Suppression of Her

[Ashley_C]

Was anyone else scared when you began to let her out?

For 31 years I've suppressed her and kept her hidden down below. Now, as I take steps to not only free her but become her, why am I so scared?

The other day in the car, I spoke. briefly, in her voice and it was a bit scary. It was almost ethereal, like it was not even coming from me. Now, I keep wanting to but I can't muster the courage.

I think I'm afraid if I really let her out, I'll never get her back inside and I'm not yet ready for that. Has anyone felt like this at one time or another?

[peky]

In my case there was no suppression rather I had to assume a role; but like you as time went on it become hard and harder to carry on with the role.

I reached a point, and could not go on, so I drop the charade and decided to go 24/7 that is pre everything. It was sort of easy as I had the support of my children, employers, and I was not very masculine looking to begin with.

Abandoning the role, or "releasing her," in your parlance, was so liberating.

[pretty]

I'm confused a little by what you mean by "her". Don't you mean you? Why the 3rd person references?

All you have to do is just be yourself. 

[Ashley_C]

Abandoning the role, or "releasing her," in your parlance, was so liberating.

I have no doubt about that. I couldn't even muster the courage to bring her out with my therapist yet even though I had every intention of it going in.

I'm sure at some point in the near future it will happen. I have noticed sleight changes in the way I've been talking so that's something I guess.

[Ashley_C]

I'm confused a little by what you mean by "her". Don't you mean you? Why the 3rd person references?

All you have to do is just be yourself. 

Yes, I think I was just trying to be poetic.

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

Whenever my GID would raise its ugly head, I called it the demon.  I tried to drive off all those feelings.  And it lead me to try suicide several time.

Finally I gave in to the real me.

[kelly_aus]

I've come to realise that the older I got, the more he, she and me were all the same.. It's kinda like I gave up trying to 'man up' somewhere along the line...

[Stephe]

I think I'm afraid if I really let her out, I'll never get her back inside and I'm not yet ready for that.

There is no "her" unless you truly have DID/MPD whatever people are calling multiple personality disorder now. And it doesn't sound like you are being poetic to me. You seem to feel this is "someone else" you are fighting for control of you body or something. You aren't "letting her out" it's just you being yourself or who you want to be.

Yes early on I felt a bit like this (which totally creeped me out) but quickly realized it's me not two different people, not a him and her sharing the same body. You seriously need to work on realizing there is no "her" and "him" nor should you give them different names etc. It's just you..

[RachelH]

For the poetic terms I will stay in the third person like you describe it, because that is how I also felt at the beginning.  But as Stephe says there is just you!

It becomes so much easier the more of "her" you let out.  I couldn't and still can't let her out fully.  But now there is more or her in how I behave then the fake him she was trying to play!

Be patient, you sound like you need small steps to reach your goal rather than one huge leap.  My biggest realisation was when I had to pretend fully to be a guy again when I started my new job.  The pressure built to the point where I exploded again and I finally told everyone.  As everyone on here says it's an amazing release, and you start to think that there is no other way, and honestly you reach the point of no return where you know you will make it happen!

Hold in there Rach, you will see how the true girl in you will make her way to the surface and you will be so happy to never have to hide behind a male persona again!

[Ashley_C]

I do understand that she is me and it is not two different people. It just feels like it.

I have not dressed in feminine clothes. I present to everyone as straight male. Outside of this board and my GT, I have never talked about my feelings and desires.

[RachelH]

You are already making the first steps.  When you have settled with what you have decided you will feel ready to tell others, because you will feel that the people you care about need to know the real you.  This is not a race, and people get there at completely different speeds.  It has taken me a year from starting to been open about who I am.  Others do it very rapidly.  Take your time and do it right.

[Beth Andrea]

I do understand that she is me and it is not two different people. It just feels like it.

I have not dressed in feminine clothes. I present to everyone as straight male. Outside of this board and my GT, I have never talked about my feelings and desires.

I've felt like that before, and talked of "the others" (including "myself") in the 3rd person all the time. I have DID, and realizing I was trans helped much/most of the symptoms.

"Everyone" inside (including the male who presented as the "real" me) agrees that Beth needs to be the one outside. I understand the separation of selves; it's my opinion that we (those of us with multiple aspects of "self") present those aspects only as needed, and to relinquish final authority from the old self ("male") to the new self ("female") is a daunting prospect, so caution is advised.

Yes, they are both the same person, just different aspects/emotional centers. You'll have to learn how to "let go" of your male self so that he doesn't dominate the body. It's easier to do than explaining it (kinda like riding a bike).

[Naturally Blonde]

I don't understand this thread?

[Ashley_C]

You are already making the first steps.  When you have settled with what you have decided you will feel ready to tell others, because you will feel that the people you care about need to know the real you.  This is not a race, and people get there at completely different speeds.  It has taken me a year from starting to been open about who I am.  Others do it very rapidly.  Take your time and do it right.

In some ways I want to get it done and over with already, on the other hand, I know I have to take my time and do this right. This board is a great help in getting things off my chest (since there's no bra there yet  ) and getting my questions answered by girls who have already lived it.

[Naturally Blonde]

In some ways I want to get it done and over with already, on the other hand, I know I have to take my time and do this right. This board is a great help in getting things off my chest (since there's no bra there yet  ) and getting my questions answered by girls who have already lived it.

I am not two people or ever tried to be two people. I am me and always have been one entity. I've never tried to suppress my femininity.

[Beth Andrea]

I am not two people or ever tried to be two people. I am me and always have been one entity.

Some people are; some aren't. "Entity", just like "personality", is too strong independent of a word to describe the energy centers that exist in some people.

(btw, 2 years ago I'd have said I was "one mind" and was disturbed by the thought that some people have "multiple personalities"...)

[Stephe]

I am not two people or ever tried to be two people. I am me and always have been one entity. I've never tried to suppress my femininity.

I agree and feel it is VERY dangerous and mentally unhealthy to split yourself into different "people" as a way of dealing with this or anything else for that matter. I highly doubt any therapist would suggest someone do this.

[Stephanie_b]

Was anyone else scared when you began to let her out?

For 31 years I've suppressed her and kept her hidden down below. Now, as I take steps to not only free her but become her, why am I so scared?

The other day in the car, I spoke. briefly, in her voice and it was a bit scary. It was almost ethereal, like it was not even coming from me. Now, I keep wanting to but I can't muster the courage.

I think I'm afraid if I really let her out, I'll never get her back inside and I'm not yet ready for that. Has anyone felt like this at one time or another?

I have always supressed my femininity, but have always just been one person only.  When you're transsexual, just remember this:  there is no "he," never was.  There is only a she there that has been either ignored, suppressed or barried under the facade of a male. 
I really hope I'm not like way off with this, because that is precisely the way I feel about it, personnaly.

[Ashley_C]

I doubt they would, too.

Let me see if I can reword my question, adding a little background.

I've presented as straight male my whole life. I've never really dressed, never wore make up, never told anyone about my feelings.

Now I am at the point where I am ready to start being my true self and presenting her to the world. After suppressing my feelings for so long, it's kind of scary to be letting them out now, even by myself in my car.

Has anyone else found it difficult to go from suppressing these feelings for years to letting them out?

I guess I'm a little afraid that it will be like Pandora's Box and once I let them out, I won't be able to hold them in and I'm not prepared to show the world just yet.

[Naturally Blonde]

I have always supressed my femininity, but have always just been one person only.  When you're transsexual, just remember this:  there is no "he," never was.  There is only a she there that has been either ignored, suppressed or barried under the facade of a male. 
I really hope I'm not like way off with this, because that is precisely the way I feel about it, personnaly.

I understand we have all come to this point from different experiences but I didn't hide under a facade of a male and never really wanted or tried to be that way. I was never seriously excepted as a male when I was younger. As I grew older I tried to be even more feminine. and tried to avoid male conditioning.