I just really need to vent my thoughts and feelings to someone right now. I'm sort of having a crisis, both from general pressure from studying at university (not doing so well atm) and difficulties with my situation as FtM and not having many close friends to talk about this.
It has been 5 months since I realized that I'm trans and by now I have settled in the sense that I'm FtM. I've recently had my first meeting with a gender therapist, who confirmed that I was in the right place. I also came out to my parents and siblings some moths earlier, it wasn't planned but I felt like I had to since my older sibling came out to us as transsexual MtF, who hadn't told me but I recently before had sort of figured it out. I felt it was right to come out as an support for her, and my family were very accepting as expected. The only doubts I have are my mother, who is still very friendly and knew before about my sister, but it feels like she still grieve the loss of her "little girl" (me).
My family is the least of my problems. It's rather the sense of feeling so lonely in this and the future with my boyfriend. I'm terrified to tell friends and coming out in general, even though some might expect it since I got my hair cut the way I want and dare to dress more masculine. It even made me start crying at the first meeting, just thinking about coming out when the gender therapist asked me. I don't have any close friends where I live now (apart from my incredible boyfriend, getting to that later), I just sort of lose touch with people. I have friends who I can chat about things at school and friends from my free time activities (student theater, technician and playing in the orchestra), but I never talk about personal stuff and don't have people to just hang out with and take a coffee or something. I'm just really bad at talking about myself, I was always the one to rather talk and solve other's problems. I've got problems with my self-esteem socially for a long time, but it has gotten better and now a bit worse.
Since I had to move for my studies, I've lost touch with the few friends I would call close. I'm thinking of messaging one of them about this, I might soon but it's hard. I'm not in a healthy state mentally, sometimes I'm fine but the pressure is really getting to me. I fear I might enter a depression, but these last months has mainly been filled with anxiety. I will bring this up with my gender therapist the next meeting.
Apart from fears of coming out, my situation is just making me sad. I feel hopeful in the steps I've made to accepting myself as man, to see the variety of trans men, the possibilities and that it's OK to take different choices regarding transition and so on. My chest dysphoria and general dysphoria of having a female face and voice is worse than ever. But what really gets to me, on top of all this, is the situation with my boyfriend.
To go from a state where we're almost planning to get married after being together for 5 years, dreaming of being together when we're old and having a house and being parents in the future, and go to a state where we don't know if we will be able to stay together. It's horrible. We love each other deeply. We cried last night together, again. He can't see himself together with an old man, and frankly I'm having a hard time seeing myself as one. Maybe I'll just go straight from being man to an old lady, strangely
. I don't know.
Anyway, my boyfriend feels like he is very much heterosexual. For now, we have talked several times, and said that we can't do anything apart from waiting and see how it goes. He says that he don't want to be a reason for me to stop any progress in this, but the uncertainties in the future is heavy on him. That I'm a bit of a burden since my mental health has worsen isn't helping either, but he gives an enormous amount of support to me. I support him as well when he's down. We have such good times together, even if there's anxieties. I think he has gotten a better understanding in this, he's OK with me packing which I do sometimes at home when I feel like.
It just feels so hopeless sometimes. I love him, but to know that he might not be able to continue the relationship when(/if) my body changes and I appear male, to not be able to be intimate anymore, and basically to lose him, it's the worst. Because that's how I imagine it would be. I so bad at keeping friendships and probably wouldn't be able to handle him being together with another. We would lose touch. He says that he can't see himself with anyone else, but I believe that eventually both him and me would be alright. But I don't want that.
If anybody wonders I'm quite certain that I'm gay (in the sense that I'm attracted to men). I even identified with homosexual men long before I realized I was trans (I just sort of accepted it and didn't think to hard about it). To me, my love to my boyfriend is gay. He was also my first relationship, and same goes for him. We met when I was 16 and he 17. I generally have a hard time imagining myself in the future, but the "blankness" is gradually becoming some sort of picture of myself. I'm starting to think I might want a long term plan, to wait with physical transition until after children and such. But I'm not ready for having kids, I'm not even entirely sure I would cope being pregnant. I want and need to study many years more before having family, since I have a dream of working in research. I definitely want to get rid of my chest as soon as possible, and I don't know if I would cope not having HRT and still be out as trans. Just so many thoughts, and it's difficult.
I just need to reach out and talk to someone. I feel so bad, but I would never do myself harm, just so you know. I feel that I have gotten glimpses of insight to why one might consider that route, but I'm sure that I wouldn't let it get to that point. I realize that I'm lucky in many ways, but it's still hard. Thank you for reading.
