All time low feeling.

[AJarrah]

I don't know if this is normal, but I need to figure something out to feel "normal". Last night I came to an odd realization. I went out to dinner with my girlfriend, a few of her friends and her sister. It was my first time meeting her sister and we all were at the understanding that I would be going by my male name, and my male identity because that's what I felt was right. Come to find out after we had all left after dinner, someone had told my girlfriend's sister that I'm transgender before she met me. It struck me so wrong, I haven't been able to shake this horrible feeling. I'm starting to feel as though everyone around me that goes with my name change and gender pronouns are doing it to humor me, or to help me feel better about myself without actually VIEWING ME as what they're calling me. Sometimes when they slip the word "she" or something it just makes it feel like they're going out of their way to call me the gender I'm transitioning to. I just don't feel right. I feel as though I'm never going to be "male", and that I'm always going to be a "transsexual" to the people that knew me when I was still the miserable female I was. I spent 20 years as a female, I can't just take that back. I don't know if over time people will start to maybe forget I was ever considered female, or if I'll ever seem to forget it. I've never felt female, I didn't really identify myself as much of anything since the world called me female while I wanted to be male. It seems as though the body just doesn't look natural after things like bottom surgery, and that also discourages me. I just want it all to change. Basically, if I get the opportunity to change my body to be anatomically correct for a male, I want to look in a mirror and view myself as if I was born that way and it's all naturally right. But with that, I don't want to have to lie to myself. I suppose I just needed to rant and hope that I get some kind of newfound faith in my transition after saying it. Thanks for any advice I may get, I'm hoping for something good to come of talking to people that have done this before me.

[Amazon D]

We are never happy unless.... we want to be... we just need to accept when others try to help us or even hurt us.. the pain we feel ,,, we build up in our own minds... its our choice... ok so your transitioning..... well everyone else isn't and to expect them to go thru it with you is well asking a lot... if you get good stuff be glad and if you don't ,,,,its their problem not yours.. YOU HAVE THE CHOICE ... now go on and do what you need to do and be the man you know you are !

[Stephe]

Basically, if I get the opportunity to change my body to be anatomically correct for a male, I want to look in a mirror and view myself as if I was born that way and it's all naturally right. But with that, I don't want to have to lie to myself.

What you're experiencing is normal, we all have been there.

But the reason I picked out the above quote is important and it was for me a realization I had to make to become at peace with who I am. -You will never be "as if I was born that way", ever, period never.-  But it is naturally right that we are transgendered for us. Part of being transgendered means we need to be seen as the CORRECT gender, not our birth sex. You very much can see seen and accepted as your correct gender. You just can't go back and erase your history. You are correct you would have to lie to yourself to say you were born the way you modified your body to be.

The other thing is you can't spend your life trying to second guess what people are thinking. Unless someone tells me otherwise, I assume they do see me as a female now and I believe most people do, even people who know my past. I honestly don't see that I am treated any different by people who know my past and those who don't and I -KNOW- that some people have no clue I am TG. Early in transition this may not be true but you can get there. Just hang in there it does get better!