About my identity- Your opinions wanted!

[caliyr]

So, here it is, its a kind of complicated stuff, but I'd like your opinion about it:

I was born as female, but I've always liked to do boyish stuff, like I played with cars, drew dinosaurs and helicopters, never wore dresses and skirts, and stuff, I liked to do tinkers, and I loved to beat up kids in kindergarten/primary school.
Then in primary school, when puberty began I felt like I was going the wrong way. It was not really suspicious that I was in the same dressing room as girls were, and I obviously knew the difference between female and male genitals but it wasnt obvious for me why MUST my body go in the female direction; somewhy I thought its not necessary... anyways, I felt terrible, and still do about that.
So there was a time when I forced feminity on myself and it felt most terrible.

Now I'm transsexual, I live as a male.
But there are some things that are a bit odd to me still, for example, okay, I obviously hate my breasts and I seriously thought of grabbing a knife and cut myself so I would get a surgery but I really dont want to risk bleeding out.
I hate my feminine shape, thou its not that terrible fortunately, but:
I dont have a problem with having a vagina, and neither with having vanigal sex (I sometimes wish I had a penis, because no matter how bottom/passive I am in sex, I still -miraculously- have a top/active side) but I'm totally okay with it, and I dont want to have phalloplasty (Tho I wish my uterus to be removed, I dont want to get pregnant and dont want to have kids)

I have many feminine traits otherwise, I mean in the mind, and I dont mind them at all, I dont really act like a manly man, and I get hysteria when Im taken as a girl.
I think and usually state too, that I have totally accepted my feminine side, and I kind of feel like both man and woman but I am unable to accept feminine traits such as breasts and female voice, female name, being treated as a female at all.
I'm attracted to men, and I am bottom as I mentioned otherwise, and I like being taken and treated as a man, tho I'm not really manly, and I guess its very hard for people to decide what am I when they look at me because I totally look in between the two genders.

I'm pretty sure I'm not all alone with this feeling but I ve found that this is not too common amongst transsexuals.
Whats your opinion?


PS.: Im sure I forgot something, I'll add it later.

[Kitty_Babe]

I suppose its similar to 'Lady Boys' etc, that look like girls, have breasts and all, but are totally fine with their male genitals ? Your probably the reverse of this. I am not sure putting a Transsexual label on this is the right idea, you are who you ARE.

[caliyr]

...you are who you ARE.

Yes indeed, you are right. But since I feel like changing some things on my body, like chest surgery and hormones, I think I belong to the transsexual category in a way, don't I?

I realized I happen to be the odd one out everywhere, and I'm very content like this. So no prob!

[chefskenzie]

A friend of mine is in a similar situation and he is transitioning FTM - but identifies as a Gay Male.  What is important is what YOU feel you are, and how YOU identify yourself.

[Wraith]

Actually you don't sound like an odd one out at all. Spend time on this forum and you'll see there are quite a bit of feminine FTM's, some of which are even fine with having vaginas and using them.
It's just that some elitist parts of the trans community are quite loud and would like you to not realize that it is perfectly fine to be trans and still keep your birth assigned parts or not even go on hormones.
I say, if you feel that you are a guy, then you are, all the frilly femininity in the whole world doesn't matter.

You sound like you're doing what makes you feel most comfortable, and that's all that matters, so keep on doing what you're doing

[justmeinoz]

Your story doesn't sound at all unusual.  There have been quite a few from both sides who could identify with what you have described.   Gender and Sexuality are two totally different things, so It sounds like you you are FtM and gay.  I am MtF and lesbian, not all that uncommon either.

Main thing is don't do yourself any damage, because it could muck up your chest for future surgery.  Much easier to work on a clean sheet.

Oh, and have fun young feller!

Karen.