trying so hard not to cuss here.

[Felix]

A friend of mine just got shot. There are cops everywhere and the streets in front of the building are crimetaped. I'm close to homelessness, no clue where I'm going. My kid is a violently autistic and traumatized mess. I'm a traumatized mess. My computer is dying, and it's my only real link to the world. I hate it. My family doesn't love me. I don't know what to do. The rich people in my neighborhood treat me like I'm up to no good when I'm doing nothing wrong. People everywhere blame me for my kid's behavior and give me advice and criticism all the time. I get made fun of for using food stamps for not-always-healthy foods, and I get asked if I've considered how selfish it is to transition while having a kid who's been molested. I get dirty looks for taking food bank boxes while not looking homeless. I can't win. I have nobody, and I can't pay off PGE or Comcast or TMobile or my surgeon or whoever owns whatever building I'm moving to. Much less Sallie Mae or the Multnomah County court system. I can pick somebody to make installments with, but not all of them. My kid's dentist said basically her face would look crazy and rot from the inside if we don't either pull a few teeth or get braces, but he won't anesthetize the kid for the pulling and she won't acquiesce to the procedure and I sure as hell can't cover braces.

Everybody keeps getting hurt, keeps dying, and things just get worse and worse. I can't give my daughter a good childhood. I can't even give her a yard to play in. It's too hard. I'm angry and there's no one to be angry at. I don't have any reason to get up every day except for a very instinctual refusal to stay down. It has to stop. I hate people. We're not nice.

[Sephirah]

I'm really sorry to hear everything you're going through, Felix, and wish so much that there was something I could do, or say, to make it easier for you.

For what it's worth, I would so give you a big hug for real if I could, and tell you that not everyone in the world is horrible, there are those who care about you even though you've never met them. Whatever strength I have inside me, I would willingly send to you and you're not alone in this world, no matter how much it may feel like it.

I hope with all my heart that things somehow get better for you. You seem like a genuinely decent person, with a wonderfully bubbly personality and unique outlook on things. You don't deserve to feel this way, no one does.

Hang in there, hon, even if for no other reason than the world would be a poorer place without you in it, in my opinion. *big hug*

[Arch]

Oh, my friend...I wish I could offer you more than just an occasional understanding ear. I can't rely on my family, either. I've come close to homelessness, and it was scary as hell--but I was never actually homeless. And I've never had to be responsible for a child, much less a child with special needs.

Have you fully investigated services for low-income folks in your area? Are you on welfare, do you qualify? Do you have an LGBT center to lean on? There's got to be something. You mentioned a food bank and food stamps...what about health care options?

Have you no friends or relatives who can offer support?

[Keaira]

Felix dear, I'm sorry you are having so many issues. I wish I could help more. Here in Indiana we have some help.  Have you tried contacting section 8? The local trustee's office? or the housing authority? you have a special needs child so you would jump up the list to get housing. Also, there is no shame in using food stamps. I was on them for almost 10 years.
There are government agencies in place to help, they just dont seem to like to share.

*hugs*
Be strong Felix, I have no doubt that you will make it though these tough times.

[Felix]

None of my friends are good anyway. They aren't real friends. This guy was mean to my kid because he didn't like her hanging around the courtyard while he and his friends smoked weed. He didn't seem to realize that nobody cared, that smoking a joint is really not something my kid or anybody else was bothered by.

He got shot over a drug deal though. The guy ripped him off, he chased after him yelling, the guy shot him and ran off. It's stupid. Stupid thing to get shot for, stupid thing to risk getting shot for. His unemployment ran out though and so this thing he did on the side became his main thing, and it's just stupid magnified.

A person just came over and stayed like an hour and I couldn't make him leave because he's sensitive and this just seemed the wrong time to tell him to screw off. I acted fine, totally in control, happy, loving my respite time.

The car chases and noise are just now calming down. I'm tired. I wish I was allowed to be unhappy. If I could just be a little less than perfect now and then I'd be fine. I'd be okay.

[Felix]

Thanks Sephirah. I'm...well it's very good to read these responses. Arch yes I'm on welfare, and Keaira yes I'm on section 8/housing authority waitlists. Quite a few. None less than a year and a half current estimated wait time though, and those places have their own share of problems. 30% of income, which is great, but full of lots of rough people and rarely in close-in neighborhoods. I am familiar with the various social services that are available and I do utilize them. I don't qualify for help with PGE without imminent shutoff, and I can't risk that. My kid would get taken in a heartbeat if I didn't keep the power on. I don't qualify for help with most agencies simply because nobody does. The recession killed it all and there wasn't much to begin with.

They expect you to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and I want to do that. It just needs to stop being crazy for a little while.

[justmeinoz]

Big virtual hug Felix.  You are certainly doing it tough, and the lousy Social Services in the uS don't help.  Rant away all you like mate, we are a good sounding board.  Someone closer may be able to suggest something more concrete.

I have a very dear friend in a similar situation, chronic illnesses, child with issues, and a lousy Housing Dept that won't get off their backsides to move them out of the damp, unhealthy dump they are in.   Sort of Oxygen thieves that abound everywhere.

Thinking of you and your child.

Karen.

[King Malachite]

I wish I could make your life easier Felix -hugs-

I remember one time you said on a thread, "If I keep working at it it will resolve itself."  I think you will somehow get out of this especially being a man of logic and science.  Just do whatever you have to do to get by for now.  We believe in you. 

[Constance]

I wish we didn't live so far apart, Felix. Posting things like {{{{{HUGS}}}}} seems so ineffective at times.

I, too, wish I could do more than be "here" in cyberspace for you.

I wish you the best.

[Tamaki]

Hang in there Felix. You've been in my thoughts lately. I just wish I had or knew of more resources to help but sadly I don't.

Message me if there's anything I can do to help.

Hannah

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

Felix.  I am sorry that you are in bad straights.  Not knowing where you live, but have you thought of moving?  Yeah, I understand the money thing.  I am surprised that Multnomah County has not mentioned get financial help through the county. ( a.k.a. Welfare).

If I had room I would put you up.  But I live in a small trailer out in east county.  If you need an ear, drop me a PM.

Hugs to you and your daughter.

[smittyFTM]

Ah dude I'm so sorry. ->-bleeped-<- ->-bleeped-<- ->-bleeped-<-. Multnomah--so Portland? I would have thought Portland would have better resources though I've been away from PDX for a long time. Stay strong Felix... HUGS

[Amazon D]

I use to live in hillsboro so i know the area. Can't you move to an area that is not so populated. Or can't you share a place with another who has an autistic child? I would share if i were in your situation. Trying to do it all alone is not very smart in my opinion. Not sure what else to say. hugs

[Felix]

Oh, my friend...I wish I could offer you more than just an occasional understanding ear. I can't rely on my family, either. I've come close to homelessness, and it was scary as hell--but I was never actually homeless. And I've never had to be responsible for a child, much less a child with special needs.

Have you fully investigated services for low-income folks in your area? Are you on welfare, do you qualify? Do you have an LGBT center to lean on? There's got to be something. You mentioned a food bank and food stamps...what about health care options?

Have you no friends or relatives who can offer support?

I don't have relatives, and people have tried to be friends but in late 07 I rather suddenly stopped allowing anyone to be friends with me in any way that allowed them access to my kid. She's too trusting and apparently so am I.

I do spend time at the Q Center, and I love them. I also use SMYRC even though I'm too old. I have medicaid (OHP here) and that's miraculous and I love it. People help me here and there to get other things I need.

I'm applying for SSI, but on the basis of the nightmares and stuff I have, and every time they ask me much about what I've been through I back away and let the appeal lapse. I need to just get a lawyer and let them handle it. It's really not fair that by the time I get it it will be because I'm finally healthy and functional enough to talk about what made me so scared and broken for so long. SSI is screwed up. I knew a completely blind guy who got rejected twice. I know another guy who got approved after he died. Indigents are worthless and useless, and they don't let us forget it.

When I've been homeless Leah's always been alright. If we can't couch-surf or voucher into a hotel or get into a shelter then I hold her and let her sleep. We can do that anywhere.

Arch your ear is excellent. You're a good guy. And everybody else you friends are nice and I'm just slow to say so sometimes.

[Felix]

I use to live in hillsboro so i know the area. Can't you move to an area that is not so populated. Or can't you share a place with another who has an autistic child? I would share if i were in your situation. Trying to do it all alone is not very smart in my opinion. Not sure what else to say. hugs

I would be really scared all the time if I lived in an area less populated. I need street lights, noise, and witnesses. The first real love or safety I remember feeling was in abandoned buildings in close-in 9th ward in new orleans. I'm twitchier in empty places.

I can't find another with an autistic child. I am trying to throw in my lot with an ex. He's as neurotic as I am, he knows my kid, he has steady income, and we know each others' history. I've tried and tried and tried for many months and nobody looking for roommates or renting studios is willing to accept a transguy single parent with bad credit, low income, and a sketchy background. I have no job and I come from Alabama. People are frequently surprised that I'm not on meth. Anybody who's been to Alabama knows that meth is not a typical problem there, but people can only work with the ideas they already have. It's messy.

[driven]

Ok, I'm gonna say this again and then I swear I'll try to stop being so damn pushy...

Let me help you. I'm not just talking out my ass here. I can actually help you get out of the rut you're in. I know you're broken and beaten down right now and don't want to deal with any new stuff, but you're a smart guy and there are people who will pay for the things you can do. Dicking around with SSI will just keep you stuck in the same place you are now.

[luna nyan]

*hugs*
I have a friend who has an autistic child as well, and am more than aware of their special needs.
It sounds like you are trying so hard to carry so much of a load all by yourself, it must be exhausting - I hope you can find some assistance to help you get on your feet.

[K Style Addiction]

Felix, i'm so sorry i don't think i can say anything to make you feel better but i offer a virtual hug .

[Felix]

Thanks everybody. Virtual hugs are great. Driven I'll PM you.

[driven]

Ok, cool. Sorry I kinda flipped out on you there. It was late and your posts were just breaking my heart. You deserve way better than this.