Why am i still breathing?

[K Style Addiction]

I feel like the whole world is trying to get at me sometimes, i may or may not have been dumped, i feel ugly and all i want to do everyday is just sleep to make the pain of living go away. I feel so lonely, everyday it's the same routine, it seems like people are irritated by me and can't stand me. I have no clue anymore where my life is headed, i have very low self esteem and i feel like the world is using me as it's punching bag sometimes. I feel like i'm not wanted anywhere i go, AAAAHHH! I just needed to vent out somewhere please don't be too harsh on me 

P.S - I know i've been told not to post so much here but i really needed to vent out, it's past 12 where i live and i can't even blink 

[Constance]

I never used to understand why people would be become intoxicated to be numb. Until last May, when I did not want to be. At all.

If I had owned a gun, I would not be here typing this now. I would probably have died before the end of June.

Many times since then, I've wondered why in Dante's nine hells I was still alive. I figured the only use I had left in life was to help my ex-wife eliminate our shared debt. Twenty-four years of intentional committed relationship ended somewhat abruptly, to me, and not at all on my terms.

It can be difficult to hear "It gets better." And, there are times when it could get worse before it gets better. Continuing to breathe gives us the chance to go forward and see what happens. I had given up on hope a short time ago. I went forward with curiosity instead. Now, I have some hope again.

Hang in there, Donna.

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

[Felix]

Low self esteem can create self-fulfilling prophecies. Be careful.

[K Style Addiction]

Low self esteem can create self-fulfilling prophecies. Be careful.

I hate to sound stupid but i don't understand.

[Amazon D]

I hate to sound stupid but i don't understand.

don't think negatively about yourself..

the more you think or say something the more you will believe it..

say positives things to yourself..

remember your very very young.. get a life first the relationships will happen later..

[Jeneva]

Low self esteem can create self-fulfilling prophecies. Be careful.

I hate to sound stupid but i don't understand.

Felix means that if you think you con't then you can't.  If you tell yourself that no one could ever be your friend then you will subconsciously sabotage any friends to drive them away.  If you believe that you can't pass course X then you will fail it for sure.

If you feel unwanted then you start using hostile body language and words that make people WANT you to go away.

None of us can make you feel better until you understand that you have to start with yourself.

That is why the "It gets better" slogan is so powerful.  It is meant to burst through the self doubt and make you admit it can get better.

[Bexi]

Felix means that if you think you con't then you can't.  If you tell yourself that no one could ever be your friend then you will subconsciously sabotage any friends to drive them away.  If you believe that you can't pass course X then you will fail it for sure.

If you feel unwanted then you start using hostile body language and words that make people WANT you to go away.

None of us can make you feel better until you understand that you have to start with yourself.

That is why the "It gets better" slogan is so powerful.  It is meant to burst through the self doubt and make you admit it can get better.

I really empathize with this 100%. In my first ever post, I mentioned a brief history of myself including being slightly disfigured after getting in a fight with a bunch of scumbags. It took me a few months to realise it, but I ended up severely depressed and vengeful bordering on suicidal. I still felt I was the same happy-go-lucky, self confident person I had been but instead I was totally different.

Things kept getting darker and less promising - i'd rarely go out during the day time for fear of people staring (even though my scar isnt bad but in my head I unconsciously exaggerated it). Eventually two simple things helped:

1) I realised that I didnt want the actions of one night, by a gang of f****** f****** define both who I was and who am I. I didnt want to give them the satisfaction

2)  A girl smiled at me. Something so seemingly simple and inconsequential but that one small event has had untold repercussions on my self esteem, confidence and hope. I literally could not tell you how i felt - as if a golden beacon had suddenly went off inside my chest! Lol I was gonna ask her for her number (at the time I was still male and didnt come to accept my trans intentions) but chickened out lol!

So sorry for rambling on, but its not all doom and gloom. Theres brighter things just around the corner, over the hill. Life is full of both good and bad, its how we react to them that defines us You're a beautiful young woman and shouldnt feel bad at all

X

[Bexi]

*Looks up*

->-bleeped-<-ing hell that was a ramble-and-a-half hehe! 

[K Style Addiction]

Thanks girls & boy, i feel better after a nap. I got drunk yesterday and now that my head is clearer i think i crashed hard...really hard, your words are definitely an eye opener, my mom has been telling me that a lot recently. Have you guys any suggestions for getting higher esteem and believing things will work?

[Felix]

Thanks girls & boy, i feel better after a nap. I got drunk yesterday and now that my head is clearer i think i crashed hard...really hard, your words are definitely an eye opener, my mom has been telling me that a lot recently. Have you guys any suggestions for getting higher esteem and believing things will work?

Picture yourself as who you'd like to be. "Pretend" you are the person you wish you were by acting the part. When I'm having a hard time and feeling irredeemable and vicious I go out of my way to smile at people and be nice even if I don't feel it. They usually return the smile and then I do feel it. When I'm exhausted and think I can't go forward or care anymore, I imagine myself stronger and often the imagery is enough to give me a scaffold.

If you want a skill set you can play like you have the skill already, and at least you'll be in the right context and getting practice.

Just ideas though. We all hang on in different ways. And all that I mentioned mainly works (for me) with pretty straightforward emotions and fears.

[Stephe]

Thanks girls & boy, i feel better after a nap. I got drunk yesterday and now that my head is clearer i think i crashed hard...really hard, your words are definitely an eye opener, my mom has been telling me that a lot recently. Have you guys any suggestions for getting higher esteem and believing things will work?

Stop saying "I am ugly", several dozen people have assured you that isn't true. Stop saying "I am fat", you aren't even close.

Also having a negative attitude WILL make people not want to be around you. I have a couple of friends who lately have gotten a very negative attitude about everything, I now avoid them. I refuse to allow negative people to be around me, it's toxic. So consider if I don't want someone negative even around me because it's toxic to my life, imagine what being negative does to your own life!

Be happy you are a pretty girl who has figured out you are trans at an early age. Be proud you have the guts to tell people and be who you know you are! That took a LOT of guts, give yourself some credit for that! Like this other poster said, just smile at people and be happy. It will reflect back to you. And like others said, just believe things are fine and think about people who have MUCH worse problems than us, homeless and starving, people who have health problems and are in pain all the time etc etc. I am VERY grateful I am healthy and not in pain every day. I know things can seem tough but honestly this whole gender thing is only a big deal if you make it one!

The other thing I did was get involved in things that help other people in need. It -brings me up- knowing I am helping other people. Most everyone has some free time they can volunteer for something rather than watch TV etc. Plus you can be yourself and see how people really don't care if you're trans, especially if you're doing things to help other people.

Just some ideas on how to build self confidence but I can't stress strongly enough how important having self confidence is.

[Bexi]

Also cut back on the alcohol! Having a clear and sober head is MUCH better than an illogical and melancholy drunk one 

[Sephirah]

Picture yourself as who you'd like to be. "Pretend" you are the person you wish you were by acting the part.

This. You'd be surprised how effective it can be.

Low self esteem makes you a sponge for negative comments, you absorb them far more easily than you otherwise would, and it also makes you supersensitive to everything said by anyone. If you already believe you're worthless, or clumsy, or ugly, or whatever it may be... your mind is on the lookout for every possible tidbit of information to make that seem a reality to you.

The key word in "self-esteem"  is "self". It's something you have to do for yourself. Other people can give you confidence, but only you can give yourself self-esteem. It means you hold yourself in high regard.

As Felix says (very wise fellow btw), people react differently to you depending on how you comport yourself. If someone's having a bad day, for example, then knowing that you have a low opinion of yourself makes it easier for them to cut you with their words or attitude. Some folks like seeing others miserable in order to make themselves feel better. But by acting like it's all water off a duck's back, and that what once would have bothered you now has no effect, then it won't have the same effect for them, either, and they'll look for people whose buttons they can push.

By the same token, acting more outgoing towards people, rather than withdrawn and scared of what they're going to think or say... well, just try it a few times, even if you don't feel it, and notice the difference in the overall atmosphere. I think you'll be mildly surprised. And when people seem more at ease with you, you'll find that you come out of your shell more and your confidence level starts to build naturally with each time.

"Well I did it before and it went better than I thought, I can do this. I'm not as bad as I think I am!"

Visualisation (sort of imagining things) is a key practice in many therapeutic practices for exactly that reason. The mind is very, very powerful.

[Amazon D]

Also cut back on the alcohol! Having a clear and sober head is MUCH better than an illogical and melancholy drunk one 

so true.. alcohol is a depressant and really pretty destructive nless one uses it medicinally

[Carolina1983]

First off you are not ugly at all  . So stop saying that to yourself.


And second do not dring because you are feeling down or depressed, it only makes things worse and in worst case you will make a mess of your life. I do know that it may feel better at the time when you are drinking but you are just pulling yourself deeper down in that hole.


You look good and a girl like you should not have any problems to find and keep friends . But you need to stop thinking that nobody wants to be your friend because of the reasons mentioned earlier here.


I hope that you will feel better soon.

Hugs

/E

[Lavender]

Everything has been said by now, but I thought I would share the first step that lead me from have 0 confidence to thinking I am fabulous as hell.
Start doubting what you tell yourself, and start believing what your loved ones tell you.

I remember the first "Huh, I may not be that stupid or useless as I think." I thought inside my head. It may have been just a moment in a quiet place, closed off from the world, but it was a beginning to something extraordinary.

This... may be rude and harsh, but it is also true; people will not tolerate your low esteem spells for very long, you become a burden and an annoyance to them. I cannot say that they are wrong for that. We all breakdown and think all sorts of things about ourselves at times, of course.

[Stephe]

so true.. alcohol is a depressant and really pretty destructive nless one uses it medicinally

+++ on this. Drinking ruins move lives than almost anything you can do to yourself. If you drink enough where you feel bad the next day, you are drinking too much.

[Felix]

+++ on this. Drinking ruins move lives than almost anything you can do to yourself. If you drink enough where you feel bad the next day, you are drinking too much.

This is a good rule of thumb. Be very aware of alcohol as the drug that it is. I like to drink, and I'm pro-drugs and I think they should be legal and regulated, but alcohol is powerful stuff. Keep an eye on yourself.

[justmeinoz]

Why am I still breathing?

Time to face life's harsh realities, girl.

It's simple really.  Your diaphragm goes up and down and replaces the used air in your lungs with fresh.  This is because your body is programmed to live.  As your body, including your brain are carrying your consciousness around quite adequately, and it is arguably the most complex thing in the entire Universe, why not go along for the ride?

The Buddha said that with our minds we create the world, and Satre' said our consciousness extracts it's own meaning from the world around us.

I would suggest just accepting responsibility for every one of your actions, no matter how small, and refusing to make excuses is a good starting point if you want to take control of your own life.  Either that or you will, like most people, continue to be a "buffeted consciousness" with little say in what happens in your life.
You have already taken possibly the hardest decision anyone can in their life by deciding to transition, and  appear to have accepted responsibility for this act and all it's consequences, so why not keep going? 
In comparison to that , anything else from now on really is easier.

Karen.
   

[JoanneB]

A very dear friend of mine repeated a quote to me as we were discussing how between my fears and self esteem lower than the belly of a pregnant snail paralyzes me at best. More often sends me into an emotional death spiral of eating and drinking to excess

"Argue for your limitations and sure enough they're yours" - Richard Bach 

A lot has changed in my life since that night