Fear has continued to hold me back and I just feel alone in certain things

[Stewie]

This whole year has been pretty much a rollercoaster of emotions. I thought that I had things figured out, but then everything became enormously overwhelming and I basically told myself that I wasn't trans. Then a few months later, I told everyone that I am trans but I just needed time. This time, things were a bit easier. Again, my family was accepting. And so was my partner. They continue to support me with everything. But then it happened. I got scared. I had a bad experience with a therapist. I bought a binder for the first time (tri-top) and it was the worst experience of my life. I felt like the life was being squeezed out of me. I THOUGHT I had gotten the right size. Apparently not. Either way, that pretty much scared me and I said to myself that it just wasn't worth it because I have such an incredibly large chest I also told myself that I didn't want to become a different person. I like the person I am. And I didn't want to lose that. So again, I told everyone that I am just a lesbian. Apart from all of that I was EXTREMELY scared of losing the only identity I have known for so long. And that's being part of the lesbian community. I mean I identified as a lesbian for so long it just feels like I'm losing that. But I look at myself in the mirror and don't like looking like a butch lesbian. I want to walk into the men's department and find clothes that fit! That don't look like a woman is wearing them. 

Lately I have been so blind to everything. Like I made a comment the other day and my partner said, "You're such a guy sometimes!". I liked when she said that. And then when I was thinking of us getting married I was thinking how we would be wife and wife. But in the back of my mind I kept thinking to myself that husband and wife sounded better. Up until now, this has all just been playing in the back of my mind and pretty much I haven't given any of it much thought.

Then it happened. I was exhausted yesterday and I just fell asleep in the middle of the day. Next thing I know I was dreaming that I was a man. It wasn't about being trans, it wasn't about that at all. I was just me. I was a man and I was so happy with my partner. She and I were together and we had a baby and it felt so incredibly right. Now I feel like my world is being turned upside down again. I just feel like I have to learn to accept I'm trans and that it's going to take time to adjust to everything.

I'm still embarrassed about pronouns. I can't really adjust to switching yet. I don't know how. I feel different from other trans people because I don't have this "Hate" for my body like SOME not all, do. Being trans is so hard. I just hate how difficult it is gonna make my life. But at this point I have to stop this little game I have going on with my mind. Because it isn't fair to anyone. It isn't fair to myself. I need to go to therapy. And I need to learn how to take things a step at a time because usually I think of everything all at once and it just screws with me.

I'm writing this because I just need to vent, and I guess it is nice to have others to relate to. Thanks for anyone who reads this and I'd love for input/advice. Anything really.

[insideontheoutside]

Here's my take just on reading what you've said.

Unlike a lot of other people on here, you have people in your life that seem to accept you however your decide you are. That's a big help.

It sounds like you're feeling this is some all-or-nothing type of thing. It's not really. Some people may say you HAVE TO transition to be trans, but I don't believe that. There's a whole hell of a lot of variation in humans in general, why not in levels of "trans-ness"? Why not do a bit of non-committal experimenting with things you DO feel comfortable with? I've seen a lot of people who take years to decide they even want to get on hormones. It's not a race. On the flipside, there's people like me who have chosen not to actually go through transition as well.

One thing I've learned about myself over time is that I'm the one that can usually make things most difficult for myself. It's not outside influences, it's me. Don't try so hard to make yourself fit in a certain box. Just be you and be comfortable with yourself. If you find through your small experimentation that new things are making you comfortable, run with it. It could be small stupid stuff like wearing mens underwear as opposed to women's. Having your partner use a male pronoun on you now and then. Things like that.

I also have to comment that binders are hellish. For me, it's a fine line between wearing one and just wanting to be comfortable. Luckily I don't have a huge chest and I can get by with a velcro one. And I don't have it on so tight that it flattens me like a board because I've just learned over time what my own personal comfort level is between my natural chest and my seen-by-the-world chest.

[Stewie]

I'm done trying to identify with every trans person. If I did it would drive me crazy. I don't hate my body. I want a male body. Basically I want facial hair, deeper voice, flat chest. But those things are for me and no one else. And yes you are right. I do have the support and that is spectacular. My partner has been spectacular in that she did switch pronouns like nothing. I am lucky and I know it. That's why I am done with the flip-flop. I need to get myself to a therapist.

I'd love to start on T. But I know I need to talk to someone first and make sense of my world.

Oh and yeah I know the minor things matter. I do use men's underwear. Love it. Feels better. IDK how but it just does. My plans are simple. Exercise. I may not have money for surgery or anything like that but I can try and make my chest smaller. That will help when I try to bind again. And I'm definitely going for something that's velcro. No underworks for me. I have been officially traumatized by them.

[Traivs]

When I first started binding I had to use a velcro one like my binder from T-kindom but eventually I got to the point i could use the tri-top which i actually like better now its all about finding what works for you. Though i will admit the first few times i put on my tri-top it was a pain to get both in and out of mostly cause i wasn't used to it. Good luck and just be yourself trust me it will make you a lot happier.

[Jamie D]

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[Stewie]

When I first started binding I had to use a velcro one like my binder from T-kindom but eventually I got to the point i could use the tri-top which i actually like better now its all about finding what works for you. Though i will admit the first few times i put on my tri-top it was a pain to get both in and out of mostly cause i wasn't used to it. Good luck and just be yourself trust me it will make you a lot happier.

Thanks. That's what I have to do. Just learn to be and accept myself.

Welcome to Susan's Place, darkwolf.

I see you have jumped in with both feet!

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I will. I apologize if I did anything incorrect in the forum

[Traivs]

"Thanks. That's what I have to do. Just learn to be and accept myself."
Glad to help

[Jamie D]

Thanks. That's what I have to do. Just learn to be and accept myself.
I will. I apologize if I did anything incorrect in the forum

You're fine.

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