i have a problem with what could be called being deathly critical of myself, and always needing to have control over all the small things. i initially thought that transitioning and living fulltime as female would be my saving grace, but it turns out, not really. i still struggle with anxiety, more so because of high estrogen levels. i still am critical and always go through in my head that i'm not good enough unless i have control, or that if i let go, i would be like everyone else in a sense, which is what i really fear. i constantly think of how female i am being in various situations. i can rarely just let go and be in the present moment, as if my gender was always a test. the thing is, i pass like no ones business. i really shouldn't even have to worry about it, because it is there, but i still feel like i need something more??? there's people on here who actually do have trouble passing, and i'm not one of them, but i'm obsessed with being convincingly female at all times and keeping my identity and values in check as if someone is testing me 24/7 and anything in life will actually turn out better just for knowing i am who i want to be and feeling better off. i do have aspergers, so it is hard for me to not get so neurotic about my small areas of interest. i definately blow things out of proportion, and i wish i could just live completely fluid and intuitively understand that i'm on the right path, but it's a struggle for me. any help?
* weirdly, the harder i try, the more of a struggle it is to be who i really desire to be. the less i try, it comes relatively easy, and second natured, but i seem to think i will get something more out of it. i have what you could call a very naive enthusiasm.
