Guilt from Parents?

[Declan]

I first told my mother that I was questioning my gender almost 2 years ago, and it's been talked about a couple times since then but nothing really changed until about 2 weeks ago. I finally told her again that I want to talk to a therapist and she agreed. The next day she took me to our local lgbtq center for their monthly TransYouth Night. I was super excited that she even wanted to go, and even more excited that it was her idea. So we both went and she went to the parents room, and i went into the teen group, and she came out knowing a lot more and understanding things better. She also got a number for a gender therapist. So that was awesome, and I couldn't believe how fast it seemed like she was accepting everything. (My mother is a very loving and open minded person by the way, just didn't want anyone to think I was dealing with a witch incase I worded anything poorly.) I thought things would be a lot better until last night, she'd had a little to drink, but still, it made me feel horrible. She was crying hysterically and asking me over and over if this is really what I wanted. I wanted so badly to say no just so she'd stop crying. I hate being the reason that she's upset, and it sucks because I'm an only child, so I feel even more guilty that I'm like messing up her dreams or something. I don't know. I'm 18, so it's not like I need her permission to move forward with transitioning in the future, but I'd feel so much better if she was 100% behind me. She said she'll always love me no matter what, but still. Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with the guilt? Thanks.

[geek]

Hopefully in time she'll really be okay with it, sometimes parents just need to grieve, and that's ok, it's wonderful that she is including herself with your transition, my best advice is to just give her time, there is no sense in feeling guilty about being yourself, at all. Stand tall my friend, lying to yourself and not being yourself your whole life will hurt more than a bit of guilt

[anibioman]

i had the same thing with with my parents cuz i was the only girl child but they got over it and stopped making me feel guilty

[Natkat]

I know how it feels,
my parrents always wanted a girl since a boy and a girl is the typical thing.. + her last daugther died so I felt guilty for not being a good reserve daughter..

I dont really know how to not feel guitly, I guess for myself I just thought it was better she at least had a child, boy or girl than non, because I know I probably wouldnt be alive, or felling very well if I couldnt live as a boy.

[Felix]

When I told my daughter she started sobbing and I wanted so badly to take back what I said, anything to not be the cause of so much hurt. She's young and adjusted quickly (I just had to assure her that transition didn't mean I was going away) but some people take longer. Your mother has known you for 18 years.

[Isaac]

It is obvious that your mom is a caring and supportive person.  She is trying her best, but it's still a hard thing to come to terms with.  You shouldn't take it personally.  You aren't messing up her dreams.  She can be proud of you regardless of whether you're her daughter or son, and she will realize that in time.

My mom told me that she didn't care if I was trans, but she was worried because she knows transsexual people live very hard lives.  Your mom might be worried about you facing discrimination, losing your job, etc.  She may also be afraid that it is a phase and you would regret transition.  I very seriously doubt that your mom views this as something that is your fault, or that you are doing to hurt her, so there's nothing for you to feel guilty about. 

[MaxAloysius]

I was going to mention that maybe she felt sad not about losing a daughter, but about all of the things that her child was going to have to go through to be happy, but Isaac beat me to it and worded it very well.

It's possible that she heard a fair bit of bad news from the other parents, perhaps about past treatment some of their kids faced, or all of the hard times she should be prepared to help you through, and it upset her to think of you having to face that.

It sounds like you have an amazing mum Declan; give her time and I'm sure she'll become one of your strongest backers.

[justmeinoz]

She is coping with a lot, it will take time, but eventually she will see that it is not a question of what you want, but rather what you need to do to live an authentic life.  As my own mother said, she has known me all my life and it is difficult to get used to such a huge change  in a short time.  She is trying.

Being patient, and reassuring her that there won't be any changes overnight is a good start.   Also letting her know that you can see she is facing her own Transition too in a way will help.

As I have said before here, as a parent of a transsexual child as well, I have seen both sides, so if she wants to contact me I am willing to respond.

Karen.

[supremecatoverlord]

I hate being the reason that she's upset, and it sucks because I'm an only child, so I feel even more guilty that I'm like messing up her dreams or something. I don't know. I'm 18...

You're not a child if you're eighteen. You're legally an adult and can legally make your own decisions even if your parents don't support them.

My grandma sort of gets like this when she is drunk, but I don't see her as often as you would see your mother. However, I don't feel guilty. I'd never say " no" to this being what I wanted. I've let people guilt me before into thinking that there was something wrong with me, but there's not. My mind is who I am and my mind says "you're body isn't supposed to look like this; this is wrong". My body is the thing that all my life has mislead people and made me feel terrible about myself. If you feel that way too, there's no way you should back out.

I know it's nice to have people's support, but if your mom is as open-minded as you say, she will probably come around. This just seems like a huge change for her, as it will for a lot of people, and will probably take some getting used to.

[wheat thins are delicious]

Don't worry about it.  When people have been drinking they do or say things they wouldn't otherwise.  Take it as a good sign that she went with you to a trans group and is supportive.  A lot of guys parents would never do such a thing, and say disparaging ->-bleeped-<- to them daily about how they are ruining their (the parents') lives, and stuff. 

Also I agree with Jason.  You are 18, and if you sit around waiting for your mother's full 100% support then you may never end up transitioning.  I know I wouldn't.  I came out two years ago and my mother still doesn't support me.

[Vin]

I feel guilty too. I tried to explain to her about my nearly being on T today and she just didn't seem to understand. I want to make her happy, I want her to still love me. I want her to realise that I'm not going away, I'm just doing what I need to to be happy. I'm so tired of not being happy. Unfortunately I've spent a lot of my 27 years in existance trying to make her happy and doing what she wanted. She is still trying to make me change my mind, but I really need to do this. I too need help with guilt. I have severe guilt as I'm her only daughter (such as it is) and she doesn't have any sisters either.

[Declan]

Thanks everyone, you all make good very points. I think she'll definitely come around. I just hate seeing her upset, but I can't just focus on her happiness forever. And Karen, thank you very much for the offer, I'll ask her if she'd like to contact you (: