I've made a huge mistake.

[Molly]

Two days ago I more or less came out to my mom, or more specifically told her I've been heavily questioning things, and am now pretty damn certain I am MTF.  She seemed to take it well, gave me a hug, told me she loved me, and informed me that she just wanted me to be happy.

And now I regret ever telling her.  The next day she wanted permission to tell two of her best friends, because she was having a hard time coming to terms with it and needed someone to speak to.  I told her she could speak to my aunt, my uncle, or my stepsister... all of whom know, and support me fully.  Not good enough.  She had to be able to speak to THOSE people.

After much hemming and hawing, I gave in.

Turns out my stepfather recognized my mom's "distress" (as she terms it), and asked what was wrong.  She played coy.  Thankfully.  Because here's the thing:  I am terrified of my stepfather.  I mask it well, but even at 23, I still avoid the rooms he's in.  I am terrified of how this 240 pound, borderline homophobic, ex-football player will react.

I told my mom because I could no longer lie to her.  I had to tell her what was going on with me.  I prayed that I could trust her.

And now I don't think I can.

She got home from work this evening (I still live at home) and proceeded to tell me how it was unfair to her it is to have to keep this from her husband.  And that, moreover, it is unfair to him to be left out of the loop.  Because she needs her support system, she says.  She needs someone to talk to.

I stood there with my hands on the counter, my wet hair dangling my face, hyperventilating onto the red pepper I'd just been chopping.  For the first time in my life, I truly thought I was going to pass out.  Is this what a panic attack feels like?

She then proceeded to tell me how much this effects the family.  How big this is.  And all I could tell her is "I know, I know."

"And you're driving a wedge between me and my husband."

My heart broke as she spoke those words.  I began to cry.  Not two days ago, I was certain I could trust my mom explicitly.  Now I can't help but wonder if I ever will again.

I am aware of how selfish transitioning can be, but what I wasn't prepared for was how much she would make it about herself.  I walked out of the room to her protestations -- "and now you won't even have a conversation with me?"  I told her I just couldn't handle it.  And then I dropped the trump card, or A trump card:  "If you tell [stepfather's name], I will move out of this house.  I will leave." 

I don't know how I'd be able to do so, but I will.

I hope she realizes that by telling my stepfather, she'll drive a permanent wedge between she and I as well.  I only hope she's prepared herself for the consequences.  Because in a way, as tough as it is, I have.

What do I do?  What can I do?  How do I rein my mom in, because the last thing I want is to lose her.  I'm just not ready to face my stepfather.  I can't do that yet.

Help?

[Sephirah]

Hon, have you told your mom why you don't want her to tell your stepfather?

By the sounds of it, you have legitimate concerns for your own safety. Maybe that is something to consider, just sitting down with her, calmly and rationally, and being honest with her about why you feel the way you do. Maybe she thinks she's not allowed for different reasons, and doesn't know it's because you're scared.

*reassuring hug* Sometimes people assume things because they're only given part of the picture. Maybe she sees it as a choice she has to make, you or her husband. And, from what you've said, it's not about that at all. It's just a question of time. Tell her why you need that time, hon. Why you felt you could tell her and why you're hesitant about your stepfather knowing. And that it isn't an either/or situation, but just as she needs to get a handle on her feelings... so do you.

Throwing ultimatums around automatically puts people into 'defense mode', and breaks down the lines of communication completely. They adopt a "who are you to tell me what I can or can't do? I'll show you!" Mentality. You need to keep the lines of communication open here, hon. Especially since her initial reaction was a positive one.

You say that you want to be able to trust your mom to do the right thing... well, trust is a two way thing, so maybe all she needs are the reasons to trust you, to understand that you know what you're doing and that there's a basis to everything that you feel.

[Molly]

Yeah, You make an excellent point.  I honestly regret saying "then I'll move out," but in the heat of the moment I was nowhere close to thinking clearly.  And that was the only thought I was having, so when I finally had a chance to open my mouth it just came tumbling out.  I'm going to sit down and talk to her a bit later and try to work this out, while keeping my backbone firmly in place.  (I can't let her guilt me into telling my stepfather before I am ready.  She did that with me once before, when I told her I crossdressed a year ago.  It didn't really go that well--he and I have never spoken about it since.)

Hopefully I can impress on her that I need to speak to a gender therapist a couple times, and start feeling confident in who I am first.  My mom wants to tell my stepfather that I am just just questioning who am am, and trying to figure out my identity, without mentioning gender stuff.  But I know that that will never be good enough for my mom.  There is nothing for my stepfather to "support" her with if everything is kept ridiculously vague.  All it will do is make her want to tell him more.

I guess I should have expected this, though.  I even brought up how I needed her to keep mum about this for a little while when I told her.  Back then, she was fine with doing that.  I don't know what has changed in such a short amount of time.

*sigh*

I introduced her to the book "True Selves" last night.  Hopefully she will read it so she can start to understand a bit of what I am going through.

[Sephirah]

There is nothing for my stepfather to "support" her with if everything is kept ridiculously vague.

This strikes me as interesting and something which... hmm... forgive me for saying this, hon, but do you think there's a possibility that she sees it as more of a need to tell him precisely because he is your stepfather?

I'm just thinking out loud here, and I have no experience with step-parents, so I'm really just posing a question... is there perhaps a different dynamic in the relationship between your mom and stepfather than there would be if he were your biological father which could explain her desire to tell him in spite of your wishes? For example, is there a possibility that she may feel that you don't want her to tell him because it's something you want to have just between the two of you, and feels that you want to exclude him from your lives? Maybe this is where the feeling of "driving a wedge" between them comes from?

Maybe that's something only she can tell you, but I do think that people mostly have motivations for things that stem from deeper issues than are immediately apparent. And perhaps sitting and talking it over may be able to air some of these and you can both work through them and move past this.

I really hope so. *hugs*

[Beth Andrea]

Something about marriage you may not have realized (but probably do now)...

There's a reason one's partner is called "the better half" (or "the other half"). And why, in most vows, there's a line like, "...and forsaking all others..."

When you're married, your partner is literally like half of your soul. You cannot expect to tell one of them, without the other finding out. It has nothing to do with "keeping secrets"....a marriage is a special bond between two people.

Your mom is actually doing the honorable thing, by advising you prior to letting her husband know. It is a "wedge", until that little thing is in the open.

And yes, it'll likely be tough for you...but until your dad knows (and knows THE WHOLE STORY), you don't *really* know how he's going to respond. If you are afraid for your safety, by all means let your mom know.

[Molly]

My mom arrived home after heading out for a little while, and promptly knocked on my door.  As she was driving to wherever she'd been going, it struck her that as a parent, as my mom, she has to be someone I can trust explicitly, that I can confide in without fear, despite her wanting to discuss what I talk to her about with my stepfather.  And she intends to honor that.  So I guess we can say, trust has been restored.  It was quite a productive hour-long conversation.

Crisis averted?

[Jamie D]

Molly, I don't think it was a huge mistake.  These are hurdles you are going to need to come to grips with eventually.  You will eventually have to interact with your stepfather, scary as that might be.  And you will need to develop a life apart from your comfort zone at home.

I'm sure you can do it.

[Molly]

I have no issue telling my stepfather at some point, it's just that I am not ready to do it now when I am not 100% certain.  This is not something I can unload on him until I have fully come to accept who I am.  He is not the kind of person I can be questioning with; I have to come to him with the answer, and the confidence to support it.  Hence why I start therapy on Thursday with a gender therapist, so I can take steps towards achieving that.

[Constance]

Molly,

Firstly, {{{{{HUGS}}}}}

Secondly, transition is NEVER selfish. Being true to who and what we are is the proper course of action.

That said, transition can have consequences we don't want. I lost my marriage. But I don't consider my transition selfish.

If you have reason to fear your step-father, then you must do what you feel is necessary for your safety. But, you might need to voice this reason to your mother. At the beginning of my transition, my then-wife felt the need for a great deal of support and asked if she could tell her inner circle of friends. I didn't want that happening, but more out of shame than because I feared her friends.

If possible, it might help re-open the dialog with your mother. Yeah, she might need support, but you need support, too. We here can offer some, and it seems you're already moving towards getting a gender therapist. She needs to understand your reservations, or she at least needs to hear them even if she can't understand them.

Communication might not solve all problem, but it's a good starting point.

[Jamie D]

I have no issue telling my stepfather at some point, it's just that I am not ready to do it now when I am not 100% certain.  This is not something I can unload on him until I have fully come to accept who I am.  He is not the kind of person I can be questioning with; I have to come to him with the answer, and the confidence to support it.  Hence why I start therapy on Thursday with a gender therapist, so I can take steps towards achieving that.

Then there is no rush. You seem reasonably sure about your gender identity, but perhaps you are still questioning.  To state to those in whom you confide that you are still in the questioning stage, can do no harm.

[suzifrommd]

Molly,

Not sure if this is obvious or implicit or whatever, but I feel I need to say it.

If any member of your family (e.g. linebacker-sized stepfather) does anything to make you fear for your safety, that's DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. It's illegal and most places have judicial ways to protect yourself from it.

Domestic violence is more than physical threats.
It can mean:'
* Breaking physical objects
* "Hinting" at what might happen
* Implying that your safety at risk
* "Playing around" in ways that impose physical power
* Lots of other things that you and I might not think of.

Almost every place has domestic violence hotlines that will answer your questions and tell you ways to protect yourself.

Please, for your sake, learn the number of your local domestic violence hotline and do not, do not, do not hesitate to use it if you have even the SLIGHTEST concern.

[Molly]

Thanks for the information, agfrommd.  I appreciate the concern.  I am hesitant to discuss anything more about my situation with my stepfather, because it's a rabbit hole I don't really wish to go down on the internet.  But, to keep it vague, back when I was 16 there were a handful of instances in which he lost control of his emotions and my physical safety was put at risk.*  The last time this happened, my school caught wind, and a social worker paid a little visit.  It's fair to say that that scared him straight, because nothing like it has ever happened again.

That said, those handful of times, maybe five at most, shattered any hope for a positive relationship with him, I think.  As much as I can forgive him, it's not something I can forget.  Even seven years later, with all his anger well in check, I still feel a sense of unease any time I am sharing a room with him.  The vast majority of the time, it's hardly noticeable... but nonetheless it's always there, niggling at the back of my mind.

Given the lack of recidivism at this point, I truly doubt anything will happen again.  Admittedly, I have little reason to fear for my safety anymore.  Problem is, fear is rarely logical, and can be a stubborn sonofabitch.  Just one more thing to chat with a therapist about.

*It only happened with me.  Never, ever with my mother or my stepsister.