Sorry for sticking my nose in here.
Hon, you're not doing anything to them. However they're feeling, they're doing it to themselves. People often create an image of a person in their heads which allow them to relate and interact with them. For parents, that's often a case of how they want their kids to grow up in their heads. See, they sort of have a plan when they set out and your you're a crying li'l snotball who needs diapers changed and constant feeding.
My kid is gonna be the next president / lead ballerina / astronaut / eminent brain surgeon etc.
Siblings also get an image of who they think you are in their heads, because for them it goes some way to defining who they think they are.
And anything which goes against this can be hard for them to deal with, because it comes down to reconciling who you are with who they want you to be, or with questioning who they they themselves are. What you have to understand is that if you're not happy following their life script, if it's not fundamentally who you are, then you simply aren't going to be that person no matter how much they, or you, may want it. You could look like the perfect example of who everyone thinks you should be, but if inside you're withdrawn, a hollow shell too scared and unhappy with yourself to ever actually live your life, then what's the point? It amounts to the same thing... you're little more than a sculpture created by those around you, something to be applauded for being created, but never actually having the capacity to feel.
Your guilt seems to be coming from the thought that you're making a conscious choice to be the way you are, that it's something you have control over and if you could stop then everyone would be happy. You feel like you're doing it deliberately to hurt people because you can see how it makes others feel and blame yourself for it. Whether you can live in that role everyone has created for you, whether it is a choice is something only you can answer. Everyone has to find that answer in their own way. A lot of people try a sort of 'last gasp' attempt to find out if they really can live the way others expect them to. Just to be sure. If that's what you feel you need to do, hon, then I'm not going to tell you not to. If you absolutely can't deal with it, then at least you will know that no amount of expecting you to be, or even you wanting to be a model daughter is ever going to make you into one, if you're actually a son. And that may remove the feeling of "what if" that you have, and take away some of the guilt you're feeling.
When all's said and done, your parents may have given you life, but you are the only one who can live it.
