I got sick of being different, being something I wasn't... even though I had kind of forgotten what it was exactly. I couldn't associate my dreams and my feminine ways with the emptiness or the fact that I was a woman inside. When my wife and I drifted apart, we both retreated into online gaming because, we didn't want to spend time with one another. It wasn't until 3 yrs ago when I started playing one game in particular, a social game where I made my avatar female. (I always had female characters in any game I played, without really paying attention to why that was.) This social game was like living another life for me... and it felt good, felt comfortable to me. I guess it wasn't until people were getting on me to voice chat with them, that I started to look into voice alteration software and found a particular Transgender online who was showing people how to feminize their voice. I discovered that she was a male to female, and liked women. It was like a wake up call slap in the face... everything I had trained my brain to believe was wrong? I began researching, watching tons of videos and basically learned what I could... found out there were females who wanted to be males, both gay and straight or even people who felt like neither or both... it was a real eye opener for me. This game had popped the pieces of the puzzle into place... but it was a game, only an illusion. Reality was where I needed to be now.
From that moment on, I began reexamining my life... and finally accepted the fact that I was female on the inside and I was done being Mr Pretend Male... well that didn't go over well at home. I constantly got told to stop acting like I was, stop standing a certain way, stop gesturing this way or that... basically I was constantly being told I looked gay... which didn't bother me... other than it was annoying and I wished I could just be left alone to be myself. This didn't help my marriage and pretty much ended up being the nail in the coffin. So, now, here I am... separated and living alone, free to explore the female inside and faced with a very daunting path before me. I know I feel uncomfortable with who I am, and the body I inhabit... transition is the path I'm destined for I think, if I truly wish to find happiness. I stand upon the threshold of a new life... scared, confused and wondering sometimes if I'm too old to be doing this now...
I am Ashazti and I am a woman.
)
