Not fitting in.

[insideontheoutside]

I'm in my 30's now so I've already been through a lot of "phases" in my life where I tried desperately to fit in with something. I'm pretty over all the nomenclature and definitions and classifications. I'm not transitioning into anything so I'm not worried about a specific medical classification to get any treatments.

Does anyone else feel this way?

I feel like by medical definition I would probably be classed as transsexual or perhaps even intersex on top of that. But I've never defined myself that way. I feel like I've always identified as male. And the older I get the less I feel like I have any sort of connection or understanding with the female world. I feel really out of place when I have to play that role any more, but I have no desire to make some uncomfortable announcement to the world (potentially wrecking my career as well as many other aspects of my life), changing my body by taking hormones, doing any kind of surgery, changing my name ... transition isn't a desire for me at all. I enjoy looking androgynous and thankfully my natural look already is, so if I just be myself, that's it. But it still annoys me sometime that certain times I have to be "female". There's really no way around that because of my own personal choices. I feel like I can relate to a lot of people here and understand what they're going through, but I feel few people can understand what I go though or have been through.

If there's any one else out there that can relate, I'd be happy to talk about it. It's nice just to be able to connect with someone on that level of understanding sometimes.

[DeadBoy]

I think i understand what you're saying. It's hard to live the female role, but for many of us transition is not an option because there is just so much to lose. I really don't connect to the female world either and like most guys I just don't get women. They're just... strange, but that's part of their charm too   When I have to act female it's like I have to follow this uncomfortable rituals I just understand.
Not transitioning does not make one less male. Many transpeople think being yourself has to be the most important think in the world and that nothing else is allowed to matter, but it's okay to put other things as more important.

[Julie Wilson]

I don't know if this will help you at all or not but I am going to go ahead and share my experience since this was posted in the transsexual section of the site.

As humans we tend to be physical and non-physical.  Some people say we are flesh and spirit, I think an easier way of looking at it is we are flesh and thought.

When I was young (before transition) my life was more about thought than substance.  While other people made friends, developed interests, got married, had kids, built careers for themselves...  I was left alone by myself with my thoughts and my non-physical experiences.  I was left-out because the part of me that was physical was wrong and I over-compensated with thinking to make up for it.

I see a lot of that on sites like this (for good reason).  I am reading it in your post too.

After transition there is an adjustment period.  People sometimes take a lot of time just to learn how to fully exist in their flesh after SRS and etc.  Many if not most continue to over-process, over-think, over-compensate, over-analyze and over-anticipate.  I realize this section of my post has nothing to do with what you are talking about but it deserves to be noted.  It is my observation that most people who transition later in life don't adjust, don't fully exist after transition.

I am at the point where I fully exist in my flesh.  The only opposition that I have comes from other people who believe I am something other than what I am.  I am a woman, I have always been female.  No god ever answered my prayers and I had to take my destiny into my own hands and nurture it along but I arrived a while ago and made this body and this life my home.

Because of this I do a lot more existing and a lot less thinking.  My life is my own.  I don't need to ponder my existence anymore.  Transition was a way to have a life, a way to put an end to over-compensation.

Now like others I am a physical being.  I was already familiar with the non-physical aspects of my being now I am whole.  Transition is a means to become a whole person.  I believe in more primitive times trans people were considered shamans or spiritual people because they were stuck with their non-physical lives.  Then there are those who manage to make a place for themselves as they are.  Transition was my salvation, so much so that I never even really understood what a salvation it was until after the fact.

[insideontheoutside]

Not transitioning does not make one less male. Many transpeople think being yourself has to be the most important think in the world and that nothing else is allowed to matter, but it's okay to put other things as more important.

I see more of the "not transitioning makes you less male" type of thought in the greater "community" at large, but at least on this site people are more accepting of it. There's plenty of people that don't understand it though, just as there's plenty of people who don't understand there are some things that are more important to individuals. But everyone's different.

I don't know if this will help you at all or not but I am going to go ahead and share my experience since this was posted in the transsexual section of the site.

As humans we tend to be physical and non-physical.  Some people say we are flesh and spirit, I think an easier way of looking at it is we are flesh and thought.

When I was young (before transition) my life was more about thought than substance.  While other people made friends, developed interests, got married, had kids, built careers for themselves...  I was left alone by myself with my thoughts and my non-physical experiences.  I was left-out because the part of me that was physical was wrong and I over-compensated with thinking to make up for it.

I see a lot of that on sites like this (for good reason).  I am reading it in your post too.

Because of this I do a lot more existing and a lot less thinking.  My life is my own.  I don't need to ponder my existence anymore.  Transition was a way to have a life, a way to put an end to over-compensation.

Now like others I am a physical being.  I was already familiar with the non-physical aspects of my being now I am whole.  Transition is a means to become a whole person.  I believe in more primitive times trans people were considered shamans or spiritual people because they were stuck with their non-physical lives.  Then there are those who manage to make a place for themselves as they are.  Transition was my salvation, so much so that I never even really understood what a salvation it was until after the fact.

Interesting take on it. Living vicariously though my imagination is something I still do to this day, but it's actually served me so well in life that I basically make a living off my imagination and creativity. It's something I've always done and is intrinsic to my being so naturally I would apply to areas of my physical self or life that I was unhappy with over time.

I've seen a documentary on the shaman/spiritual/trans connection.

[Julie Wilson]

I think a lot of people who were born into my situation became "creative" and/or overcompensated.  I spent so much time drawing, writing, painting that my father forced me to go to art school.  I lived in my own little world and was told I lived in my own world frequently.  But I have always wanted to live in the world that other people share, make friends, fall in love, maybe even marry.  I have an art degree that I have never used.  All of the artwork I did has someone else's name on it now.  I am happier now.