My name is Carrie, and I have recently discovered that my fiance would like to live as a woman.
I want to share my story for a couple of reasons. The first reason is that I want to show others my reaction processes so that they may feel hopeful if a similar thing happens with them. Second, I need support. I have been entirely ignorant to the transgender world, and I need a regular source for information. Not just for me but for us.
Brian and I met through a series of random events. What brought us together initially was that we both rode Kawasaki Ninja motorcycles. It was a common ground we could both talk about and a good excuse to see each other
We fell in love quickly. Got along perfectly. I eventually asked him if he wanted to move in with me and he eventually asked be to marry him.
Before the marriage proposal, he admitted to me that he liked to dress up as a female. I was totally fine with it, seeing as he would be okay with some of the things I'm into. He said that if I wasn't okay with it, he wouldn't do it. I was fine. In fact, I thought it was fun. It was mostly sexual, however so I did not pick up on the fact that he was most comfortable this way.
One night while drinking he mentioned to me that he would like to take hormones so that he can have breasts. He didn't say he was going to, he said he wanted to, like he was running it by me. It went over my head and maybe because of my ignorance to it, I didn't get it. Or maybe because it wasn't even something that I could fathom as a possibility.
After we were engaged, we continued the dressing up (sexually) and it was all fun. I started putting makeup on him and he loved it. BUT STILL I didn't put the connection together. lol. That's how oblivious I was.
One night, I put on his makeup, he dressed up all nice, and he asked me to dress up too, because usually it was just him. I did, and the weirdest thing happened. It was completely non-sexual. We just sat there talking, laughing, watched some of our favorite shows. He took a picture of us, and he never does that. I felt like I met a part of him I didn't know.
That night passed and the next time it happened, he told me that he wanted to live as a woman. He said it in a way that it finally made sense to me. He said, again, that he wanted to but he wouldn't if I didn't want him to. I felt terrible. So terrible. I felt like I lost the man I fell in love with. I told him that I couldn't marry him. I locked myself in the bathroom and started cutting my arms for the first time in weeks. I just didn't know how to react. I thought I lost my Brian.
The next day he asked me if I was okay, if my arms were okay. He said he was sorry and that he wasn't going to do it. I knew in my head and heart that I could never ask him to not be who he felt he really was. It killed me to be that kind of person. I was stuck. If I left him, I would hurt so bad and never find that same connection. I would be closed minded and never learn how to really love. If I stayed, him transitioning was not an option. I had my mind set on that. So I went to go visit my mom. I talked to her about the situation, and she was very supportive. She said it all came down to love. I still couldn't bring my self to be okay with it. I called him on the phone and talked to him about it more, but the thought of everything made me feel so incredibly terrible on the inside. It was the worst feeling I ever had in my life, because I was in love with him, and I thought this would change the one I fell in love with. When I came home that night, we talked more. About all the feelings and what it's like for him, and I still couldn't for the life of me understand. I mentioned breaking up, and he agreed. I instantly felt this sharp burning pain in my chest and I almost couldn't breathe... I asked him if that's what he really wanted, and he said no. He says it because he thinks it would make it easier for me. But he wanted to be with me, and losing me was worse than not transitioning. I think we both felt really stuck. I walked over to him, and hugged him. I told him that we both need to give this more time and thought before we make anything final.
He went to work the next day, and I went for a long 150 mile trip to Detroit, OR to clear my head, sort through my thoughts. By the time I got back home he was back from work, and I had a million new questions for him. We began talking and at some points it was a little hostile and angry. He finally said something to me, again, that made me understand. He said, "I will never be able to explain it to you. It's something you can't really know unless you are experiencing it for yourself". I stopped talking to think about those words, and I said "I am so sorry that you have to experience that. I can't imagine what it's like to have to go through that alone for so long." He came over to me, said "Thank You. Those words mean so much to me" He hugged me and gave me a kiss on the forehead. After that, we continued talking about it in a very positive way. We talked and talked all night long. I never seen him so happy. I kept asking him more and more and I kept learning more and more. I asked him to call in to work the next day, becasue I felt like our weekend was wasted with bull->-bleeped-<- and I wanted to spend time with him knowing and being supportive.
I wanted him to dress as himself that night, because I missed that night we had together just hanging out. He put on my Pink sweats, and a shirt I had that fit him. I also bought him a pink watch while I was out and about that day so he wore that. We had so much fun hanging out. I loved it. It felt real. I asked him if he would like to go shopping for some clothes that he would be more comfortable in, and he was all for it. We were both excited! The next day when we went out, I hated watching him put on his boy clothes. It feels like a mask now.
I took him shopping. I got him everything he needed. It was my gift to him, like a congratualations for being brave enough to be yourself. I wanted to show him that I am okay, and that we will be okay. I got him some pink converse also, so he could have some shoes
I am so ready for this now. His hormone treatment is in the works and everything is progessing steadily.
Thanks for reading, and I will be here in this forum reading and being supportive.
xoxo
