Transitioning v.s. Reality

King Malachite · April 08, 2012, 09:49:03 PM

I feel so trapped in this point of my life. I want to transition so badly. I want to just hop on the nearest bus and move out of state to transition right NOW. I hate the part of S.C. I am in where there are no resources or LBGT support groups. I am SO isolated. As much as I just want to rough it out like a pioneer and transition I just cannot. I am still in college with about a year or so left so and I can't just up and leave. Besides that I know that if I left right now that the world would tear me apart piece by piece because I am not ready yet financially or otherwise.

My plan is to graduate college and get a job and just work there for about 3-5 years while doing NOTHING but saving. I would save for a car first and then top surgery and Mansculpture with Dr. Garramone so I wouldn't have to worry about it later while having 30-40 grand for basic needs until I can get in my feet again and save up for the rest. I am already saving up pennies for it and this is a logical plan. I want to be equipped when I enter the real world.

Back to my problems though, I get more dysphoric every time it's that time of the month. Sometimes it tears me up inside to see other guys and ladie's progress as I know it will be a long time before I can even see a gender therapist. Please don't mistake me for not being happy for them because I really am but I want some of that happiness they have too. It makes me more emotional and want to cry even commit suicide at times but ironically dying is too expensive these days so I'm just stuck. I feel that my will to succeed in transitioning is weakening every day and that my goal is so much farther than I expected. I try to be strong and help other people but I feel like a fraud for doing so.

I so badly wish I had physical people nearby to discuss my problems with. My dad and sister does not support my transition and my mom pretty much knows but if I officially told her she would probably cut off the internet saying that I'm on it too much and it's corrupting my mind when this is my only link to keeping my sanity intact. No one around me wishes to understand because it would conflict with their "religious beliefs" and I can give them evidence after evidence of this stuff being legit but they would never budge. There is a 99 percent chance that I will just transition alone with no support for anyone. I envy the people who have total support from their families or partners. It must be a great feeling.

I know I should seek professional help for my thoughts of suicide but that's not going to happen. We don't have the money for that and besides it would just go right back to me being trans and outing myself to the rest of my family which will wind up bad. I know there's a slim chance they may end up accepting me initially so I'm not going to test that.

I can't get transitioning off my mind and I hate when the world sees me as female. I could buy guys clothing but that is money I could be saving up to start my journey.

I know some may say since I am adult I need to get out there and do it now because at my age they were already established but in this day in age I want to make sure I'm somewhat calculated before I step foot out there. I may still be in my 20's living with my mom but there are people in their 30's 40's and on up still living with their parents.

I know there's a light at the tunnel but it's so far far away that I can barely see it.

I'm just emotionally drained with very little to no will to fight. That may be a good thing. Maybe if I just have an emotional suicide then I will just be out of it so much to just care.

I really hate this cage that I feel like I am in.

driven · April 08, 2012, 10:16:51 PM

Hmm...my first thought is that your timeframe of 3-5 years after college is waaaay too long. From everything you've posted, your home situation is religious and unsupportive and SC sucks for trans services, so if I were you, my first priority would be to get the hell out of there.

Can you get any type of part-time job during this next year while you're finishing school? You'd only need to save a few thousand bucks to move out immediately upon graduating, then you can look for a full-time job in your field in the new state. You're going to have to look for a new job once you get your degree anyway. Seems like it would be just as easy to do that somewhere else as it would to stay in SC.

And you can't know for sure that you'll be alone and have no support forever. Once you get out in the workplace, you'll start meeting all kinds of different people. I don't know how to say this without sounding like a condescending old man, but 20 isn't quite real life yet. It gets so much better once you're out of school and away from your parents. Don't give up before you even get started.

Constance · April 08, 2012, 10:32:00 PM

Liam brings up a good point about money spent on guy's clothing being part of the journey.

That's how I started. Well, buying girl's clothing, but you get the idea. And, I started at second-hand stores to keep costs down. Yard sales are a good idea, too.

I used to write a shopping list so that if I was questioned I could say I was shopping for a female relative.

Also, I started a spreadsheet to keep track of everything I'd spent on my transition. And, at least until before I went full time, I included clothing purchases as part of the cost. Because it is part of the journey. Perhaps it's a small part, but it's part.

King Malachite · April 08, 2012, 10:51:35 PM

Quote from: driven on April 08, 2012, 10:16:51 PM
Hmm...my first thought is that your timeframe of 3-5 years after college is waaaay too long. From everything you've posted, your home situation is religious and unsupportive and SC sucks for trans services, so if I were you, my first priority would be to get the hell out of there.

Can you get any type of part-time job during this next year while you're finishing school? You'd only need to save a few thousand bucks to move out immediately upon graduating, then you can look for a full-time job in your field in the new state. You're going to have to look for a new job once you get your degree anyway. Seems like it would be just as easy to do that somewhere else as it would to stay in SC.

And you can't know for sure that you'll be alone and have no support forever. Once you get out in the workplace, you'll start meeting all kinds of different people. I don't know how to say this without sounding like a condescending old man, but 20 isn't quite real life yet. It gets so much better once you're out of school and away from your parents. Don't give up before you even get started.

Yeah I know its way too long but I'm also factoring in the possibility of being unable to find a job since for a lot of people times are tough in the states at least along with a few other factors. Like as soon as I move out I want to jump right into seeing a therapist etc and if I happen to get top surgery before finding a job then I would like to know that I have the money to keep me until I recover. I'm well aware that 20 isn't real life and who knows maybe I will have support but I'm just preparing for the worst.

@Liam and Connie I've had guys clothing before in the past and I liked it but since then the clothings are now more gender neutral. When I get a job I will definately be doing more of a switch to male clothing but for now since I'm literally scrapping for pennies I just have to make due with what I have.

bballshorty · April 09, 2012, 01:55:33 AM

You're not alone bro. I'm feeling the exact same thing right now. Does your college offer co-op experiences? It's where you can do some work related to your field while also being in college, and if you do a good job the employer usually offers to hire you after you graduate.

Whenever I lose the will to keep going on, I force myself to remember what my mentor told me to do: "take all the frustration, anger, and desperation you feel and use it to fuel and motivate you."

Jamie D · April 09, 2012, 02:25:10 AM

Quote from: Malachite on April 08, 2012, 09:49:03 PM
Back to my problems though, I get more dysphoric every time it's that time of the month.

Try Lybrel or Seasonale

Felix · April 09, 2012, 04:29:56 AM

Quote from: Connie Anne on April 08, 2012, 10:32:00 PM
I used to write a shopping list so that if I was questioned I could say I was shopping for a female relative.

This is clever. I might try something like this next time I browse through the sports bras.

Malachite I'm a little confused about your plan. You should definitely finish college and that's smart. I don't see why not buy men's clothes though, or borrow them or something. And why not go get indigent mental health services? It wouldn't be specifically gender counseling, but lots of people even who have money can't find gender counselors.

Idk man. You do have support though. I'm sorry we can't be there in person.

justmeinoz · April 09, 2012, 07:35:06 AM

Reality sucks, but it's all we have, so best to give it a good shake. Maybe you can get into a guy mindset where you don't give a stuff about things so much. T is likely to do that to you, so you might as well get used to it.

On the practical side, I have found some of my favourite clothes in Opportunity Shops. Even if you just spend $2 a week you can get a pretty impressive wardrobe together for only a few bucks. Seeing as it is older it will look like you have been wearing it for ages too. If you can pick up a leather jacket for instance, it can last 20 years so is a real bargain.

I know things are looking pretty crappy at the moment, but it won't be long until you are a Graduate. Keep your eye on the ball and you will do ok.

Karen.

King Malachite · April 10, 2012, 04:07:38 PM

Quote from: Malachite on April 08, 2012, 09:49:03 PM
I feel so trapped in this point of my life. I want to transition so badly. I want to just hop on the nearest bus and move out of state to transition right NOW. I hate the part of S.C. I am in where there are no resources or LBGT support groups. I am SO isolated. As much as I just want to rough it out like a pioneer and transition I just cannot. I am still in college with about a year or so left so and I can't just up and leave. Besides that I know that if I left right now that the world would tear me apart piece by piece because I am not ready yet financially or otherwise.

My plan is to graduate college and get a job and just work there for about 3-5 years while doing NOTHING but saving. I would save for a car first and then top surgery and Mansculpture with Dr. Garramone so I wouldn't have to worry about it later while having 30-40 grand for basic needs until I can get in my feet again and save up for the rest. I am already saving up pennies for it and this is a logical plan. I want to be equipped when I enter the real world.

Back to my problems though, I get more dysphoric every time it's that time of the month. Sometimes it tears me up inside to see other guys and ladie's progress as I know it will be a long time before I can even see a gender therapist. Please don't mistake me for not being happy for them because I really am but I want some of that happiness they have too. It makes me more emotional and want to cry even commit suicide at times but ironically dying is too expensive these days so I'm just stuck. I feel that my will to succeed in transitioning is weakening every day and that my goal is so much farther than I expected. I try to be strong and help other people but I feel like a fraud for doing so.

I so badly wish I had physical people nearby to discuss my problems with. My dad and sister does not support my transition and my mom pretty much knows but if I officially told her she would probably cut off the internet saying that I'm on it too much and it's corrupting my mind when this is my only link to keeping my sanity intact. No one around me wishes to understand because it would conflict with their "religious beliefs" and I can give them evidence after evidence of this stuff being legit but they would never budge. There is a 99 percent chance that I will just transition alone with no support for anyone. I envy the people who have total support from their families or partners. It must be a great feeling.

I know I should seek professional help for my thoughts of suicide but that's not going to happen. We don't have the money for that and besides it would just go right back to me being trans and outing myself to the rest of my family which will wind up bad. I know there's a slim chance they may end up accepting me initially so I'm not going to test that.

I can't get transitioning off my mind and I hate when the world sees me as female. I could buy guys clothing but that is money I could be saving up to start my journey.

I know some may say since I am adult I need to get out there and do it now because at my age they were already established but in this day in age I want to make sure I'm somewhat calculated before I step foot out there. I may still be in my 20's living with my mom but there are people in their 30's 40's and on up still living with their parents.

I know there's a light at the tunnel but it's so far far away that I can barely see it.

I'm just emotionally drained with very little to no will to fight. That may be a good thing. Maybe if I just have an emotional suicide then I will just be out of it so much to just care.

I really hate this cage that I feel like I am in.

I forgot that I had already replied to Driven, Connie and Liam when I wrote the bottom part but I'm too lazy to backspace so here is the more updated version I guess lol

@Driven Today I've actually emailed the head of our financial aid officer about a work study program that I may be eligeble to do that pays so hopefully I can get more information about that in the future. As far as time I will be saving for I'm factoring in increased prices in the future. Plus when immediately when I move I will be searching for a gender therapist and once I'm done with therapy I will be plan to have my top surgery done. I want to make sure I'm financially secure enough to be able to have rest time without trying to worry about missing work. I figure with a good 40 grand that could last for my basic needs until then. Mind you I plan on living very frugally. During that time I will also get my name and other stuff changed. In a nutshell I guess I am trying to say that I want to save now so I can get all of that stuff out of the way in the future so I won't have to go through so much red tape at a job. Stop me if I just lost you. I tend to do that.

@Liam and Connie I've dressed more male in the past but most of my clothes now are just gender neutral. Perhaps my mom and I could go shopping during the next school years from some clothes and I can express that I want more male clothing and slowly come out to her like that. I tried looking into our school's counseling services but can't find anything quite yet.

@bballshorty If you mean internship then I will be doing one next month hopefully. I really wish I could get motivated again.

@Jamie D as much as I want to the thought of putting things in my body to stop blood flow concerns me on top of my other health problems so it's probably best that I let it flow naturally.

@ Felix thanks for the support bro. 🙂 I know my plan is confusing and that is just the condensed version. I should map out the full one in the just for us section but people may need a scientist to understand it.

@justmeinoz That's the exact mindset I need to get into. At first I was nonchalant about everything with a "whatever" attitude but after seeing other people going through this and being happy and know that if they can do it then I probably can too that's when my reality started to come crashing down on me. Perhaps I need to trick myself and continue to be nonchalant until the time where I can actually do something about it.

driven · April 11, 2012, 10:22:01 AM

Quote from: Malachite on April 10, 2012, 04:07:38 PM
@Driven Today I've actually emailed the head of our financial aid officer about a work study program that I may be eligeble to do that pays so hopefully I can get more information about that in the future. As far as time I will be saving for I'm factoring in increased prices in the future. Plus when immediately when I move I will be searching for a gender therapist and once I'm done with therapy I will be plan to have my top surgery done. I want to make sure I'm financially secure enough to be able to have rest time without trying to worry about missing work. I figure with a good 40 grand that could last for my basic needs until then. Mind you I plan on living very frugally. During that time I will also get my name and other stuff changed. In a nutshell I guess I am trying to say that I want to save now so I can get all of that stuff out of the way in the future so I won't have to go through so much red tape at a job. Stop me if I just lost you. I tend to do that.

Nah, you didn't lose me. Your plan does look good, as long as you can handle living at home long enough to save that much. I was only concerned because your OP said you were already feeling suicidal and wanted to emotionally numb yourself to survive.

Hikari · April 11, 2012, 10:37:39 AM

I was in Gaffney yesterday and i saw a guy walking down the street with no shirt on and a f***ing swasticka tattooed on his chest...after seeing that my advice is that if you find a way out of south carolina take advantage of it. I wish I had better advice for you.

Constance · April 11, 2012, 11:10:20 AM

Quote from: Hikari on April 11, 2012, 10:37:39 AM
I was in Gaffney yesterday and i saw a guy walking down the street with no shirt on and a f***ing swasticka tattooed on his chest.

Ye gods, that's scary!

King Malachite · April 11, 2012, 01:46:29 PM

Quote from: driven on April 11, 2012, 10:22:01 AM
Nah, you didn't lose me. Your plan does look good, as long as you can handle living at home long enough to save that much. I was only concerned because your OP said you were already feeling suicidal and wanted to emotionally numb yourself to survive.

Hopefully I will be able to make it. Like I said in the post dying is too expensive nowadays and suicide isn't covered by insurance so I try to use that as my motivator at times.

@Hikari I was in a bargains food store where there were pieces of paper taped to the shelves that said something along the lines of "abortionists, sodomites, and homosexuals will not enter the kingdom of heaven" It was a Christian store so I know the manager had put it out there. I also saw a guy there with the flag schutzstaffel symbols tattooed on his arm.

Constance · April 11, 2012, 01:54:03 PM

Quote from: Malachite on April 11, 2012, 01:46:29 PM
Like I said in the post dying is too expensive nowadays and suicide isn't covered by insurance so I try to use that as my motivator at times.

I know that feel, bro.

Felix · April 14, 2012, 05:03:57 AM

Jesus Christ guys, what is it with thinking dying costs money? It does, but not more than does a broken arm or dental work or meningitis or anything else that's going to happen. Your existence is not an abstraction.

Constance · April 14, 2012, 01:01:59 PM

It would cost money to get my remains created and interred/scattered. Then, there's also the outstanding debt that my ex-wife and I have. If I had killed myself, she would not have had access to the life insurance policy to help with those costs.

At least, that's what I was getting at.

Felix · April 15, 2012, 01:06:21 AM

Quote from: Connie Anne on April 14, 2012, 01:01:59 PM
It would cost money to get my remains created and interred/scattered. Then, there's also the outstanding debt that my ex-wife and I have. If I had killed myself, she would not have had access to the life insurance policy to help with those costs.

At least, that's what I was getting at.

Ah, okay. Insurance isn't something I tend to take into account. I've seen a lot of people go out in unheralded ways and it really is a lot cheaper than most healthcare, but life insurance is another matter.

Dana_H · April 15, 2012, 02:17:43 AM

Quote from: Connie Anne on April 08, 2012, 10:32:00 PM
I used to write a shopping list so that if I was questioned I could say I was shopping for a female relative.

I do this, too. I include sizes and a few colors as well. Since I'm married and wear a ring, I just say I'm shopping for my wife. Sometimes, that can even elicit fashion advice from a helpful clerk. Of course, test fitting garments is still problematic, but most places I shop will make a straight trade for the same item in a different size if it doesn't fit as long as you have a receipt and the item is still in restockable condition (i.e. not soiled or visibly worn, still has all tags attached, etc.). Christmastime is great because so many people really are buying gifts for spouses/SOs that the clerks aren't even fazed by it and are too busy to really give a darn.

I do look forward to being able to present as my proper self and browse more openly and leisurely, but until then... 😉

tekla · April 19, 2012, 07:10:04 AM

Anytime you think reality and the 'real world' is out there somewhere - over the rainbow and all - it's going to seem like it's a long way off. You say you want to want to be totally ready for it, but no one ever is, and that's part of the fun. (Though a huge part of college was the whole 'living on your own part' and you'll have to play catch-up with that.) But in my experience having a huge list of 'once I get all my ducks in a line' stuff is only a way to delay it.

Timing wise you'll never find a better time to pick it up and move it on than the day you graduate college.

Felix · April 21, 2012, 02:31:53 AM

I don't really talk to them, but I have people in Atlanta, Birmingham, Chattanooga, and Frankfort. I feel like i should come up with an excuse to visit somebody so we could swing by SC and say hi. Small towns in the south are rough.