Baby step, but a step

[Kristin]

I came out to my therapist this week. Before that point, the only person I'd told was my wife.

This isn't a gender therapist, just my regular run-of-the-mill therapist, who I'd seen for a while. I stopped last spring, largely because the work issues I'd started seeing him for had moved into the background because of some personnel changes. But it was about that time that this latest round of gender questioning began, leading me to be fairly certain that I need to find a way to live my life as a woman.

I'd had an appointment two weeks ago...that came and went without me managing to get it out (even when there were obvious openings, like when we walked into his office and he mentioned my long hair--in a ponytail that day--and made a comment about "you really look like a musician now")...

I think priority one is trying to keep the wheels on my work life and not let that fall apart. I'm not sure I'm ready yet for gender to be the focus of my work. (It's probably a higher priority than I am ready to admit to myself yet, though.)

But it was an interesting experience. And leaving his office, there was a really weird numbness. Largely an "I did this." When I called my wife from the parking lot, I told her I might find a place to get lunch and journal before coming home. But I filled up the gas tank of the car, and realized I'd relaxed a fair bit.

As the weekend has gone on, I keep wanting to tell some other people. Not the whole world. Most of the people I think about telling are people that I can trust very well. One or two of the people are definitely a bad idea right now. And I have that annoying person who I think would be perfect to share with...except that I have little confidence in her ability to keep from spreading my news to others who have known me. So she's definitely out of the question until I'm ready to be open.

But it's hard, because I don't want to be "in your face," but I also don't want to feel like I'm living a lie. And hiding something that's become so important to my thoughts and feelings is tiring and stressful.

Sigh. I just wish I could flip a switch and make it happen without worrying about my job and my extended family.

[Tristan]

Way to go. It is a step

[jeri1973]

way to go.  I was just like you in that the 2nd person to find out was my therapist as well.  Hang on because you might be on your way to an exciting ride.  I have now told several people and will begin HRT in just a couple of weeks.  I really feel very comfortable being the real me now and each time I meet with my GT I am getting closer and closer to going full time!

[chefskenzie]

So happy for you!  The more people you tell that you can trust the more you feel as though a huge weight has been lifted off of you.

[Constance]

The coming out process is not easy. Well, it wasn't easy for me. Small steps are still steps taken.

Congratulations. You're starting. 

[Hikari]

Congrats if you were anything like me it was actually harder to tell people after i first came our to those very close to me. A step is a step regardless of how big of a step it is, I say always celebrate the small victories.

[Kristin]

Thanks, everybody!

I can tell I've got some "giddiness" of relief that it went well. Some urge to "just get it over with," which I'll try to hold back on.

I think the time is coming to tell my boss. Mainly because of the line of work we're in. I'm a little undecided, because I know the risk there. But a) I trust my boss, and b) I don't see a good way to be Kristin instead of [male legal name] without including work in that. Fortunately, I know that the next few weeks are insane at work, so I can rule out an immediate coming out to him. And take the time I need to figure out how I feel about telling him. And figure out the worst-case scenario and if I'm ready to face it, if that's the result.

But my brain is turning into a pumpkin, so I'll sign off now for the night! Thank you, all, for your support!

[gennee]

Congratulations, Openhart. The first step is the hardest but it gets easier as time goes on. If you feel comfortable sharing with a particular person then go ahead.

[Kristin]

Less enthusastic after this therapy session.

My therapist seemed to be trying to convince me that I'm a man...it felt more like he was trying to pull me to see things his way than to help me discover myself.

I think telling him was a big mistake. Not because he was nasty about it (he wasn't), but because he just doesn't have either the experience or understanding to help me right now. And I'm not knowledgeable enough to do the educating.

I've had therapy appointments where I've felt I didn't gain anything from them (and often found benefit days after the session). But this one? I just felt like we rehashed stuff I'd thought about months before and did nothing that felt helpful. The questions were all wrong. His big lead is always how expensive surgery is. And just dripping with the assumption that genitals (whether in birth form or surgically corrected) are paramount in terms of gender.

Sigh. Fortunately, I'm managing not to "lose it" without the support I expected. And going back to some "Plan B" ideas of trying to figure out whether to trust how I feel.

[maya]

Well, don't take my advice, because we Eastern Europeans don't believe in therapy anyway, so there might be some bias there , but nobody understands you better than yourself. Specialists can sometimes be hopelessly bad at what they're doing.

[Kristin]

And. I fired my therapist.

Great person, but gender's not their specialty, and it showed. I seemed to bump into all sorts of biases and prejudices last session, and I could feel my "walls" going up to protect myself from the session that was supposed to help me.

I still think I need to see somebody, but I don't think this therapist is the one, now that my gender questioning is on the table.

[Constance]

If you have to put up defenses with a therapist, then that person is definitely the wrong therapist. I hope things work out for you soon.

[Kristin]

If you have to put up defenses with a therapist, then that person is definitely the wrong therapist. I hope things work out for you soon.

Exactly! I think I held off on doing it that day because (a) I wanted to make sure I wasn't overreacting and (b) because I wanted to give one more chance. But I couldn't imagine what would change to want me to go back there next week.

Not really sure where I'll find somebody else...but one step at a time.