Tips for getting parents to understand your decision?

[Snapdragon]

Hi everyone this is my first post here, I've actually been meaning to ask for advice for a while, however life has been busy for sure but now that freshman year is coming to a close I'm getting more and more time to think about life, myself, and everything else and old wounds are starting to open once again...  I've been in therapy for only like 4 sessions so far so there has been no diagnosis yet... but still I feel in my heart that I know I'm a girl.  Just the fact that the world seems trying so desperately to pin me down is just... saddening.  My mom is "trying to be supportive" but has told me several times she'd never accept me as a woman and just today said I was born a male, and she expects me to stay one until I die.  Although it's just words I felt terrible from that one... laughing it off and trying to stay on top of things has worked so far, especially with all the work I've had to do in college, it helps me to keep moving on with life, like a distraction I guess.  My dad is pretty much just overall depressed, he's been unemployed for a while and not getting along well with my mom at all, things seemed to be looking up actually and I can't help feeling that my coming out completely ruined that.  Now he drinks a lot and generally shows obvious signs of depression.  I feel like since they both just totally don't understand or don't like what they are hearing me say it has just kind of messed everything up in their lives, I hate it though because I just want to be the way I feel is RIGHT for me, why does society, why do my own PARENTS want SO BADLY for me to not be happy? at least that's how it seems... that's probably pretty self-centered now that I think about it.  I do feel afraid of society though, afraid I'll lose all my friends, afraid nobody will understand, I'm already not a super-social person so if I really do lose everyone then I'll be all alone and I don't know how to deal with that!  I feel like either way, there's no way I'll be able to work up the courage to come out to anyone else until my own parents can at least accept me, it just seems like that will never happen.  I don't know I just question the validity of life at least at this moment.  Like why all the constant weights and burdens on my conscience, I've made the realization of where my heart's really at, why can't I just, I don't know, be ALLOWED to feel these feelings?  Even a little would be nice.  Anyway sorry if this is too much text to read but the question I have for everyone is, are there any tips or general suggestions for how to make parents accept you better?  I know I haven't even begun to deal with some of the hardships that others have had to face after they came out, but my heart is still in pain and I don't really see any way to fix it any time soon...

[King Malachite]

Hey Snapdragon welcome to Susans! 

A lot of people here have been in similar positions to yours especially regarding family rejection of what you are feeling on the inside.  The best thing to do is make sure you are knowledgable of your situation meaning that you can tell your parents that this is a legit medical condition as confirmed by doctors.  You could also show your parents documentaries of other transgendered people and their stories or links to where being transgendered is a legit condition.  Also stand firm on how you feel.  Let them know that you are very serious about this.  The important thing to do is to stay calm during the whole time and present your case as maturely as possible.  If the opposition still continues then you can just tell your parents that you agree to disagree and that you are sorry that they feel that way but you know how you personally feel.

There is no clear cut way to make your parents guarntee that they will accept you better.  You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink/  It is on them to have the desire to willingly listen to your case and try to open up to this subject.  All you can do is provide the tools to do so.  However there have been cases where parents who rejected their children but came around even after some years so don't lose hope.  I hope it all works out for you.

   

[Laura26]

Hi Snapdragon

My therapist recommended the book true selves, so I ordered a copy from amazon and underlined passages which strongly applied to me before giving it to my parents.  I think that did help them understand some of the concepts and issues I've struggled with. I often felt like they don't fully listen when I tell them these things directly so comunicating this way was helpful.

It was also clear from talking to them that they had no appropriate reference points (my dad thought of eddie izzard..) so I sent them some youtube links of post transition girls just living normal lives so they could visualise my path more easily.

I think my parents may be similar to yours. Mine try to support me but they're not fully capable of doing so as they do struggle with it. This leads to them giving me mixed messages which is difficult to handle at times. Overall Iknow they are trying though so we'll get there, it'll just take time.

Also you're at one of the hardest points right now. It does get easier as you sort your life out. Try not to let other people's problems get in the way of you finding your self.

[Assoluta]

More than any words or explanations, if you live your life and prove how sure you are of yourself, your parents will start to see your transition as more "real" and become more convinced that you are who you are, rather than just saying you 'want to be'. My mum was in denial about me for a long time, but when she saw that I had changed my passport, amongst various other changes, her words were "so you really are serious about this then", and it was from then that acceptance started. If you get a job, or attend university, or socialise with new friends as your true gender - you will convince your parents about your true convictions. For me it also got to the point where all my friends used my name and the pronouns 'she' apart from my parents, and I brought my friends round to deliberately make my parents feel silly about referring to me as 'he' and 'him' even though I clearly looked like a girl and was one. Now I have accepted myself and I have feminised over time, it has even got to the point where my parents have actually said that they have forgotten how I used to be or what I looked like, which is the polar opposite to how it started, so it CAN happen.

[A]

I think your best bet is to make them understand that your transsexualism is not a decision you made, but a medical condition that needs to be "repaired", or else you will be unable to truly attain happiness. Let them know that if you could avoid being transsexual, you would.

That you're not any happier with the situation than them. Make them understand that there is no choice whatsoever involved in what you are. The fact is: you have a problem. The options are: to fix it, or not to fix it. That's all. And the latter is silly.

Parents tend to be likely to think that their child is "going through a phase", and to overestimate them, to think that whatever the issue, whatever the challenge, if a person really doesn't want the issue to exist and the issue is still there, they just need more willpower; if one really wants to conquer an obstacle, "if they want to, they can do it".

Whilst such an attitude helps in some situations, they have to understand that being a transsexual is much closer to having a brain cancer than to having trouble socialising, or to having a maths course to pass. It's not something you can do anything about without medical help; it's just as stupid as telling someone to diabetes: "Just motivate yourself to make insulin before you eat. Don't be as weak as to need an injection!"

Once they understand the validity of your problem, its inevitable character and your powerlessness, outside of a professional's offfice, about it, they will understand the necessity for them to accept it, and the uselessness of blaming it upon you. The actual acceptance process might be hard and maybe even long, but it's going to be their job to put some willpower into it.

It may help them that you bring them with you to an appointment with your therapist. Having a real, knowledgeable professional explain it to them should definitely add credibility to your cause, and be of great assistance.