Need to Share a Personal Secret

[cdalyssa]

I've been cross dressing since I was 9 and have seen a few therapists over the years, including as recently as last fall. While, I have been pretty open with them about my CDing, there is something I have never told them, or anyone for that matter. It is not something serious like hurting myself or attempting suicide. (Which I've never done)It is my 1st CDing dream.

Whenever asked about my 1st fantasy or dream by the therapists, I would always tell them about one of the other fantasies or dreams I was having. For some reason sharing this dream with another person scared me to my core, including the therapist I saw last year. I was going to tell her, but before that particular session(in Oct) I had a severe panic attack while in my car in the parking lot. I had to talk myself out of telling her before my shaking body and sweating stopped. This paranoia makes no sense to me and has really affected my mood the last few weeks.

Last week I wrote my dream down in a "Diary" I started at the beginning of the year, hoping by getting it on paper would help. It didn't. So after a weekend of fighting my fear, I've decided that I will share this dream here with you. Even though I haven't posted much here, I visit daily and know what a supportive membership we have here. So with mildly shaking hands, here it is:

First a little backstory about what was going on in my life at the time:

I was raised Roman Catholic,  at 8 yrs old I would be receiving my 1st Communion, which is a big deal involving a huge celebration. I had not yet experimented with CDing, and looking back can't remember if I wanted to yet. Since a 1st Communion is a huge event, I was going to need my first suit; so I went shopping with my mom to buy it. It was around this time that I had my 1st dream of cross dressing.

Here it is:

In the dream it is the day of my 1st Communion and I am walking down a flight stairs to make a grand entrance to my family. As I'm walking down the stairs, everyone is clapping, taking pictures & commenting on how pretty I look, nothing out of the ordinary. At the bottom of the stairs, my mom takes me by my hand to a full length mirror. It is at this point where I realize that I am not wearing a suit, but a beautiful silk & lace white dress. I even notice I'm wearing white gloves, which I didn't notice when my mom grabbed my hand. Also, a surprise is a veil that covers my eyes, but I can faintly see my face is made up with very minimal lip color, eye shadow & blush. While in the dream I panic at the fact that I am a "girl" no one else does. Eventually in the dream, I'm at the church with all the other kids. We are told to get into 2 lines, 1 for boys & 1 for girls. Since I look like the girls I get in that line. My mom sees this, comes over and says to me using my given name, that I am in the wrong line and pulls me over into the boys line. Soon after I wake up.

I had that dream or slight variations often at that time. It was about a year later, when I was 9 that I finally experimented by trying on my friend's ballet leotard.

Even reading it now, I'm laughing for being so silly about it, but at the same time there is a knot in the pit of my stomach that still has me nervous about hitting the "Post" button. I can't explain why, but I'm more nervous now than when I was 1st caught 20 yrs ago.
Anyone have insight?

[Genevieve Swann]

I am close but not insight. Sssshh... I won't tell anyone your secret. Keep your voice down. Maybe many have been through similar experiences. I do not now for sure. If the dreams, etc. are not harmful to you then do not worry. I have come to realize there are billions of hands in the world but only a few helping hands. It only takes one hug verbal or physical. Huggs....P.S. You are the girl of your dreams.

[Cindy]

Hi Alyssa

I still remember wearing my sister's communion dress. She is only a year older than I am. I thought I looked really cute.

Nothing wrong with your fantasy. Nothing to be ashamed off.

Hugs

Cindy

[lilacwoman]

Who asks you about your fantasies?

If its at Toronto CAMH you should ask them about theirs.

[JulieC.]

I don't want to try to analyze your dream since I am not qualified but I don't see any reason you should be worried about telling the dream to your therapist or anyone else for that matter.  I do understand why it was a traumatic experience when you were 9 but you're not a child anymore.  You are, who you are, and this was a part of how you got here.  What is your fear?  That this dream means you always wished you were a girl?

All of my dreams where I am dressed as a woman involve getting "caught".  There is always fear, embarrassment or some strong emotion that overwhelms me in the dreams.  Likely what you felt in your dream.  It's strange cause I'm not nearly as concerned about getting caught when awake. 

I keep wishing I will have a dream where I look down and have a vagina instead of a penis.  That would be an awesome dream.

[PhSensei]

Its been a while since I posted, but I thought I would chime in on your dream.  I hope you don't take offense, but dreams fascinate me and deciphering what they mean is a minor hobby of mine.  In fact my wife and i share our dreams in order to decipher their meaning.  The thing about dreams with meaning is that they will repeat in some form until you understand their meaning.  Once you acknowledge it the dreams typically stop.  This is your sub conscious's only way to communicate with your conscious mind.  I believe the dream is all about self image.  I'm thinking that your inner psyche was feeling the urge to express your feminine side though your conscious mind wasnt aware yet.  Your communion was a big deal so that's why the dream occurred there.

You were dressed as a girl  because  you were expressing that repressed female side.  It seemed normal and natural to you internally so no one noticed.  Once you tried to identify as a girl people reacted.  Your inner vision didn't match how they perceived you, or more precisely how you saw them perceiving you.

That's a very personal turning point event, so I can see why you would hold the memory close and be reluctant to share it.  Kudos to you for sharing!  I truly beehive there is not anything wrong with us, we are just different than most people.  Different isn't bad.  We just have to embrace and accept ourselves.

[cdalyssa]

PHSensei,

Thank you for reading my post. Like you & your wife, I've always been fascinated by dreams and trying to analyze them. Which is why this issue hit such a nerve with me. In reading your analysis, I came to the conclusion, that is how I've interpreted it. However, could not explain it to my conscious self, or to others the lovely way you did.

So Thank You from the bottom of my heart for helping me put at ease this dilemma.

I also want to thank everyone who replied, as you've all helped this still confused 'gurl' become a little more aware of who 'she' wants to be. At least one wobbly step in 6" heels at a time. LOL

Bless you All,
Alyssa


P.S. My brother is getting married in June & recently asked me to be a Groomsman. Actually he mentioned his wedding and Groomsman question 3 days after I started this thread. I've since been daydreaming that for some reason I am asked to replace a bridesmaid. Wishful thinking.

[PhSensei]

Cdalyssa,

You are very welcome hon!  I hesitated hitting that post button for a bit, lol.  I felt like I was a stranger intruding since I hadn't been around for a while.  But your reaction was exactly what I hoped for.  I'm glad it helped, and I'm glad you could share here. 

As for the wedding; consider doing what I did at mine.  I was adamant that I had some fem to go with all that tuxedo.  I bought a special pair of black pantyhose to wear under my tux.  They aren't much different than dress socks anyways so its easy to pull off.  You could add a cami under your shirt too (I would have, but didn't have a white one).  Something to think about.