I can barely think right now....
I had FFS 9 days ago in Boston. I'm not supposed to decide whether to jump off a cliff for another three months. I posted about this a while ago... the post is probably still on here.
At 9 days I've already decided that this is a nightmare. I should have never had FFS. I wasn't ready to transition. I wanted to be James still too much. There are warning signs all along the way.
I never effectively communicated to the surgeon what I wanted. I made the terrible choice of not being aggressive enough in the pre-op meeting to go through the long list of thoughts I had for the doctor. I failed to explain to him fully what I wanted.
This doctor I went to is considered one of the best in the country. He believes he is the best.
What I have is what people call "buyer's remorse." It's one thing when you go out and spend $100 on an outfit that you wound up hating.
Getting a completely new face is another kind of remorse. This is much more serious than anything I've ever done and it has potentially deadly consequences.
I was the wrong candidate for FFS from the very start. I hadn't gone through any proper planning. I simply had the money to do it and I rushed it through with reckless abandon. One procedure that I already don't like, a lip lift, was $4,000 dollars and yet I just added it on as if I was at a grocery store checkout line and I was simply tossing People on top of my groceries... It was done just like that, without any thought of how it would really look.
It seems that I wanted a much more subtle, conservative approach than I thought I wanted.
This experience has been so excruciatingly painful, they tell you "Oh its not painful" but oh it is, you get to the 3rd day and you feel as if 5 days has gone by and you can't believe time is going by so slowly. This is a WRETCHING experience to go through, and you're supposed to be relieved by the initial glances at what you look like. Clearly I am the opposite- I'm mortified at the outcome.
People are telling me not to pull the panic button just yet but its hard not to. I've fully realized this was a mistake.
I had no transition plan. My whole transition has been started up and shut down many times through the years. There was never a concrete plan of how to go forward.
When you have FFS, the goal is to make you instantly pass. My face is said to now be so feminine that I can't pass as James anymore and that terrifies me. I hadn't wanted to pass right away. Even right up until the very end before the opreation, I was under the impression that this was going to create a slightly more feminine looking James, and not this dramatic of a change.
I would instantly reverse it in a heartbeat if I could. I look at my face and see a face that's going to have to need massive amounts of contouring to get it to look somewhat acceptable. It's long, lean, narrow, my jaw is gone (!), my chin's still long, my face shape has been entirely changed which has caused me to panic because its a face that i do not recognize as my own.... its supposed to get better, you're supposed to see more of your old self come back, and James couldn't come back fast enough....
I already mourn the loss of a brother. I loved him and I loved his face. He was beautiful. Why oh God did I have to do this to him? Yeah he wasnt perfect, and he had some very masculine features... but most people didnt think so, people said he was a man with beautiful feminine features- they said he was pretty, i got so many compliments.... why did I have to obsess like this and want to change everything? Why couldn't I have understood that I was so blessed?
Why is it now that after all this has happened, that now I finally realize what i had? You never know how much you love someone until they're gone.
This is a lesson to all of us.... Our male faces are beautiful.... we don't have to lose ourselves to become women.... Many transgender women never get FFS and are very happy..... FFS is not a requirement, its not something you should ever feel forced into or that you have to do in order to pass... there are alternatives....
and for gods sakes when you love your face, for the most part, when you look at yourself in the mirror and like it, DON'T CHANGE IT.... so what? We all have some feature we hate, Transgender women are often misled into thinking just because they have a masculine feature or two that means they can never pass... its simply not true.... We don't have to change EVERYTHING about our faces to be happy.
I was someone that weeks ago hated everything about myself - i hated my nose, for example. Today I am desperate to see my old nose, im panicking because my old nose is gone... I feel as if i've lost myself, my identity, my ethnicity... I said i wanted it to happen, i wished it would happen, i actually said that i hated my italian nose.... but oh GOD how much i miss it....
This operation is supposed to give someone confidence to move forward and step outside and be who they are, but for me its a death sentence... TOO MUCH was changed, my old face, even with its semi-masculine features, was a million times better than this new one....
because I am not ready to transition, not reayd to go outside as a woman, and i had this FFS done, now im in a terrible place - i go outside and God knows what people see now. I've lost all control of my identity .... all I wanted was for James to look a little more feminine (and i thought he looked feminine already), all i wanted was to have better balance, a wider face - and what did i got? an unbalanced, lean, unhealthy, narrow, face.... I allowed them to take away my jaw which I loved, and to give me something thats not even right for my body.... ad
so i guess ill wait and then post again. This will be a series of posts about FFS and the consequences of doing it when its not planned right or when you're not ready for it... . I was so self-conscious and so insecure about myself, and I went to surgery to try and change that... and i wasn't even thinking it through, i wasn't clear-minded when i did this.... it was all a terrible mistake. i Have NO IDEA what im going to do now.
