sibling sexual abuse..

[ImSoLost]

i never talk about this because i'm so ashamed. i have yet to tell my therapist even though it is what holds me back the absolute most in my transition. i was sexually abused by my older brother. he is only a few years older. it started sometime in elementary and ended i think by/in sixth grade. penetration was never possible but i do remember him trying. mostly a lot of touching. i block most of it out. i worry this may be causing some of my gender confusion, i don't know why it would, but i can't help but think it could be. i'm strictly into women, though i did chase boys in my youth. i learned girls could like girls in seventh grade then struggled with my feelings until coming out in college. it wasn't until a few years later when i started dressing super butch that i started to question my gender. does anyone else, especially FAAB people, have any input for me on this difficult subject? thank you.

[Jam]

I would like to help you with this but I don't think I'm the right person.
Personally I think you should discuss it with your therapist. If it is indeed
The cause of your gender confusion then you really need to
Sort that out before doing anything permanent.

I hope your ok, I can't imagine what that would be like.

[peky]

What happen to you was truly awful, and you did not deserve it. Above all it was not your fault at all, you do not have to bear any shame, but yet that is the way you feel.

I would not be surprised if you also feel anger, and depression, and other negative feelings. As the victim you have the right to have all these and other feelings.

Please do tell your therapist, he/she should be able to unravel what happened, help you grieve, and then find a way to reclaim yourself.

OO

[ImSoLost]

i don't think about what happened much. it doesn't torture me. you could say i have a normal relationship with my brother, but we don't really talk much. mostly because we have nothing in common. i am resentful that he has his life together after being a total douche in his youth, though. i still don't know how to tell my therapist. it's embarrassing. i know it's important, but i just don't know how. i want to transition so badly, and not being who i really am has me turning up the drug use. just another ->-bleeped-<-ing statistic over here.. i'm scared to tell my therapist i'm using a harder drug now too. i want to quit it so badly but can't seem to shake it right now, i don't know what to do.

[Felix]

My brother did this to my sister, and my best friend did this to my kid. My sister is pretty functional, married, educated, professional, basically okay. My kid has had to work through a lot of heavy and wrong ideas about sex, her own self-worth, and grownups in general.

Stuff happens, man. It didn't make you trans. When my kid went through what she did an amazing number of people came out of the woodwork to tell me how it happened to them. People you'd never suspect. I was really struck by how common it is. I'm sorry you got hurt too.

Try to hang on and don't make dropping your drug habit a do or die situation. Cut yourself some slack and try to figure out who you are and who you want to be.

- btw this is private stuff but I'm keeping it in public forums because I think it might be useful to OP or others. I may delete it later.

[Cindy]

So sorry to hear that terrible crime.

It is something to talk with your therapist about but it may not be anything that triggered your TG .

I was gang raped at a young age (16) when presenting as female. It didn't trigger my TG I was presenting as female after all, and I was 'living' as a male due to my birth defect. After talking through it with my therapist we came to the conclusion that being raped has put me off having sex with guys, but my sexual preference is still with guys.

I'm know interested in guys again and feel comfortable with them again. So talking through this has been a big positive for me.

I hope it is for you as well

Hugs

Cindy

[Kyyn]

I was 6 when I was kidnapped, locked in a dark room and raped.

I'm sure that's the reason I'm terrified of the dark.

And I'm sure that's NOT the reason I'm trans. I haven't started seeing a therapist yet, but I understand - I don't want to tell one about that and have them try to make links.

It's cruel for them to say your whole life is based around one horrible incident - when that just doesn't have to be true!

[Michelle G]

When I was 12 I was invited to spend the night at a girls house so we could work on homework projects, this was a very "religous" family and since I was a boy they made me sleep in her older brothers room in a sleeping bag on the floor...he had always been nice to me and had given me model car and plane kits over a few months when I would visit.
well, In the middle of the night i woke up to him pulling my pants down and playing with me, I was 12 for gawds sake and didnt even know about such things yet...on top of that I was confused enough about my boy parts not belonging to me anyway...I just "played dead" and didnt move while he played and played away, in the morning I got up and left without saying a word at all!!
To this day I am leary of religous people and 45 years later it still haunts me a bit, the best I can do is see that other kids dont have to endure the same thing.

I was confused enough...how dare he!!!!

thanks for listening, it helped to put this in writing to understanding friends

[ImSoLost]

thank you so much everyone for sharing. i know it's difficult. my mother brings up the fact that this happened to me plus the fact that i was raped my sophomore year of college. it was in my own bed by a friend of a friend who i allowed to sleep on my floor while i slept in my bed with a gay male friend of mine. sometime after i passed out he started the guy on the floor got into my bed and started doing things with me. i had gotten so drunk that night that i had no idea what was going on, i thought i was having a weird dream. my friend who was in the bed with me didn't know what was happening either, he thought i was consenting or something so he left me there and i was apparently raped. i woke up the next morning to the guy trying to put his dick in my ass. i sprung out of bed and into the shower freaked the ->-bleeped-<- out. then i told my roommate and my ex and their partners who were in the next room and they kicked the guy out. i never pressed charges or saw the guy again. my mom is convinced i'm gender confused because of these two things. i think my brother took advantage of the fact that i had no friends and would do anything to spend time with my big brothers or their friends, even ask to play the "special game" or do sexual things with their friends. i'm disgusted by the things i did when i was young.

[Felix]

One of the biggest problems with childhood sexual abuse victims is the illusion of consent. A child doesn't know the world, doesn't understand what's okay and what isn't if his/her elders don't do the teaching. When older kids or grownups teach the wrong things you can't blame yourself for having gone along with it.

My daughter thought the guy had permission, and also he told her if she didn't cooperate she wouldn't get to play with his pet kitten. He gave her attention when I was working long hours and the babysitter I'd actually hired had passed her along to him, since he was willing to watch her for free. It was all kept quiet and I had no idea. My kid is haunted now by how much she did "willingly." I hear that too from adult friends who went through it as kids.

All that said, I struggle myself with the fact that I didn't keep my daughter or my little sister safe when I said I could. Understanding it's not your fault is easier said than done.