Lost and Lonely in Texas, and confused beyond belief

[Shawn Sunshine]

Hello from Texas, I am hurting and I need alot questions answered and I don't know where to begin.

I have a very strange and painful life especially as a child but as an adult it has been just back forth between being happy and miserable with everything that I do. I was abused by my mom and my step dad, mostly emotionally but sometimes physically. It has taken years for me to forgive my parents for the things that happened. I grew up in a boys ranch since my parents got divorced when I was 11. I spent most of my life being treated for schizophrenia, when in fact I was never that way, only as an adult was I finally able to get a real diagnosis that they think I am Bi Polar , after being on the wrong meds for so many years it took its toll.

The reason I joined these forums, is because I have no idea who I really am anymore as far as my gender is concerned. I have been comfortable being a male at times and other times I have been completely sick and just wanted my parts gone and to actually live as female. But I did not start to really think about this until I dressed up as a woman in public for Halloween and went to work as a woman in all practical sense. I worked in a movie theater and I even stood out in line waving at people as they came in and the manager thought it was terrific.

This was 1995. Before that I dressed in female clothing while my neighbor dressed as a male and we went to a party together. This was 1991.

When I was 15 and living at the boys ranch my roommate and I took turns magically transforming ourselves into women and kissed each other.
But I was always attracted to women and still am even though I kissed him. But traveling back in time further when I was 10 I used to wear my moms pantyhose when she wasn't home or dad wasn't home and I was sure I could do it. I remember how it felt so wonderful to wear smooth and silky garments. 

Fast forward in time to 1997 I moved to San Francisco and for a brief time thought about living as female and almost did but decided to move to Los Angeles and to to get work as a movie extra. So I buried the female me, and went back to the male me and got by until again in 2001 I finally went to a therapist to talk about feeling like  I was the wrong gender. I talked for a month, but I got scared and self conscious. 

I stopped going because I was convinced I would burn in hell for thinking and feeling this way. Which is a another huge problem for me, I am a Christian and I believe in God and Jesus and I know its all very real. So I buried these thoughts and feelings and moved back to Texas where most of my family is. I have been here since 2004. Now In the last week I am overwhelmed by feelings of regret and loneliness and also guilt that I am not living as a woman. But also still wrestling with how to still be a Christian who wants to look and act and be female in every possible way, and at the same time also be in a relationship with a woman. I am single now and I am not living the life I should be. But I do not know how to even make this all seem OK in my spirit. I truly am hurting in more ways than you can know by reading this text.

Please someone help me. I want to also leave Texas and go back to San Francisco, I miss living there and I just wish i could take off and finally be free. I am 40 years old now and look and feel 30 still so I hope its not too late to talk about doing something.

[Jamie D]

Hi Shawnna and welcome to Susan's Place!

Please be sure to review

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I hope you find the support here that you are looking for.  I'm sure you will.

Please take a look at some of our Spirituality forums.  Coming to a better understanding of yourself will help you achieve the peace of mind you seek.

[Shawn Sunshine]

Oh I did not know I could not post a picture, sorry but it doesn't seem to let me edit that out now, the picture of the zebra finches. Thank you for replying, I hope someone can help me cause i am not feeling very well at all right now.

[Jamie D]

I believe that you need at least 15 posts before you can edit your profile and turn on other features, such as private messaging.  Stick around, browse the boards, ask some questions, make some comments, and you'll get there in no time.

You have people here who understand what you have been through.

Your picture in the post is okay.  We like birds!

[Amazon D]

welcome and i too am bipolar (I take no meds as gardening is my medicine)

but i can't stand cities and san fran to me is hell..

be well.

oh texas is also hell


i live in central pa amongst the amish and mennonites .. wonderful people

[Sephirah]

Okay hon, I moved your thread as requested. *hug*

Why can't you leave where you are? What's keeping you there?

[Brooke777]

I too am a Christian. Where in the bible does it say that you cant be who you are supposed to be. According to the Bible ( Romans 14), we are to not judge one another because what we do, we do out of tribute to God. If God created you to be a woman, as He did me, then that is who you should be. I challenge you to find one of Gods chosen vessels ( prophets, leaders, judges, etc.) that conformed to social " norms". God created all of us unique. As a Christian, as long as you do everything with the intention of living your life according to God' s word, you will be doing the right thing. Remember God loves all of us, and wants us to be happy. I pray that this has helped, and I wish you the best of luck.

[Shawn Sunshine]

Okay hon, I moved your thread as requested. *hug*

Why can't you leave where you are? What's keeping you there?

I could leave but im just not ready to, and i am still afraid of what would happen when i do, if i would regret leaving my family behind here, that is my mom and my other extended family. I love them and want to be near them, but they would never accept shawnna, only shawn

[Shawn Sunshine]

I too am a Christian. Where in the bible does it say that you cant be who you are supposed to be. According to the Bible ( Romans 14), we are to not judge one another because what we do, we do out of tribute to God. If God created you to be a woman, as He did me, then that is who you should be. I challenge you to find one of Gods chosen vessels ( prophets, leaders, judges, etc.) that conformed to social " norms". God created all of us unique. As a Christian, as long as you do everything with the intention of living your life according to God' s word, you will be doing the right thing. Remember God loves all of us, and wants us to be happy. I pray that this has helped, and I wish you the best of luck.

It helps that there are other christians out there like yourself, but i havent gotten past alot the scriptures that say I cant wear womens clothes or men cant lie with men and women with women

[Jeneva]

Doesn't Jesus say he is the fulfillment of the old testament law?

17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfill.

Doesn't this say that yes the law is valid, but I am going to fulfill it (meet the conditions for you).  If it doesn't then pretty much all Christians today will go to their hell (sabbath, mixed planting, mixed clothing, etc.).

And then what about this set of verses

34 I tell you, in that night there shall be two men in one bed; the one shall be taken, and the other shall be left.

35 Two women shall be grinding together; the one shall be taken, and the other left.

Clearly homosexuals and one is going to heaven?

How about this one

16 And we have known and believed the love that God hath to us. God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him.

Focus specifically the part after the semicolon (and to a lesser degree immediately before it)


Learn to live in love instead of fear and hate.  By your own savior's words none here are allowed to judge you.

For anyone tempted to preach or debate those verses with me please understand I am NOT a Christian and have no interest in such debate and this is NOT the appropriate forum to do so (spirituality/christianity NOT transexual talk).

[Brooke777]

Jeneva made some good points. I think it would be extremely helpfull if you focus on god's love.
I know this is harder to do, than say but, if your family cant accept who you really are, then you should just leave. By not being true to yourself, you are hurting them as well as yourself.

[Shawn Sunshine]

Well Jeneva , thank you for your response

I want to understand what you think these mean.

Quote from: Luke 17:34-35 King James Version (KJV)
34 I tell you, in that night there shall be two men in one bed; the one shall be taken, and the other shall be left.

Lots of men who are friends sleep in the same bedding area, this is evident even in the military with bunk beds


35 Two women shall be grinding together; the one shall be taken, and the other left.

I think this is referring to 2 women grinding wheat


But you say your not a christian , so you won't be fully able to understand what I am wrestling with, since I already know in my heart that God and Jesus exsist and are real, and that devil is real. 

I just want to be able to have a clearer understanding of what Good and Evil truly is

the verses I don't understand are these and are the hurdles I need to get over, so unless someone can explain these to me I will truly be without Hope

Leviticus 18:22
"Do not practice homosexuality, having sex with another man as with a woman. It is a detestable sin.
Leviticus 20:13
"If a man practices homosexuality, having sex with another man as with a woman, both men have committed a detestable act. They must both be put to death, for they are guilty of a capital offense.
1 Corinthians 6:9
Don't you realize that those who do wrong will not inherit the Kingdom of God? Don't fool yourselves. Those who indulge in sexual sin, or who worship idols, or commit adultery, or are male prostitutes, or practice homosexuality,
1 Timothy 1:10
The law is for people who are sexually immoral, or who practice homosexuality, or are slave traders, liars, promise breakers, or who do anything else that contradicts the wholesome teaching

Please I truly need some help here and I have been searching all over the net and no one has any answers to these! If you want me to post in the spiritual section I will, but I am simply responding to your post.

[Jeneva]

35 Two women shall be grinding together; the one shall be taken, and the other left.

I think this is referring to 2 women grinding wheat

http://biblethumpingliberal.com/2011/05/22/the-q-apocalypse-two-women-grinding-together/

That link explains that grinding was a commonly used euphemism for sex in that era.

I was raised Christian along with the threats and pinches and smacks to attend all services and act as they wanted, but I cannot support a religion that has so clearly clouded its message of love to support hate and would despise me.

If God is love and God is good, then love is good.  If evil is the opposite of good then isn't hate evil?

[SandraJane]

Howdy Sister!

Here's another Texan, and Christian. Also, I had been DX'd as  having Major Depression and being BiPolar. After I started dealing with myself, that I am "Trans", I am Female, the problems of Mental Illness faded away for me. This is not always the case with everyone, and as you mentioned in your original post, you suffered abuse in your family and  was treated for Schizophrenia (did you suffer any effects from the anti-psychotics? TD?)

As to your faith, what was your upbring? Or what denomination do you belong to? Be assured that God and Jesus doesn't condemn us, we do that!

[Shawn Sunshine]

Howdy Sister!

Here's another Texan, and Christian. Also, I had been DX'd as  having Major Depression and being BiPolar. After I started dealing with myself, that I am "Trans", I am Female, the problems of Mental Illness faded away for me. This is not always the case with everyone, and as you mentioned in your original post, you suffered abuse in your family and  was treated for Schizophrenia (did you suffer any effects from the anti-psychotics? TD?)

As to your faith, what was your upbring? Or what denomination do you belong to? Be assured that God and Jesus doesn't condemn us, we do that!

Hi Yes, Hello Sandra Jane. Yes I did suffer from Tardive Dysnexia , which caused me to pop my jaw and smack my lips all the time, it has gotten better, the other side effects were just being slowed down and overweight.

I was raised Catholic and then started going to non denomination churches as a teen and after I was 21 stopped going to any church and started gambling and living homeless for a while cause i gambled all the time.

Then I came back to going to church 2 times a week in a Disciples of Christ Church and then before that Baptist

Right now i attend disciples of Christ (christian church)

I don't think my bi polar will go away to be honest, but I don't take any meds any more and I feel better for not having meds. My problem feels more like what you say which is to accept who I am. But I still don't understand why those scriptures are in the bible, do they mean something else that has been lost in translation or because we dont know the context of the jews in older times?

[Brooke777]

Quite a bit of the old testiment can only be understood if you have a very strong understanding of the culture it was written in. I dare say you would probably need a phd in history with a specialisation in that area to meet the need. From the studies I have done, it has been determined that many of the rules set down in th OT were to protect people. Take not eating pork or shellfish. If they are not cooked properly you could easily get sick and die. When society progressed enough for people to understand they need to cook meat, God allowed them to eat it. As for homosexuality, the same risks that are around now were around then. So it is safe to assume it wad bad because they could not practice safe sex.
On a different note, are you realy a man? I am not. I have male genitals but I am a woman. I hope this helps.

[Shawn Sunshine]

Am I really a man>? Some days I feel ok being in this body, other days it disgusts me and I want look different. On The inside in my brain I have often felt I was both genders, but the female part of me is becoming a stronger desire every day. Whats more is I am attracted to women. So That would make me a lesbian? But some lesbians hate transgenders and claim they are not real women also, and would not want a relationship with anything other than a woman born with a womans body.

[Brooke777]

Unfortunately as I am not in the dating world, I cant advise as to what a GG will go for. There are a lot of posts here that can help with that. Sorry I am of no help on this.

[SandraJane]

Shawnna,

Maybe for the time being it would be alright to put aside the question of the scripture' meaning, and how Lesbians feel toward Transgendered Women.  Its time to concentrate on...You! Put everything else to the side and think about how you feel.

[Jeneva]

But some lesbians hate transgenders and claim they are not real women also, and would not want a relationship with anything other than a woman born with a womans body.[/color]

While some do, it isn't all.  I know that locally we've been accepted with open arms as just another lesbian couple among the lesbians we know.

There are no ends to the roadblocks you can create for yourself.  Instead as Sandra Jane said focus on yourself and decide who YOU are.