Enough of Mushy Mushy

[JayKyle]

So is it just me or does it seem wrong and well weird when your boyfriend/girlfriend tells you "I love you" a few days after you start dating and keeps repeating it. It just seems so false and insincere. But then they expect you to say it back. Yes I like you, but no I'm not to the point of love yet otherwise we would be picking out rings and making bigger plans and such...

I don't know, what are you're thoughts? Does it seem like its simply becoming tradition for you to say that and that we're becoming desinsitized to it or am I just old fashioned?

[Shang]

I have always hated it when someone I dated said "I love you" after only a couple of days or a couple of weeks.  To me, love takes time to build and is not something instantaneous.  I think a lot of people think just because you have a strong emotional attraction to someone you have to say "I love you" instead of taking the time to figure out how deep the feelings are and where they are stemming from.

I have said "I love you" to two people in my life that weren't family.  One was my ex-girlfriend.  We were to the point of thinking of ways for me to get up to NY after I graduated high school.  I even looked for states where gay marriage is legalized.  Sadly, my parents forced us apart so it never came to fruition.  After several years, I dated my ex-fiancé.  I was head over heels for him quickly, or so I thought.  We even said "I love you" fairly quickly (within two weeks of dating).  As a result, when he moved down here, the relationship was completely not what I thought and was based off of entirely something else (at least for me).  For me, it was based off the fact that I have severe depression and he was my "knight in shining armor" in that he showed me attention and he flirted with me and he talked to me. The relationship is now ended and I'm tons happier.  I wish I had waited to say the "love" word because then he would have never moved down here and me and him would still be talking as friends, but oh well.  What's done is done (and I'm far happier without him in my life in any sense).

Anyway, enough with the ramble.  I think people say "I love you" too quickly because it seems to be expected of them to say it and because they mistake strong attraction for love attraction, if that makes sense.

[JayKyle]

I have always hated it when someone I dated said "I love you" after only a couple of days or a couple of weeks.  To me, love takes time to build and is not something instantaneous.  I think a lot of people think just because you have a strong emotional attraction to someone you have to say "I love you" instead of taking the time to figure out how deep the feelings are and where they are stemming from.

I have said "I love you" to two people in my life that weren't family.  One was my ex-girlfriend.  We were to the point of thinking of ways for me to get up to NY after I graduated high school.  I even looked for states where gay marriage is legalized.  Sadly, my parents forced us apart so it never came to fruition.  After several years, I dated my ex-fiancé.  I was head over heels for him quickly, or so I thought.  We even said "I love you" fairly quickly (within two weeks of dating).  As a result, when he moved down here, the relationship was completely not what I thought and was based off of entirely something else (at least for me).  For me, it was based off the fact that I have severe depression and he was my "knight in shining armor" in that he showed me attention and he flirted with me and he talked to me. The relationship is now ended and I'm tons happier.  I wish I had waited to say the "love" word because then he would have never moved down here and me and him would still be talking as friends, but oh well.  What's done is done (and I'm far happier without him in my life in any sense).

Anyway, enough with the ramble.  I think people say "I love you" too quickly because it seems to be expected of them to say it and because they mistake strong attraction for love attraction, if that makes sense.

I wonder if thats why girlfriend says it to me...like I like her and all but I just don't want her to get so obsessed with me that she bottoms out if I feel the relationship gets too unhealthy. Because I want whats best for her but that doesn't mean I'm her Romeo...if that makes any sense.

[Edge]

That is actually really unhealthy and a warning sign.

[JayKyle]

That is actually really unhealthy and a warning sign.

Okay I just wanted to make sure I wasn't the only one thinking it and that I wasn't being selfish or anything like that.

[Shang]

I wonder if thats why girlfriend says it to me...like I like her and all but I just don't want her to get so obsessed with me that she bottoms out if I feel the relationship gets too unhealthy. Because I want whats best for her but that doesn't mean I'm her Romeo...if that makes any sense.

It makes sense.   Honestly, if she keeps pressuring you to say the words back when you don't feel it, you may need to talk to her about it.  If she gets mad and leaves, so be it.  It isn't right to be pressured into saying the words.

Some people (guys and girls) are also in love with the idea of being in love so they jump the gun with the words.  I'm not saying that's what's going on here, but it's always an option.

I wish you luck!  I know it's not always easy, but it's better for both of you to discuss things.

[JayKyle]

I wish you luck!  I know it's not always easy, but it's better for both of you to discuss things.

Sound advice, will do!

[Jeneva]

That is actually really unhealthy and a warning sign.

While I would agree that early on saying I love you in a romantic type of way all the time could be a warning sign, I disagree completely in the context of a relationship.

Once you are in a relationship, it can mean so many different things.  It almost becomes a code word for anything you are currently feeling.  It is a way to say "your outfit is divine, what you just did for that person was amazing, how you are standing just so is so sexy".  I love you is always safe to say anywhere and it doesn't make people give you a weird look like saying "When you lean to the side and look back like that it is all I can do not to kiss you."

Now I'm not saying don't say the other things when it is in private, but I love you is a wonderful reaffirmation of the connection that is always appropriate in public.

[Shang]

While I would agree that early on saying I love you in a romantic type of way all the time could be a warning sign, I disagree completely in the context of a relationship.

Once you are in a relationship, it can mean so many different things.  It almost becomes a code word for anything you are currently feeling.  It is a way to say "your outfit is divine, what you just did for that person was amazing, how you are standing just so is so sexy".  I love you is always safe to say anywhere and it doesn't make people give you a weird look like saying "When you lean to the side and look back like that it is all I can do not to kiss you."

Now I'm not saying don't say the other things when it is in private, but I love you is a wonderful reaffirmation of the connection that is always appropriate in public.

In my opinion, "I love you!" outside of a relationship is appropriate for things such as loving someone's outfit or loving something they did.  Within a relationship, "I love you", should only be used if truly love that person and can see spending a good amount of time with that person (in my opinion).  If you say it for every little thing then it loses it's meaning to me.

And not every relationship (romantic or otherwise) involves love (if in a romantic relationship) or at least romantic love.  I've been in plenty of committed relationships where I didn't love the person so I never said the words because it wasn't true.  If they wanted to say it, I asked them politely to not say it because it made me uncomfortable.

[JayKyle]

While I would agree that early on saying I love you in a romantic type of way all the time could be a warning sign, I disagree completely in the context of a relationship.

Once you are in a relationship, it can mean so many different things.  It almost becomes a code word for anything you are currently feeling.  It is a way to say "your outfit is divine, what you just did for that person was amazing, how you are standing just so is so sexy".  I love you is always safe to say anywhere and it doesn't make people give you a weird look like saying "When you lean to the side and look back like that it is all I can do not to kiss you."

Now I'm not saying don't say the other things when it is in private, but I love you is a wonderful reaffirmation of the connection that is always appropriate in public.

Hmmm I see your point. Perhaps I should contemplate this more.

[Jeneva]

Within a relationship, "I love you", should only be used if truly love that person and can see spending a good amount of time with that person (in my opinion).  If you say it for every little thing then it loses it's meaning to me.

Now that I pass most of the time we have to be careful with PDAs in some places.  So our I love you's are often just the tip of an iceberg of emotion we wished we could show.

We've been together for almost 16 years and married for almost 15 and even with saying it dozens of times a day, "I love you" hasn't lost its meaning.

[Edge]

By unhealthy and a warning sign, I mean in the context of saying it too early. People who have worked with survivors see this all the time. That's not to say that it is always a warning sign, but it frequently is.

[Felix]

By unhealthy and a warning sign, I mean in the context of saying it too early. People who have worked with survivors see this all the time. That's not to say that it is always a warning sign, but it frequently is.

One of my scariest relationships involved a boy who said "I love you" way too early on in the relationship. It wasn't an ambiguous statement or youthful frivolity or anything. The guy turned out to be pretty unhinged.

[Shang]

Now that I pass most of the time we have to be careful with PDAs in some places.  So our I love you's are often just the tip of an iceberg of emotion we wished we could show.

We've been together for almost 16 years and married for almost 15 and even with saying it dozens of times a day, "I love you" hasn't lost its meaning.

But do you say it for every tiny thing like clothing choice or perfume choice?  I don't understand saying because someone has a good outfit on or because their perfume smells good. 

For me, "I love you" can be said at any time, but only to convey the emotion of love and not because someone has on a good outfit.  When I was with my ex, we said it quite a bit to one another.  It only lost it's meaning to me when I realized my love for him was based off of a need for companionship and not off of anything stable.  Now, if he said it constantly because of something I wore or something similar then it probably would have lost its meaning a lot sooner.

As for PDA, I dislike PDA other than holding hands or a soft kiss on the cheek or a hug.  Otherwise, I like to keep it in private rooms.  This regardless of the person's sex.

[Edge]

lol 3 months is fine (I think). It's when people say it after only a few days that it's scary.
Felix, me too. It took him only a few days to say it. By the time our relationship ended, I was a nervous wreck and he was threatening to kill me and our son and setting fire to the carpet.

[Jeneva]

But do you say it for every tiny thing like clothing choice or perfume choice?  I don't understand saying because someone has a good outfit on or because their perfume smells good. 

For me, "I love you" can be said at any time, but only to convey the emotion of love and not because someone has on a good outfit.  When I was with my ex, we said it quite a bit to one another.  It only lost it's meaning to me when I realized my love for him was based off of a need for companionship and not off of anything stable.  Now, if he said it constantly because of something I wore or something similar then it probably would have lost its meaning a lot sooner.

As for PDA, I dislike PDA other than holding hands or a soft kiss on the cheek or a hug.  Otherwise, I like to keep it in private rooms.  This regardless of the person's sex.

At home we say whatever it is that we are thinking.  But in public it is difficult to say that the way your hair fell forward as you picked up that cereal took my breath away.  It isn't a generic compliment for an outfit for the day, but rather for how it is being worn at that given instant.  Certain kinds of actions reinforce the personality traits that I found beautiful already.   Seeing those actions reminds me of all of the other times I've seen them and I'm consumed with my love for them because of the memories.

In terms of PDA, I would actually few a kiss on the cheek to NOT be a public display of affection in terms of love.  If I were given a kiss on the cheek by a lover unless on of us had something contagious or a sore on our mouth I would feel I had been told I was ONLY a friend.  When I said PDA below I did include quick mouth kisses but not deep kisses.  However even hugs and the forehead lean with eyes boring into each other's soul is "unacceptable" around here for two women.  It is funny, we actually shop fairly LGBT friendly places, but even other couples abstain from hugs or more.

To us saying I love you is like saying "I see you", it is saying that we remember our bond and feel it exceptionally strongly right then.

I certainly agree that YYMV, but please don't say that it is not ok to say I love you often.

[Shang]

At home we say whatever it is that we are thinking.  But in public it is difficult to say that the way your hair fell forward as you picked up that cereal took my breath away.  It isn't a generic compliment for an outfit for the day, but rather for how it is being worn at that given instant.  Certain kinds of actions reinforce the personality traits that I found beautiful already.   Seeing those actions reminds me of all of the other times I've seen them and I'm consumed with my love for them because of the memories.

In terms of PDA, I would actually few a kiss on the cheek to NOT be a public display of affection in terms of love.  If I were given a kiss on the cheek by a lover unless on of us had something contagious or a sore on our mouth I would feel I had been told I was ONLY a friend.  When I said PDA below I did include quick mouth kisses but not deep kisses.  However even hugs and the forehead lean with eyes boring into each other's soul is "unacceptable" around here for two women.  It is funny, we actually shop fairly LGBT friendly places, but even other couples abstain from hugs or more.

To us saying I love you is like saying "I see you", it is saying that we remember our bond and feel it exceptionally strongly right then.

I certainly agree that YYMV, but please don't say that it is not ok to say I love you often.

I never said it wasn't okay for anyone else.  For me, it's not okay.  Everyone else can do what they want in regards to the words; it's their life, not mine.  Saying "I love you" when you feel powerfully moved by the feeling is something I can get behind. This is partially because I have said it only when powerfully moved by the emotion and partially because that seems romantic to me.  It's when it's said over and over or really early in a relationship, such as in JayKyle's case, that makes me wary of the partner I'm with. 

As I said, other people can do what they want.  I'm not going to tell them to stop even if I don't agree with it because it's their life.  Everything I've said has been in this thread has solely been my opinion and nothing more along with it pertaining to my life.

[Beth Andrea]

When my gf (who would become my wife of 23 years, and soon to be my ex) first said, "I love you", (about 3-4 months into the relationship) she expected me to say it after her...

I knew that, but didn't...

....long pause....

Her: "Why didn't you say you love me?"

Me: "Because I don't know if I love you yet, or not. We haven't had a fight yet."

Her: 

Her: "What do you MEAN, "we haven't had a fight yet"!? What's THAT got to do with love?!"

Me: "During a fight, a person will say things that are mean and hurtful...but if you're in love, "true" love, you won't. Or, if you do (because of emotions), you'll immediately apologize and calm down."

Me: 

Her: 

...Well, that turned out to be our first fight. LOL!

A few days later, after she'd calmed down, she realized the truth of what I'd said.

Our divorce is not related to this, btw. 

[JayKyle]

^^' I didn't mean for this to start an argument on opinions but just for some advice...

And I'm starting to get the impression that she's passive agressive anyways. She wants me to fawn over her but doesn't really seem to care about me expect for the fact that she tells me "I Love You" all the time and gets mad that I don't say it back to her. Like she wants me to ask her about her day and compliment her and everything but she never asks me anything or when I go to tell her something she gets 'distracted'. -.- Needless to say, I'm ending the relationship because I don't feel like its emotionaly good for me.

[Felix]

^^' I didn't mean for this to start an argument on opinions but just for some advice...

And I'm starting to get the impression that she's passive agressive anyways. She wants me to fawn over her but doesn't really seem to care about me expect for the fact that she tells me "I Love You" all the time and gets mad that I don't say it back to her. Like she wants me to ask her about her day and compliment her and everything but she never asks me anything or when I go to tell her something she gets 'distracted'. -.- Needless to say, I'm ending the relationship because I don't feel like its emotionaly good for me.

Good looking out for yourself.