Ok. My letter from the court came a few days ago with my court date for my name change and my family told me I got a letter, but no one would respond when I asked them what it said. I need to know the date of my court appearance in order to schedule doctor's appointments and other things I need to do in the small window of time I left in which to do all that. Between that and other problems that are coming up with the craziness that is the end of the school year, I was in a very frustrated mood that actually required a talk with the school guidance counselor and being given a stress ball to squeeze during class so as to keep my cool in front of my students (this is extremely rare for me as I tend to be a very emotionally cool person).
During this time in which I was trying very hard to control my emotions (and I think I did a very good job of it, on the surface), I wrote a fairly strongly worded e-mail to my mother demanding to know why no one will tell me when my court date is. My little sister wrote me a Facebook message back. Here's my reply. I warn you, I had way too much fun with it and so it is dripping with unabashed intellectual attitude that gets worse as it goes. Yes, I was being a dick, but it did make it oh so much more entertaining to write and I hope entertaining to read.
My sister is in red and I'm in blue.
I haven't been on Facebook in 2 days, so don't be sending mom emails and ->-bleeped-<- like that. It's not her fault.
She had the letter. She knew it was important and time sensitive. She made no effort to get me the LEGAL information. That's just not common courtesy. So when I have a million things to do in the next week with wrapping up the school year, packing up my house, moving across the country, and getting all this stuff done before starting my summer job, someone who's making it unnecessarily harder is going to get a frustrated e-mail.
Leave her alone if you're just going to swear at her like that. She's been depressed and stressed out as it is lately, she doesn't need you emailing her ->-bleeped-<- like your aunt and uncle have been to her for years. You might as well change your last name to [mother's maiden name].
Yes. Use your own mother's maiden name (the one she still has on Facebook) as an insult while attempting to defend her. Smart.
No one knows why it's so important to change your name this urgently.
I've got a life to get started. As you yourself have pointed out, not all people take very kindly to transgendered individuals. The good news is, no one needs to know I'm transgender. I pass pretty much 100% right now and once my voice changes on hormones, I WILL pass 100%. The only thing outing me is my name. It is a dangerous world out there, as you pointed out, so do I really want to be someone who looks and acts very clearly male with a name like [birth name]. It's a matter of survival, which you seem to be advocating for here.
If you aren't going to message mom anything nice, leave her alone. You're already hurting her enough acting like this.
Because everything I do in life I do just to hurt my mother? Interesting supposition, but wrong. I live my life the way I know I need to live it. Yes, for me, that generally involves a lot of exploration and definitely involves a wide range of interests. But my interests are my own. I'm not forcing anyone else to do anything with me. Why you all insist on using every interest I've had since I was in elementary school as a weapon against me as if liking many different things is somehow a fault, I'll never know. I always thought being well-rounded was supposed to be a good thing. Perhaps just not in our family of people who prefer to do nothing and care about nothing. Oh wait. That's not our family. It's just you and mom. Dad is obsessed with horseshoes, was into table tennis for awhile so strongly he built two tables in our garage, got really religious himself when he went to prison, bought a motorcycle and got his motorcycle license spur of the moment, etc.
You go through these phases like it's nothing. You go from one extreme to another. Extreme Atheist, Obsessed with the military, which you didn't have the guts to join,
I'm sorry, I laughed out loud at that one. I still like the military, btw, but the fact that my ovaries are full of cysts counts as a medical disqualification. No lack of guts required. Also, I believe it was mom who encouraged me not to join the military and to go to college instead. So really you're attempting to insult me for the exact thing you're also attempting to get me to do– listen to mom. Interesting paradox.
then you "wanted to be a boy" again in college. Trying to be Brian.
So you're admitting you knew about my feelings before last year? Perhaps you should tell mom and dad that, as they seem to think I'm rushing into this because I just thought about it for the first time last year. You can either use my previous expression of my gender identity against me or you can pretend it never happened and use THAT supposed fact against me. You can't do both.
Then you wanted to be a nun. you didn't follow through with that either did you?
Well that would have been illogical as my swing to religion was a direct opposite reaction to my understanding of my gender identity. You seem to think I have no idea of the severity of my decision and the negative consequences associated with it in the minds of the majority of society. I present my wanting to be a nun as piece of evidence number one that I do in fact understand it and that I did EVERYTHING in my power, even the extreme of wanting to lock myself away in a convent, to avoid facing my true gender identity. I wanted to be a nun because I knew I couldn't function as a "normal" female in society but was afraid to face the alternative of going through gender change. It was a desperate attempt at escape. One I knew the entire time wouldn't work, yet attempted anyway because I did recognize the magnamity of this decision. It was a vital step in my growth as a person and my discovery of self-knowledge. I am not ashamed of it, nor do I regret it. It helped me become who I am and I am glad I had that stage in my growth. I still don't understand why you seem to think any growth or change is a bad thing. I always thought it was a good thing to be different as a 25-year-old than you were when you were in middle school... You have to realize I see these stages in my development as vital pieces of my self-growth. I don't regret a single one of them. I'm not embarrassed by a single one of them. They were all great learning experiences that helped shape me into the knowledgeable, well-rounded individual I am today. You really need to stop using them as insults, because they are repeatedly falling flat in that regard.
Then you wanted to be a Jew, and were obsessed with that.
Still am a Jew. Your point?
Then a karate master, and you didn't do anything with that either.
I believe that would have something to do with moving to a place where the nearest karate class is an hour's drive away, but what do I know? I mean, it's not like I'm planning on taking that up again when I get back or that I'm still practicing and still in contact with my instructor or anything like that... Oh, wait. I am.
You just don't know who you want to be, and you need to relax yourself.
Yes. Because if you don't know the ONE thing in the entire world you want to like (because, as everyone knows, each person is only allowed to be interested in one thing over the course of their lives) the smart thing to do is just sit on your ass and do nothing while complaining about all the stuff everyone else likes. Thank you for showing me the way, oh wise, angsty teenager.
Stop going from extremes and through all these phases. It's just making you seem crazy. Stick with something.
Again, I refer you to the above.
What happens when you destroy your body with all these stupid hormones and cutting off your tits, and you decide in 3 years it was a mistake.. Think about your future for once, you always seem to just live in the present.
I'm sorry, I have trouble taking seriously people who use the word "tits" while attempting to sound intelligent. And again, I've been thinking about this pretty much non-stop for the past seven and a half years. While I was sitting in a Catholic church, I was thinking about it. While I was becoming Jewish, I was thinking about it. While I was in karate class, I was thinking about it. You seem to labor under the impression I can only do one thing at a time and that everything else in my life ceases to exist at that moment. I assure you, I have the ability to hold more than one thought and interest in my head at a time.
You think that people are so acceptant to transgendered/transsexual people, but they aren't okay? I took 3 classes about it and it's not as accepted as you think it is. The people who are your "friends" who you meet on the internet aren't your friends. They live 1,000s of miles away from you and aren't there to support you, your family IS. And right now you're making it really hard for us to do that.
My family has never supported me in anything they didn't like or didn't understand. That's why I try my best to keep my interests, thoughts, and feelings to myself. And I do have friends who live closer than 1000s of miles away. Just because I don't feel the need to go out every single night and engage in mindless whateveryoudo, does not mean my only friends live 1000s of miles away. I've gotten more support in this from my friends here in New Mexico including our Catholic nun principal, Shayna and Brandon and a few others in New Hampshire, and, surprisingly even to me, the management staff at [summer job], than I ever got from you or mom. And I never said I think people are so accepting of transgendered people. See my response to the nun thing above.
Get a clue [birth name], the real world isn't like [college I attended], or your little Indian reservation. You've been away from the real world for too long.
Yes. Because Indian Reservations aren't REALLY full of poverty and alcoholism. That's just propaganda. They're actually full of rainbows and unicorns. Suburban New Hampshire, on the other hand– that's where the real hard knock life is at. Thank you for pointing out how utterly out of touch with reality I've been.
Are you even thinking about your future career? No school is going to hire a transgender over a normal man or woman. They won't want you around the kids because society isn't ready for that. And even if you did get a degree to teach blind kids so "they won't judge you" Their parents WILL.
Again, you don't seem to understand my motivations. I don't remember ever saying anything about how blind kids won't judge me. That seems to be some rationalization you've come up with to explain why you think I might do something based on your understanding of why you might do something. It can't have anything to do with the fact I find the topic fascinating and have wanted to do it since high school. No, that wouldn't fit with your view of me as the flighty, brainless idiot. So it must naturally be wrong. And again, I already pass pretty much 100%. Add hormones and a name change and my students parents won't need to know that bit of my medical history any more than they'll need to know I had my wisdom teeth removed in high school.
And I don't care if you delete me on Facebook. You've done it hundreds of times before. It just shows you don't have the courage to stand up to your little sister or anyone's criticism.
Really. I thought it was because you were doing stupid stuff like posting yourself giving the middle finger or writing posts that made me feel like I was related to wangsta-wannabe trash and I didn't feel like looking at that reminder every day. But maybe it is because I lack courage. Who really knows?
You can't delete the people who are going to be taunting and harassing you for your changes, and I know how easily you cry. Get ready for it, because it's never going to stop, no matter how acceptant society is, they're not.
Well, seeing as how I'm not in 3rd grade and these aren't playground bullies, I think I can deal with it without crying. Perhaps a harassment lawsuit? A restraining order? Yes. Those will work nicely if I ever do meet anyone who for some reason knows my past (which I doubt very many people will) and is enough of an idiot to break the law just to "taunt" me. Maybe I will roll over and cry about it because god knows how much I care what idiots like that think. Or maybe I've grown up enough and experienced enough and gone through a sufficient number of periods of growth and exploration to know who I am (part of who I am being someone who's going to continue to explore and gain new interests all the time), know what I need to do to live a life that is natural for me, and be confident in myself and my choices even if other people don't understand. Just maybe.
