I am finnaly over everything happened with me, the graduation canceled and the amount of friends lost. Today I was doing some retrospective thinking and there are three moments that had me arrive at a very strong conclusion.
I remember in our first year of Uni, there was this party to gather money exactly to the graduation. All the women were going to gather at the house of one of us before going, while the guys were going to watch a soccer game before. Just like that, very gender biased. My first impulse at that moment was trying to tell them I was a girl too, but I had the feeling outing myself like that would not work. I don't like soccer, and I was not a guy,so I was not going to the guys only event because it was well, for guys. It was the first time, and fairly early on, I felt I didn't belong in that class.
Another year, I got homesick. I was really sick and pale, with a lot of stomach ache, fever and diarrhea and vomits. I lived alone and I remember I called a classmate I used to talk with a lot in those days, I just wanted to be with someone for a while because I was not feeling well at all. I recall when she answered the phone, she told me they were with a few other of our classmates hanging. I was told to just call a pharmacy and get so and so drug. My father called that night, and when I told him about the situation he said "This is tough then, it must be very tough to have no friends at all'. Next morning, no one at class asked how I was feeling.
In the last years before we began the internship program, I had made friends with a group of girls. With me, we were six. For a while things went great, I felt accepted and all that and they even called me to do stuff. But things progressed like this: one of them began gossiping about her roomate, which was one of our friends, and her gossip began sounding true to the others and they sided with the one who was gossiping. Eventually, the others stopped talking with her, just like that, and without her having done anything personal to them. I remember she was fairly hurt by this and although I tried to help her, the others were disliking her so much there was nothing I could actually do about it. In the months after, the same thing happened with me. They stopped talking with me, slowly, and when I approached they about it, they only told me things were fine, without explaining. They began hanging without me, and I walked away from them.
As I noticed this trend, I made a point to make friends out of University. And what a difference. I found people that worried about me and actually seemed to -care- about me. I was surprised to find people who showed more consideration for me than these classmates who I had expend so much time with in class. Today someone I meet, outside of uni, came to talk with me on facebook, just to ask how is it, I don't think I ever had anyone from class do this. I can't believe I have for such a long time sought the attention of these people just because we shared the same class,as if it was a necessity to do this. I had this need "to belong" and it allowed for way too much abuse on part of people who were close to me only for gains.
When I came to the forum about they not wanting to take pictures with me for our graduation invites, someone told me I should consider why I want to even associate with these people. I realise now that I don't want to. I'm feeling happy away from them.
