How to tell my mother?

[malinkibear]

Basically, I'm out to everyone in my life except my family. I've told all my lecturers at uni, all my friends, I recently got into a relationship with a straight girl who knew I'm trans before we got together, and I'm currently going through all the bureaucracy and tests on the NHS to hopefully start T before the end of the year. I bind and present as male full time, everyone has switched name and pronouns - I'm pretty much well on the way with my social transition. Except I haven't told my mother a thing. I'm 21 and moved out for uni three years ago, and since then we've only seen each other a handful of times. The last time I saw all my family was when she and my stepdad got married last year. We're not very close, but it's not because we don't like each other or anything, that's just how it is.

So I don't know why the thought of telling her makes me so anxious. I get the feeling she'd be fine with it (she's very 'live and let live'), and even if she wasn't, it's not like we ever talk anyway, and I've been financially independent for a long time. I've toyed with the idea of sending an email, but I don't think she'd fully understand it. I have no idea what the hell I'd say on the phone.

I feel stupid for getting so worried because I suspect she already knows. We're friends on Facebook, where I have my new name, and for my birthday recently everyone except her and my brother wrote my new name in their birthday wishes (my brother went for my old name, my mum called my 'Hunny'  ). My friends use male pronouns for me on there. The few times we've seen each other I've been binding and I know she noticed but didn't say anything. My new girlfriend even met her recently (they were in my city), and called me "he" to her So, yeah. I guess I just don't know how to word it? I just feel uncomfortable sharing something so personal with her? She'll have to find out eventually, especially when I start hormones, but I feel like it's unfair to have everyone in my life know about me, and for her not to. I am her kid, after all.

How did other people come out to their parents? I just... uh, I dunno why it's so hard. Sorry for rambling.

[Jamiep]

Hello Solobear,

I haven't been in your situation of having to come out to a parent as they had passed on well before I rediscovered my female persona. It is terrific that you have accomplished being out to your social world and have their support as well as the amazing girlfriend in your life. You must have developed a script in your brain to tell your story. I think you would probably be launching from the early stage of your life that you sensed you are male, the things you did or wanted to do opposite of your physical appearance, dressing as a male etc. This is what I did coming out to my Sis over 2 years ago, I gently worked my way to present day over about 10 minutes or so, to the point she was getting the picture. The result was positive & accepting. This led to a discussion & told her any sources, internet links with info., & facts that back you up or help inform. I showed her pics of me. I have since come out to a male cousin & his wife. Walking up to their house I said to my wife I am not sure how to word a start to my story. She suggested, "I have something to share with you and it doesn't hurt anyone." I found my moment & segued with that. Blessed with supportive family & my cousin said I was "courageous."

You are not stupid and I think it may be parental authority that makes us anxious, the worry that you are going to lose a family or friend. Your Mom has seen you male, read your new name and you are "he." A lot of ground has been broken for you and she probably has her suspicions or intuition. In telling your Mom, family or anyone that has known you for a long time, the male brain that is your soul, spirit and personality that they have loved, nurtured and know, that is a constant throughout your life & into the future. All you are changing is the wrapping and maybe a bit of plumbing that is congruent with your male brain that you are & whom they love.

Any coming out, especially a parent and family, arrange to do this in person, it is more immediate to dialogue, seeing facial & physical expression is vital. Never do it by email or social network.

All the best in your journey. Hope to hear how it goes with your Mom.

Jamie

[A]

I think she knows, and hasn't been wanting to stress you with questions. I guess she's just waiting for you to tell her. That, or someone told her and she sort of assumed that "you knew that she knew".

I think you should send her an e-mail, asking her to call you when she's done reading it. That way, SHE brings the subject up in conversation, and you don't have to go through the "what to tell" stress.

I'm sure it's going to be all right.

[King Malachite]

When I came out to my dad he was at work and I told him I was a male trapped in a females body but for your case I think humor may work.  I say go for a casual nonchalant approach over the phone or in person.  You could be talking about eggs and say "oh yeah you probably know this but I'm transgender and I'm going to transition from male to female...."  She sounds like she won't react too badly and then you could start talking back about eggs afterwards after that discussion.  I did something similar when I came out to my sister.  She was talking about potential war in Israel and said she is going to pray for them and I was like, "Oh yeah guess what I have something to tell you I'm transgendered." 

[chefskenzie]

It sounds like your mom already knows!  It took me forever to tell me mother what I was going through.  When I did she looked at me and smiled and said, "I already knew".    Hope you find a way to tell her and that everything goes the way you are hoping.

[justmeinoz]

I took the path of talking about GID as a Medical problem that can be managed but not cured.  I gave them a brief description and the fact that I had been "diagnosed."    That seemed to work pretty well with all the people I came out too.  It sounds like your Mum is waiting for you to feel the time is right.  Mum's are pretty good at sensing what is going on.

Karen.