surprise dysphoria attacks

[Felix]

I've been surprised and derailed a couple times lately by intense dysphoria that I didn't see coming. It's confusing. Before transition I never cared what I looked like, and very carefully avoided mirrors so I could imagine myself how I wished. Now that I'm transitioning, I do look in the mirror. I've been really enjoying transition and I'm usually happy with what I see. But sometimes I feel like I look wrong.

This morning I caught my arms in the mirror, and despite a scar here and there and some darkening of the hair, they looked skinny and soft and pale. It hit me too hard. It's warm out but I immediately started trying on different shirts, and even started thinking my shoes looked wrong and my hat was stupid...wth I'm normally fine.

This happened sometime last week when I couldn't find the tight sports shirt thing I'd been binding with. I had no idea how dependent I am on these little things. I turned my house upside down looking for it, came close to just locking the door and staying home.

Maybe it's just stress, but it's weird and startling to get bowled over by stray observations. My passing usually has a lot more to do with how I act than how I dress anyway, so I know I'm not being rational about it.

I guess too it's easy to forget that I'm trans when there's other things on my mind. Then it sneaks up on me.

[Amazon D]

You sure have a male voice thats for sure 

[Felix]

You sure have a male voice thats for sure 

Thank you! That helps.

[Jamie D]

You write like a guy, too.

[justmeinoz]

You look fine to me lad. 
I still get slight attacks, especially if I catch a view of myself in the mirror getting out of the shower.  I  just turn away, and try not to look in the wall mirror until after I have shaved using a small mirror as this seems to help. Putting on mascara and eyeliner straight away helps too.
After that I am okay, and can go and get dressed and face the world.

Do you have a favourite thing you can keep handy for emergencies like this?

[mm]

Showering is definitely a bad time for me seeing and washing those chest mounds.  I get something on to cover them immediately, I like my binder best, but I have a sports bra that does an ok job too.   Then once a month I get my shark attack and can feel cramps in my lower parts for about a day and a half, which a constant reminder that I have those extra parts, that is a real bad time for me.

[Peppy]

I forget about it a lot too. It's kind of bizarre because it's something I feel is a major part of who I am, but then you just get so busy! And then when you finally get a moments rest and time to think for yourself dysphoria plows through your joy and relaxation like a big frowny freight train.

The most intense dysphoria I've ever had was the result of starting my period at school without having anything to combat it. It's like on top of feeling horribly uncomfortable you feel like other people know too. Dysphoria is absolutely no fun and I'm sorry it's been bumming you lately. <: (

Oh, and for the record, I think you're pretty damn hansom and a really nice person. : )

[Felix]

Thanks guys.

Do you have a favourite thing you can keep handy for emergencies like this?

What seems to help me the most is to do pushups or lift weights. For when I'm in public I have one of those squeezy handgrip things, which is portable and doesn't look as douchey as walking around with a kettlebell would. It's a tad silly, but using my muscles makes me feel like I'm still in the driver's seat instead of just getting kicked around by life.

[Dana_H]

Thanks guys.
What seems to help me the most is to do pushups or lift weights. For when I'm in public I have one of those squeezy handgrip things, which is portable and doesn't look as douchey as walking around with a kettlebell would. It's a tad silly, but using my muscles makes me feel like I'm still in the driver's seat instead of just getting kicked around by life.

That sounds like T combined with the fight-or-flight instinct. During times of anxiety, fear, or anger, the body readies itself to attack, defend, or run away. One of the manifestations of this (in women also but in men especially) is an urge to flex the muscles. Possibly this is some sort of evolutionary muscular warm-up. I dunno.

Exercise of any sort during such a time can be very cathartic. A former male roommate of mine used to keep a punching bag in the back room and go at it furiously when he was feeling tense. I don't have such a strong reaction; I just tend to get really fidgety and start chewing my cuticles (a bad habit I really need to break). A friend of mine paces (a lot) when she's feeling tense. It manifests differently for everyone and everyone has a different way of coping with it.

It seems to me, based solely on anecdotal evidence, that the muscular urge seems to get stronger under the influence of T (for example, angry men seem to punch holes in walls more often than angry women in my experience), but I have no hard data to back that up.

As long as your coping mechanism doesn't become destructive or threatening to others, I'd consider it a sign of your body settling into its masculine role. If squeezing a handgrip helps you feel more in control, that seems like a pretty healthy way to deal.