Ok.  My letter from the court came a few days ago with my court date for my name change and my family told me I got a letter, but no one would respond when I asked them what it said.  I need to know the date of my court appearance in order to schedule doctor's appointments and other things I need to do in the small window of time I left in which to do all that.  Between that and other problems that are coming up with the craziness that is the end of the school year, I was in a very frustrated mood that actually required a talk with the school guidance counselor and being given a stress ball to squeeze during class so as to keep my cool in front of my students (this is extremely rare for me as I tend to be a very emotionally cool person). 

During this time in which I was trying very hard to control my emotions (and I think I did a very good job of it, on the surface), I wrote a fairly strongly worded e-mail to my mother demanding to know why no one will tell me when my court date is.  My little sister wrote me a Facebook message back.  Here's my reply.  I warn you, I had way too much fun with it and so it is dripping with unabashed intellectual attitude that gets worse as it goes.  Yes, I was being a dick, but it did make it oh so much more entertaining to write and I hope entertaining to read.

My sister is in red and I'm in blue.

I haven't been on Facebook in 2 days, so don't be sending mom emails and ->-bleeped-<- like that. It's not her fault.
She had the letter.  She knew it was important and time sensitive.  She made no effort to get me the LEGAL information.  That's just not common courtesy.  So when I have a million things to do in the next week with wrapping up the school year, packing up my house, moving across the country, and getting all this stuff done before starting my summer job, someone who's making it unnecessarily harder is going to get a frustrated e-mail.

Leave her alone if you're just going to swear at her like that. She's been depressed and stressed out as it is lately, she doesn't need you emailing her ->-bleeped-<- like your aunt and uncle have been to her for years. You might as well change your last name to [mother's maiden name].
Yes.  Use your own mother's maiden name (the one she still has on Facebook) as an insult while attempting to defend her.  Smart.

No one knows why it's so important to change your name this urgently.
I've got a life to get started.  As you yourself have pointed out, not all people take very kindly to transgendered individuals.  The good news is, no one needs to know I'm transgender.  I pass pretty much 100% right now and once my voice changes on hormones, I WILL pass 100%.  The only thing outing me is my name.  It is a dangerous world out there, as you pointed out, so do I really want to be someone who looks and acts very clearly male with a name like [birth name].  It's a matter of survival, which you seem to be advocating for here.

If you aren't going to message mom anything nice, leave her alone. You're already hurting her enough acting like this.
Because everything I do in life I do just to hurt my mother?  Interesting supposition, but wrong.  I live my life the way I know I need to live it.  Yes, for me, that generally involves a lot of exploration and definitely involves a wide range of interests.  But my interests are my own.  I'm not forcing anyone else to do anything with me.  Why you all insist on using every interest I've had since I was in elementary school as a weapon against me as if liking many different things is somehow a fault, I'll never know.  I always thought being well-rounded was supposed to be a good thing.  Perhaps just not in our family of people who prefer to do nothing and care about nothing.  Oh wait.  That's not our family.  It's just you and mom.  Dad is obsessed with horseshoes, was into table tennis for awhile so strongly he built two tables in our garage, got really religious himself when he went to prison, bought a motorcycle and got his motorcycle license spur of the moment, etc.

You go through these phases like it's nothing. You go from one extreme to another. Extreme Atheist, Obsessed with the military, which you didn't have the guts to join,
I'm sorry, I laughed out loud at that one.  I still like the military, btw, but the fact that my ovaries are full of cysts counts as a medical disqualification.  No lack of guts required.  Also, I believe it was mom who encouraged me not to join the military and to go to college instead.  So really you're attempting to insult me for the exact thing you're also attempting to get me to do– listen to mom.  Interesting paradox.

then you "wanted to be a boy" again in college. Trying to be Brian.
So you're admitting you knew about my feelings before last year?  Perhaps you should tell mom and dad that, as they seem to think I'm rushing into this because I just thought about it for the first time last year.  You can either use my previous expression of my gender identity against me or you can pretend it never happened and use THAT supposed fact against me.  You can't do both.

Then you wanted to be a nun. you didn't follow through with that either did you?
Well that would have been illogical as my swing to religion was a direct opposite reaction to my understanding of my gender identity.  You seem to think I have no idea of the severity of my decision and the negative consequences associated with it in the minds of the majority of society.  I present my wanting to be a nun as piece of evidence number one that I do in fact understand it and that I did EVERYTHING in my power, even the extreme of wanting to lock myself away in a convent, to avoid facing my true gender identity.  I wanted to be a nun because I knew I couldn't function as a "normal" female in society but was afraid to face the alternative of going through gender change.  It was a desperate attempt at escape.  One I knew the entire time wouldn't work, yet attempted anyway because I did recognize the magnamity of this decision.  It was a vital step in my growth as a person and my discovery of self-knowledge.  I am not ashamed of it, nor do I regret it.  It helped me become who I am and I am glad I had that stage in my growth.  I still don't understand why you seem to think any growth or change is a bad thing.  I always thought it was a good thing to be different as a 25-year-old than you were when you were in middle school...  You have to realize I see these stages in my development as vital pieces of my self-growth.  I don't regret a single one of them.  I'm not embarrassed by a single one of them.  They were all great learning experiences that helped shape me into the knowledgeable, well-rounded individual I am today.  You really need to stop using them as insults, because they are repeatedly falling flat in that regard.

Then you wanted to be a Jew, and were obsessed with that.
Still am a Jew.  Your point?

Then a karate master, and you didn't do anything with that either.
I believe that would have something to do with moving to a place where the nearest karate class is an hour's drive away, but what do I know?  I mean, it's not like I'm planning on taking that up again when I get back or that I'm still practicing and still in contact with my instructor or anything like that...  Oh, wait.  I am.

You just don't know who you want to be, and you need to relax yourself.
Yes.  Because if you don't know the ONE thing in the entire world you want to like (because, as everyone knows, each person is only allowed to be interested in one thing over the course of their lives) the smart thing to do is just sit on your ass and do nothing while complaining about all the stuff everyone else likes.  Thank you for showing me the way, oh wise, angsty teenager.

Stop going from extremes and through all these phases. It's just making you seem crazy. Stick with something.
Again, I refer you to the above.

What happens when you destroy your body with all these stupid hormones and cutting off your tits, and you decide in 3 years it was a mistake.. Think about your future for once, you always seem to just live in the present.
I'm sorry, I have trouble taking seriously people who use the word "tits" while attempting to sound intelligent.  And again, I've been thinking about this pretty much non-stop for the past seven and a half years.  While I was sitting in a Catholic church, I was thinking about it.  While I was becoming Jewish, I was thinking about it.  While I was in karate class, I was thinking about it.  You seem to labor under the impression I can only do one thing at a time and that everything else in my life ceases to exist at that moment.  I assure you, I have the ability to hold more than one thought and interest in my head at a time.

You think that people are so acceptant to transgendered/transsexual people, but they aren't okay? I took 3 classes about it and it's not as accepted as you think it is. The people who are your "friends" who you meet on the internet aren't your friends. They live 1,000s of miles away from you and aren't there to support you, your family IS. And right now you're making it really hard for us to do that.
My family has never supported me in anything they didn't like or didn't understand.  That's why I try my best to keep my interests, thoughts, and feelings to myself.  And I do have friends who live closer than 1000s of miles away.  Just because I don't feel the need to go out every single night and engage in mindless whateveryoudo, does not mean my only friends live 1000s of miles away.  I've gotten more support in this from my friends here in New Mexico including our Catholic nun principal, Shayna and Brandon and a few others in New Hampshire, and, surprisingly even to me, the management staff at [summer job], than I ever got from you or mom.  And I never said I think people are so accepting of transgendered people.  See my response to the nun thing above.

Get a clue [birth name], the real world isn't like [college I attended], or your little Indian reservation. You've been away from the real world for too long.
Yes.  Because Indian Reservations aren't REALLY full of poverty and alcoholism.  That's just propaganda.  They're actually full of rainbows and unicorns.  Suburban New Hampshire, on the other hand– that's where the real hard knock life is at.  Thank you for pointing out how utterly out of touch with reality I've been.

Are you even thinking about your future career? No school is going to hire a transgender over a normal man or woman. They won't want you around the kids because society isn't ready for that. And even if you did get a degree to teach blind kids so "they won't judge you" Their parents WILL.
Again, you don't seem to understand my motivations.  I don't remember ever saying anything about how blind kids won't judge me.  That seems to be some rationalization you've come up with to explain why you think I might do something based on your  understanding of why you might do something.  It can't have anything to do with the fact I find the topic fascinating and have wanted to do it since high school.  No, that wouldn't fit with your view of me as the flighty, brainless idiot.  So it must naturally be wrong.  And again, I already pass pretty much 100%.  Add hormones and a name change and my students parents won't need to know that bit of my medical history any more than they'll need to know I had my wisdom teeth removed in high school.

And I don't care if you delete me on Facebook. You've done it hundreds of times before. It just shows you don't have the courage to stand up to your little sister or anyone's criticism.
Really.  I thought it was because you were doing stupid stuff like posting yourself giving the middle finger or writing posts that made me feel like I was related to wangsta-wannabe trash and I didn't feel like looking at that reminder every day.  But maybe it is because I lack courage.  Who really knows?

You can't delete the people who are going to be taunting and harassing you for your changes, and I know how easily you cry. Get ready for it, because it's never going to stop, no matter how acceptant society is, they're not.
Well, seeing as how I'm not in 3rd grade and these aren't playground bullies, I think I can deal with it without crying.  Perhaps a harassment lawsuit?  A restraining order?  Yes.  Those will work nicely if I ever do meet anyone who for some reason knows my past (which I doubt very many people will) and is enough of an idiot to break the law just to "taunt" me.  Maybe I will roll over and cry about it because god knows how much I care what idiots like that think.  Or maybe I've grown up enough and experienced enough and gone through a sufficient number of periods of growth and exploration to know who I am (part of who I am being someone who's going to continue to explore and gain new interests all the time), know what I need to do to live a life that is natural for me, and be confident in myself and my choices even if other people don't understand.  Just maybe.

It sounds like they are trying to stop you changing your name, by holding onto the letter.  That is really ->-bleeped-<-ty. Sounds like some of your family is really struggling with your transition. In some ways all those arguments are a red herring, we transition regardless of these things as to do otherwise is pain.

My advice - ask her why she is so opposed to you transitioning. What is she losing, how does it make her feel. Her feelings are valid even if they are negative. Some of it will be rooted in transphobia. If you can bring it out, maybe you can better help her deal with it (that is if you want to help her deal with it)

In the meantime perhaps you could bypass them and ring the courts to see when your date is.

Hugs.

ENTP humor. :') I love it.

If you're interested in reading something shorter and slightly more polite (perhaps a bit too polite), here's my original e-mail to my mother that prompted that, my mother's response, and my response to her response.  My response is a bit more formally worded than is usual for me, although I do tend to write much more formally than most on average, so it's not that far off for me.  I think the formal wording was done more as a showing of regret for the much more emotionally worded first e-mail, although to be fair, reading it over again now, I feel like her e-mail was a bit of an over-reaction... 

PS-- I know this is really mean to say right now, but I still can't believe this woman got a college degree and graduated with a higher GPA than me...  Ok...  Mean comments about my mother done...

Me blue, mother red.

Could you please just tell me my ->-bleeped-<-ing court date?  I don't care if you're mad at me.  This isn't a game.  I need to know when I have to be in court so I can see if [doctor] can reschedule my appointment before my insurance runs out and I need to do that today.  So please just tell me it.

First off,    Dont talk to me like that!    You never asked in the 1st place so I am not withholding anything.   2nd  you are a grown up  take care of your own friggin business. I AM DONE!

Your attitude SUCKS.     Do your own dirty work.     

Ask any of your sisters or your father  the notice has been here for 3 days.   

I asked both your sisters to tell you  and if they didn't  NOT MY PROBLEM!

You need to readjust you attitude and remember who your are talking too!   


I believe I owe you an apology for the e-mail I wrote yesterday. I realize that I did not ask you before for the information in the letter and should not have allowed what has become an uncharacteristic emotional outburst to be the first message I sent you about it. Being out here leaves me isolated and totally dependent on others for information vital to the effective running of my life. The lack of communication regarding these important pieces of information after multiple attempts to receive it left me feeling helpless. In the frustration of end-of-the-year tasks and getting ready to move cross country, as well as the fear that certain important things won't get done, I allowed the feelings of isolation and helplessness to get the better of me. I will do my best to keep my emotions under control in the future and not misdirect my frustration to where it doesn't belong. I apologize.

That said, I hope you realize that grown up or not, my legal address is your house until I move into Lisa's house. We had an understanding when I left that important documents will go to that address to avoid getting lost in the lack of mail system we have here. I understand you're upset with my decisions, but until I can change my legal address and be physically present in New Hampshire to retrieve my important legal documents myself, I have no choice to be completely dependent on you to make sure I know what I need to know to manage my life from here. As I said, this leaves me fairly helpless and when a lot of things need to get done in a short amount of time, lack of communication that leads to delays in getting those things done is sure to send me into a bit of a panic. I'm sure you can understand this. It was from this sense of panic, and not a "bad attitude", that the e-mail was sent.

I look forward to being present in New Hampshire and thus no longer being dependent on you or anyone else for these necessities, but I'm going to require your cooperation in the meantime as I get everything transferred over during the course of the next few weeks. I hope you will consider the logic of my statement and the necessity of your help for this process to be completed successfully. I will increase my efforts to avoid emotional outburst in the future and I hope that with your cooperation, I will no longer have to feel the sense of panic which prompted the previous outburst. I apologize again for my previous e-mail and I still hope we'll eventually be able to talk respectfully and productively about the events of the past several months and what is to come.

Quote from: gender police on May 18, 2012, 11:32:56 PM
ENTP humor. :') I love it.

You know I'm an ENTP?

Hi Devin,

I'm sorry your mom and sister are being so disrespectful and close-minded.  I hope you'll be able to sort things out with them at some point.  In the meantime, can you call the court to check when your date and time is? Also, is there any way you can get a PO box? I don't know your location/situation but it's just a thought.

Quote from: MalcolmAllen on May 19, 2012, 12:05:01 AM
Hi Devin,

I'm sorry your mom and sister are being so disrespectful and close-minded.  I hope you'll be able to sort things out with them at some point.  In the meantime, can you call the court to check when your date and time is? Also, is there any way you can get a PO box? I don't know your location/situation but it's just a thought.

Oh, I did eventually find it out.  I had my dad, who's being much more mature about this despite being the most racist, bigoted Republican I know, go over there a few hours ago, look at the letter, and text me the information even though he doesn't even live in that house.  At least I know I can count on one person in that area.  For now, at least.

I do have a PO Box, but the boxes around here switch owners so much and the post office isn't the most reliable, so I don't trust having really important things sent there.  Plus I had to use my legal address for the court because it's a county court and I had to show I'm a resident of the county or they wouldn't hear my case.

Ah OK.  Makes perfect sense, thanks for clarifying.  Best of luck to you with everything.  Parents can be pretty vicious when you're doing something they don't agree with.  My boyfriend desperately wants to drop out of college because he has terrible anxiety and the stress is literally gonna put him in the grave eventually but his folks said if he drops out or takes less classes they'd cut off his meds (which he could die if he stopped taking them suddenly).  I don't understand how anyone could be this mean spirited towards their children but all you can do is deal accordingly and do your best to eventually cut toxic people out of your life.  On the other hand, congrats on the court date! One step further for you.

Quote from: Devin87 on May 18, 2012, 11:43:49 PM
You know I'm an ENTP?

I remember you mentioning it a while ago in a different thread. I think ENTPs are hilarious and awesome so it's not something I forget. The eclectic interests your sister mentioned are a strong indication of ENTP as well.

I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that. :/ And your sister... I don't know how old she is, but she seems so immature. @_@;

Luckily you got the info you needed, so I'm glad things turned out good for you!

First off, your sister is being desperately ignorant in my opinion, and I hope you don't take offense to me thinking that because regardless of everything that is going on she still is your sister.
Secondly, acceptant isn't a word and it was sort of funny that she didn't even realize that while attempting to make a point - but it's weird how she didn't even cite a situation where she directly heard someone slander someone else for taking the steps to transition.

Quote from: JasonRX on May 19, 2012, 10:23:45 AM
First off, your sister is being desperately ignorant in my opinion, and I hope you don't take offense to me thinking that because regardless of everything that is going on she still is your sister.
Secondly, acceptant isn't a word and it was sort of funny that she didn't even realize that while attempting to make a point - but it's weird how she didn't even cite a situation where she directly heard someone slander someone else for taking the steps to transition.

I was thinking that same thing.  And with all her talk of how people will "taunt and harrass" me, I can't remember a single instance in my entire life in which I was taunted or harrassed for my beliefs, interests, gender identity or any of the other things the says makes me look crazy by anyone outside my own family.  The members of my family seem to use those things to taunt and harrass me constantly, but for society having such a predisposition to do so constantly and never stop, I've had zero experiences with that kind of behavior from anyone not directly related to me.