Biggest worry is work.

[PHXGiRL]

I dont know if this is the correct place to post this.

I've been taking steps over the last month towards my goal of being the real me. I came out to my fiancé about 3 weeks ago. She is the first person I told about my life long secret. Soon after I made a appointment to see a local therpist after taking with him. I've opened up a lot more and came out to my sister and brother last night about my desire to change. My sister is completely understanding and says she will miss Mike and my brother says he has no desire to have me in his life if I change. What's funny is that it honestly doesn't hurt me that bad about his thoughts and it's made me think if he can't accept me that's messed up and he has no point in my life.

My biggest coming out fear is actually the workplace. I haven't started HRT and plan to a.s.a.p. to get the upper hand on my body. I'm afraid I won't be able to work and as of now I've been trying to save every penny I can. See I'm in automotive sales and work in a pretty judgmental work environment with all males. I just can't see it working out as I transition in the future when ever that day comes. My idea is that I should quit my job and find two jobs that would be easier to transition. I will have to work atleast two to come near to making my monthly income to pay my bills. How did you girls manage it? I've been looking at at home jobs but most look like scams. After I'm me I'm going to get back into auto sales. So I figure I'm going to have four rough years.

[JayKyle]

There are laws preventing them from firing you just because you are trans. If they do thats a huge lawsuite that just fell in there lap. I would talk to your manager but just test the waters and see what he thinks before opening up and look around for some jobs in the area. Hopefully you dont live in NC or SC because they ignore the law and go with their own and will fire you if they don't like your hair and get away with it. ^^, (guess where i live) but talking to a socail worker might be able to help you get a feel for some trans friendly work places in your area. Hopefully that helps a little and I hope it all works out for you!

[PHXGiRL]

Never thought about talking to a social worker. I live in Arizona which is a right to work state. I've even working at my dealership for six and a half years. One of the best performers. I just think it would be akward as all hell. Lol

[Michelle G]

Well, for me at least it wasnt a matter of my workplace as there was another co-worker that came out and I followed her thru the entire transformation, our employer was more than understanding and accomodating, and this was a major construction company full of men...the owners were just very progressive in their thinking.

What actually held me back then was a bad abusive relationship, kids, conservative family and several other things...so I just kept it all inside for many many years. finally just this spring the "time was right"

You take care of your self first! those that really care about you will be by your side...the others might be more accepting at a later time.

Good luck Serena!!!

never be afraid to ask your sisters here for advice

[PHXGiRL]

Thanks michelle! Yeah it's crazy you think Id be more stressed out about family and my daughter but I'm not. My family i think for the most part will be understanding and my daughter is only 7 since she is young I'm hoping she can adjust and she knows I love her.

[PositivelyAnna]

There are laws preventing them from firing you just because you are trans.

Not everywhere, unfortunately. :-(  It's still "legal" to discriminate against trans people in many states.  (though this is rapidly changing -- there was a major federal case earlier this week which will probably set a precedent...)


@Serena -

I have a much different type of workplace, so I don't know if it applies, but... the general reaction I got?  No one cared.  At all. Business as usual.  (it was almost disappointing;  like, "C'mon!  Notice me!  I'm a girl now!! :-( )

One thing you learn is that this "no one cares" thing is common.  From our perspective, we're doing something **huge**;  it's the only thing we can see.  From others' perspective?   It's just not that interesting.  "Oh, you're a woman now?  Cool!  Pass the beer nuts."

The people who are usually bothered -- as you have learned -- are people who know you well.  :-(

And people who have never met you at all?  It's not even an issue -- they don't know you as anyone else!


So... YMMV, of course, but I'll bet your co-workers will react much less than you expect.


About HRT -- it takes a long time.  You can start now, and more than likely, no one will see changes for the better part of a year.



Good luck! :-)


-anna

[PHXGiRL]

I hear you 100% on the people who know you will react the worst my brother is freaking out saying it's going to be the death of my mom. Which is stupid because I think my mom is the most unjudgemental person on the planet.

What kind of work place environment do you work in? Like I said eariler best cause scenario would to work from home for me. My fiancé and I would like to get our cleaning business off the ground so she can stay home too.

[PositivelyAnna]

I work in the film industry.  On the Hollywood scale of things, I'm a pretty low-level freak.    So, on the "official" side of things, discrimination (hopefully!) isn't really an issue;  no studio would get anywhere near a scandal involving firing a trans person.

That being said, I don't think the inter-personal stuff is that different. Different things come into play for one-on-one interactions.  Someone who's uncomfortable is going to be that way regardless of them being in a liberal or more conservative workplace/industry.  And vice-versa.

On another board, a woman was talking about the military town she lives in.  Going by stereotypes, you'd figure macho military dudes would give trans people a really hard time.  But it's not like that at all;  in fact, some of the marines she knows well are actually very protective of her in a big-brotherly way (which is certainly convenient if anyone *does* give her ->-bleeped-<-!)

So... who knows?  People might surprise you!  :-)


-anna

[MrTesto]

Being a top sales person - and having that documented by reviews, sales figures, etc - is a great way to start. If you haven't had a review recently, get it done before coming out, if you can. 

But first - take a look at this amazing news: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,119187.0.html We are protected.

And you don't have to come out immediately. (RLE is no longer the rule for access to transition.) You've got a lot going on as it is, and so why add on work stuff the same week, or even month. If and when you do come out, check out resources from HRC: http://www.hrc.org/resources/category/transgender 

Don't statistics show that it's the woman in a straight couple who most often casts the deciding vote for a car purchase?  And if you feel like you want to step out of the headlights for a while, your sales skills and awareness of the financial side of things should be transferable to other settings.

[Cindy]

Well I'm coming out at work, and I'm a very high profile person in a high profile position. Yes we have legislation that protects me. But of course that won't stop the petty stuff. So far it has been a big yawn. No one gives a damn as far as I can tell.  Well I'm included in the female conversations, even was involved in a talk about periods the other day and most of the guys don't talk to me about cars, sport, DIY. No loss. Document everything, check the law, and be open to your bosses and HR people.

[luna nyan]

I'm in a similar situation - a well paid job that deals with people and has a conservative work culture.

My current plan:
1.  Low dose HRT (started) - stop myself from getting any more male, aim for androgeny.  Work on aspects of presentation that take time and money (voice, body hair, etc)
2.  Work really hard, pay down debts, save enough to live off for a year!
3.  Gain another skill set that is TG friendly as a backup career.
4.  Reassess situation and decide whether or not I really have to tear up my life as it is.  If it wasn't for the GID, I'd have a pretty good life by all means (for people looking from the outside in).
5.  Should I transition, take up to a year off to sort out the whole presentation side of things (social adjustment, any surgeries needed - would know by then whether or not FFS etc necessary), then resume work at a different workspace, possibly career #2.

[Pippa]

I have a different problem.  Being unemployed in a horrendous job market, it is easy for employers to overlook trans applicants and just say that there were too many applicants.  I have recently applied to a temp agency who are understanding of my position.  Only problem is, they have no jobs that would suit me on their books!

[PositivelyAnna]

5.  Should I transition, take up to a year off to sort out the whole presentation side of things (social adjustment, any surgeries needed - would know by then whether or not FFS etc necessary), then resume work at a different workspace, possibly career #2.

You might feel different about that one after things get rolling -- staying *involved* in work really, really helps the transition.  Otherwise, you're just interacting with people on the street, or people you already know (probably, who knew you before).  No one gets to know you as *you*.

For me, starting a new job as the new me was a huge leap forward.  It was the first time I was really *forced* (for lack of a better word) to interact with people.  It was the first time I experienced new things like female-female friendships (which are *much* different); female-male interactions -- which weren't entirely positive; going to the women's room all the time (which is kind of a pain -- standing was so much quicker!)  Positive or negative, it made me feel like this was *real*, not just me playing a role.

Another thing was learning what it means to be trans, which -- no matter how stealth we eventually are -- we all have to live with.  People like to place things in one category or another -- male or female.  So, even if you don't "pass" 100%, people still treat you as your new gender;  they don't really have a choice!

But, inside, you will still have nagging doubts.  As with anything, we are *way* more aware of ourselves than anyone is of us.  Eventually, you (hopefully) can make peace without yourself about that.  But, you can't do it in isolation.


Anyway, guess I'm a "jump in head first" kinda gal. :-)


-anna

[luna nyan]

Oh, the idea of the year off would be like the gap year that a lot of kids have these days before starting university/entering college.

The idea would be to go off and have whatever surgeries I feel necessary at the time to improve my presentation, and then spend some time travelling/doing a whole bunch of stuff that I've always wanted to.  That would give me time to settle so to speak and then be able to go back to work feeling confident as professional presentation is critical to my current line of work.

[Michelle G]

A little story about my friend/co-worker after coming out at work..

After the official notice and office memo went out to employees to respect her wishes regarding comments etc.. She started her RLE right away...first thing she did was buy a pink Corvette and started dressing like Barbie and wearing way over the top skimpy outfits...now realize this was 21 years ago and fashions were quite different than today, this was a big construction company and she was one of the burliest truck drivers there...she moved into the office to run the trucking division and my office was next to hers, we had a good time and she always kept the mood light and drama was non existant! the men in the company were pretty much speechless at the outfits she wore, but as the year of RLE went on her styles calmed down and a year or so later its was "prairie skirts" and boots, then eventually back to flannel and jeans...it was always nice to see her so happy and complete:) she will always be an inspiration to me!

[JoanneB]

The point for "having" to come out at work is still some time off. Yes plan for it to come some day. Transitioning is not an easy process. Not many just flip the switch overnight without going through a lot of hardships. But it sure beats the alternative of suicide. Being a top performer is good. My wife knew a TS in NYC that sold high end cars, still did after transition. Being a knock out helped.

Now the bad news. I've been in management and the workplace for some time now. No matter what the Law says, a person can always be gotten rid of, unless you are unionized, or have some other employment contract in force (think CEOs and golden parachutes). Depending on employment laws it can take some time. If you are an "Exempt" employee, which I suspect so as sales, it can happen overnight under the guise of a general workforce reduction, or no reason at all! That is why it's called exempt, exempt from most hourly labor laws since you are a professional.

Any TG protection law only counts if management was stupid enough to say in front of witnesses or on tape that you are being fired because you are TG, or you can somehow prove that was the "Real" reason they did. How many ten's of thousands of dollars do have for proving that? There aren't many lawyers out there looking for wrongful termination cases against TGs to take on on a contingency basis. No jury sympathy there!

Being fired or layed off has always been a big factor in my decision not to go full-time. I love the type of work I do. It's been my hobby since I was a little kid. I've been "layed off" a few times for political reasons in spite of the fact the companies I worked for made wheelbarrows full of money off me. (Also suffered a lot shortly thereafter but...) How people, and companies, act is often contrary to their best interests.

[ShawnaB]

In the UK it almost seems fashionable, or everyday, to be TG now - or at least in the media.  In my line of work, it would be suicidal of the companies I work for to give me any sort of grief.  In fact they know that it would benefit them to help me (anonymously of course) just to be able to add it to their credibility as a completely indifferent employer (wrt physical/religious differences).

There are days when I feel like when I do get to full time (this fall if all goes well), the response will be "transitioning? oh, thought you were gonig to say something weird" and just a complete non-event.

I kinda want the big reception for my vanity's sake, but ideologically the less noise is made, the closer to the 'correct' response to transitioning I'll enjoy.

All that being said, it's my current work situation that I'm holding back on FT for...

[JayKyle]

In the UK it almost seems fashionable, or everyday, to be TG now - or at least in the media.  In my line of work, it would be suicidal of the companies I work for to give me any sort of grief.  In fact they know that it would benefit them to help me (anonymously of course) just to be able to add it to their credibility as a completely indifferent employer (wrt physical/religious differences).

There are days when I feel like when I do get to full time (this fall if all goes well), the response will be "transitioning? oh, thought you were gonig to say something weird" and just a complete non-event.

I kinda want the big reception for my vanity's sake, but ideologically the less noise is made, the closer to the 'correct' response to transitioning I'll enjoy.

All that being said, it's my current work situation that I'm holding back on FT for...

hmm maybe this is a sign that I should get my rear in gear and move to the UK already

[PositivelyAnna]

hmm maybe this is a sign that I should get my rear in gear and move to the UK already

lol... ironically, that's *exactly* what I did!  (well, not intentionally, but that's how it worked out)

I moved to London at the beginning of 2011 for work.  That's when the gears clicked into place and I decided to transition.  Being a foreigner in a completely alien place was very empowering.  Made me feel like there was no consequence to anything, which helped me dolot of things I might not have otherwise done.  And, knowing *no one* at all, let me avoid some of the more difficult parts.

In the UK it almost seems fashionable, or everyday, to be TG now - or at least in the media.  In my line of work, it would be suicidal of the companies I work for to give me any sort of grief.  In fact they know that it would benefit them to help me (anonymously of course) just to be able to add it to their credibility as a completely indifferent employer (wrt physical/religious differences).

There are days when I feel like when I do get to full time (this fall if all goes well), the response will be "transitioning? oh, thought you were gonig to say something weird" and just a complete non-event.

Yup, that's how it felt.  Like you said, it would be suicidal in my industry to give a transgender person a hard time.  Londoners don't bat an eyelash at trans folk.

No one reacted *at all*, which did, in fact, disappoint me.

Though.... I must admit that there's a part of British culture I never understood;  it seemed like Brits never said *anything* about *anything*!  Maybe it was just because I was foreign, though.  And being American, in particular, I have a much different perspective:  we always comment. 

-anna

[auburnAubrey]

See I'm in automotive sales and work in a pretty judgmental work environment with all males. I just can't see it working out as I transition in the future when ever that day comes.

For years, I felt this way... I work for a fire department..... you want to talk about testosterone???  Wow...  I never, in a million years thought i would be able to transition there...  Until I decided that I have to.  Unfortunately (actually, fortunately since it kept me from making a big mistake) fire rescue is a civil service position.  After 21 years of working there, if I left for another department, I would be hired on as a rookie....  no thanks.  So I came out at work.

It has been one of the best experiences...  And I know I am blessed.  I mean, the command staff brought in a TG girl who works in TG rights to talk and educate them... they came out with a gender policy so others can feel safe...  It's been amazing.  But I was still worried about all the firefighters in the field.  But strangely enough, no problems.  In fact, many have gone beyond the "we've got your back" and looked deeper to say things like "This must have been incredibly painful for you, and we're happy you don't have to live like that any longer"..

People can suprise you.  For every story like mine, I'm sure there are a lot of stories the exact opposite.  Also, as someone mentioned to me, it helped the type of person I've been for the past 21 years there...  I wasn't an a-hole... I didn't create stress, and i did my job well.  So I think that respect as a person helped.

Anyway, my point is, transition is a process, and leaving your job is not something you have to think about right away, but is something you may wish to consider.  But people's acceptance has much to do with who you are as well as who they are.  And I'm finding that people really do suprise me. 

Take that decision slow.  As you said about your brother, it's what's inside people that make them afraid, it's not you.  But don't assume that because of they type of place you work at, you won't be able to do it there.  I did that for years, and I was dead wrong.  Everyone's situation is different, but like I said, I'd never thought in a million years I could do it at the fire department.  And here I am!

good luck!!