Aunty Cindy's Agony Column

[V M]

Dear Aunty Cindy

I'm feeling a bit bothered by somebody, should I knock him sideways? *Sigh* Also me bum itches rather often, is there a cure for that?

Johannesburg Fria

[Jamie D]

neither you serve methylated spirits

That will make you go blind

[Jamie D]

Dear Aunty Cindy

I'm feeling a bit bothered by somebody, should I knock him sideways? *Sigh* Also me bum itches rather often, is there a cure for that?

Johannesburg Fria

Scratch it ...

demurely.

Franky, I'd rather be knocked sideways than knocked up.

[Cindy]

Dear Aunty Cindy. 

It appears I have become addicted to deep fried Mars bars.  How can I overcome this?

Fat in Tassie.

Dear Fat Tassie,

I'm glad to see you admitting your weight problem. I think a regular  good tucking would help in that respect it uses calories.

The easiest way to overcome your addiction is to deep fry your Mars Bar at the bottom of the pan, under at least 12 inches of boiling oil. Dunk you face in an eat when boiling. Doing this several times may generate a negative response.

Damn, sorry forgot you are a Tasmanian. Cut your arms and legs off and go for a swim in the sea, preferably with an anchor around your neck.

BTW you now owe me $2000 for my free advice, pay up soon or I will use your legs to break cricket bats.

Hugs Love and Have  Wonderful day

Aunty C

[Cindy]

Dear Auntie Cindy,

Do you serve a red or white wine with "Whitchery Grub Pizza"?

Dear Jamie have no problems any one answering advice not condoned by Aunty C will be given free open heart surgery. I was in fact going to offer to help. I have lubed the chainsaw and flushed the hose pipe stent. Now, your payment options. Upfront and cash.

Hugs and Kisses Darling

Aunty C

[Jamie D]

Dear Jamie have no problems any one answering advice not condoned by Aunty C will be given free open heart surgery. I was in fact going to offer to help. I have lubed the chainsaw and flushed the hose pipe stent. Now, your payment options. Upfront and cash.

Hugs and Kisses Darling

Aunty C

Outback shamanism!!

... and they said healthcare in America was bad!!

[Cindy]

Dear Aunty Cindy

I'm feeling a bit bothered by somebody, should I knock him sideways? *Sigh* Also me bum itches rather often, is there a cure for that?

Johannesburg Fria

The best approach to the itch is to stick a steel pad up your your bum and to realise this is a monthly event. This is quite normal for TG idiots. Oh don't use it for cleaning the dishes afterwards. Clean the dishes first. Waste not want not.

Hugs and best wishes
Aunty C

[kelly_aus]

Dear Aunt Cindy,

I have a man-shaped stain in my heart.. How do I remove it? Can I bleach it out, or should I try drinking my body weight in Coopers Sparkling? Or would sparkling white be a better option for that?

Hugs,
Torn or Kelly - I'm still not sure..

I still have this issue.. Any advice?

[Cindy]

Outback shamanism!!

... and they said healthcare in America was bad!!

Dear Jamie,

Your health care plan has been reviewed by your insurance company and Cindy Surgical Pty Ltd.  We are pleased to offer you a new plan based on our competitive rates and our concern for you health. We have neither but is sounds good. The chainsaw was being lubed, sharpening is extra, see the print in section  92. 2 .13. It's quite clear, and we have reviewed the terminology by a lawyer who once worked for us. We are happy to be up front and friendly, to prevent any complaints.

Know what was your problem?

Hugs and Happy hacking

Aunty C.

[kelly_aus]

Dear Aunt Cindy,

Please solve my previous issue for me in a pithy and vaguely humorous manner or I will be forced to both brand you with the 'Slacker' iron and have you flogged..

Hugs,
Torn Kelly

[Cindy]

Dear Kelly,
I feel great sympathy for you, Yawn.  I had meant to reply to your pleading post but The Voice came on the telly and I had to puke at the rat->-bleeped-<- idiots who go on such shows. So I forgot you, easily done of course.

To overcome your grief you need to take up some positive positions. Kneeling  naked  on all fours in Hindley Street may be a useful addition to your income. Wearing a large paper bag over your head will double the income, It did for me.
With your experience you could apply for the debating part of master  shefff, this may give you satisfaction.

BTW aren't you related to that Tasmanian retard who pretends to be French, you and I know her French studies are well focussed, she is a cunning linguist.


Hugs and Love

Aunty C

[kelly_aus]

Dear Aunt Cindy,

After reading your recent response I am unable to refrain from laughing hysterically.. Should I just roll with it or should I stick something in my mouth?

Hugs,
Kelly

[Cindy]

Dear Kelly,

I'm told that something thick and tube like feels pleasant in the mouth. This was the basis of cucumber sandwiches. Ideal for a polite afternoon snack to help you keep coming for the evening, strike; of course polite has no concept for you darling.  Never fear there is a Fire Station in Angas Street where you may be able to practice cleaning out tubes. I was amazed by the variety.


Hugs
Aunty C,

Must potter off to church, seemingly the bishop is going to play the organ. How cute.

[V M]

Dear Aunty Cindy

I live in a fairly large apt. complex. I have a TV and an electronic keyboard in my apt. But for some reason I like to go out to the lobby of the apt.s and play the out of tune piano there and then watch the lobby TV rather loudly

While I do these activities I stick my fingers in my ears, pick my nose, pick at my skin that is starting to look like a staff infection, bite my finger nails and wipe my hands on the furniture

Some of the other tenants seem to be a bit disturbed by this. One lady in particular named Virginia won't touch anything or sit on any of the furniture. She also tells me I'm disgusting and my parents never taught me anything

How do I deal with such a bitch?

             Nose picker Pruit

[Cindy]

Dear Nose Picker,

I hadn't realise that a boogy had learned to write. You are obviously something that crept out of a latrine, please crawl back.

Hugs and Love

Aunty C

[kelly_aus]

Dear Aunt Cindy,

It seems that after I slept with a guy he's decided that he's gay.. Is it something I did? Or is he just one of those typical, undecided guys who has no idea?

If it helps, my 99% accurate gaydar would indicate that he's mistaken.. 

Hugs,
Kelly

[Cindy]

Dear Kelly,

I feel deeply and caringly for your fragile emotions. Will you have to pay the farmer for psychotherapy of his goat? Or can he sell it off for a curry dinner. I realise you are an excellent chef but sleeping with the ingredients is poor form. Oh knowing you, you didn't sleep. No doubt the goat is worn out and not too tender.  I'll avoid Jogan Rosh for a while, it may bring back sad memories.
BTW goats have long tongues,  what are they like at kissing and that other cunning stunt that long tongues are good for?

Hugs and Happy Therapy

Aunty Cindy

[kelly_aus]

Dear Aunt Cindy,

Thank you for your thoughtful response.. But my emotions are far from fragile.. In fact, it's all I can do to stop myself rolling around laughing.. Silly boy has managed to annoy a fair few of his friends as well.. It was all a somewhat painful learning experience., but I've come out the other side of it stronger and happier.. 

Hugs,
Kelly

[V M]

Dear Aunty Cindy

I recently joined the Unicycle Parade Troupe, we work the public holidays and the circus circuits Well!!! *Humph* The leader of the troupe seems to have a problem with me wearing short skirts that expose my knickers

At first I thought maybe they clashed in color with the whirligigs that I attach to my breasts, but I'm certain that my undies and whirligigs are quite well color coordinated so I don't know what their problem is

How do I deal with such abuse on the job?

          - The Great Kristina of Moscow

[Cindy]

Dear Kristina'

This a typical sign of jealously directed against big titted tarts, such as yourself. The easiest way to deal with this is to mount your vibrator on the unicycle instead of the seat. This will give you a warm glowing feeling.
And make unicycle riding in Moscow a rare pleasure

Hugs

Aunty Cindy