Sexual orientation... utter confusion

[Wraith]

I've had several boyfriends in my life, and never a girlfriend. I felt comfortable with the idea of being/becoming a gay male long before I started transition. I didn't have a single doubt or worry about it changing, and just laughed at people who thought T would make me "start chasing girls".

Well. Since 6-7 or so months ago I've been noticing things morphing, much to my dislike.
I've tried to shrug it away and not think about it. I've tried to deny it. I didn't want it happening, but something HAS been happening, and I can't for the life of me understand how or why, and I still have a hard time accepting it. I know it's silly, I know it shouldn't matter. I'm just uncomfortable with how it feels like everything I thought I knew about myself has been changing beyond my control.

I never had interest in females before. I did have the occassional fantasy, especially around my teens, but I never thought much of it since. I absolutely could never see myself together with a female, heck I disliked pretty much everything about them and found them annoying. Maybe because they reminded me about what I have been forced to live through, but I sure couldn't see this change coming.
What happened is I started to actually notice females, and find myself appreciating them a lot, in whole new ways I didn't think possible for me. And over this time, I feel like I've developed an emotional/romantic kind of attraction to females. I can feel almost spellbound by them. (WHY are they so beautiful, and why did I never notice before??)

And what of my attraction to males? I can still find them incredibly sexy and handsome, and I can still get "infatuated" by male characters. I'm just not sure if that means I actually want to "be with" a male in real life? I do find myself kind of uncomfortable with the idea, but I'm not sure why. They're just not "that" interesting anymore?

And maybe this will change again? Maybe it will go back? Who knows.. I just know I feel utterly confused right now.. As silly as it may be, I even feel kind of disappointed with myself. Does any of this make sense to anyone?

[Shawn Sunshine]

I just brought up the same subject asking people of hormones and the process of transitioning can alter orientation


https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,120835.0.html  A few answers so far in that thread

[Jayr]

Some transfolks ''change'' sexual orientations after they transition just because as they become more comfortable with themselves they
unconsciously allow themselves to be true to their feelings.

Maybe your attraction for males was simply envy and you didn't even realize it.
And now as you're becoming more comfortable with yourself,
your sexual orientation is becoming what it should have been all along.

The opposite can be true.
Some guys pre-everything are all about girls, and later are into guys.
Maybe their attraction for girls was only to fit in more, and be seen as more masculine.

All these things are unconscious, which is why people think we ''change'' orientation,
when in reality we were never our true selves to begin with.

Than again, all that can be false.
It's just my opinion on the matter.

Sexual orientation for me is a journey.
It develops over time, just like you do.

[Arch]

I still have certain issues with women, so I worried that T and/or transition might cause me to shift attractions...and then I would be stuck.

I was very much gay from my earliest memories and have "felt" like a gay boy/man for just as long. Once I realized that gay men existed, I spent about a decade wishing I were one, and, once I realized that transition was possible, I spent a couple of decades yearning to transition and live as a gay man. Despite trying to market myself as a bisexual (don't ask), I intentionally avoided women and never had more than one female friend at any given time. I mostly hung out with guys. I tried to convince myself to like women, but I was never successful. For me, transition was as much about sexuality as about gender. The two are all wrapped up in each other anyway.

With all of that history, I would have been devastated to suddenly start finding women attractive. Fortunately, my orientation has remained steady, but I can imagine how confusing it is for you.

The thing is, we can't really control our attractions. You might try girls and decide they're not as sexy as guys. You might wind up being bisexual/pansexual. You might swing mostly to girls. As far as I can tell, we can control our actions but not our attractions.

Just as trans people often fight their sense of self, a lot of gay people have tried to change their attractions or deny them entirely, with mostly heartbreak and misery to show for it. Give yourself time to get used to the idea of being attracted to women. But try to think of it as a new adventure, something worth exploring. Get to know yourself. Don't beat yourself up over what you cannot control.

I'm quite sure that I would have gone through a similar arc, by the way. So I know that "just accept it" doesn't fix the problem. Just give yourself time.

[Kreuzfidel]

I don't know why it seems perplexing - sexualities change, be you trans or cis.  The way I see it, being a sexual being should have little to do with what gender the person is or is attracted to.  Maybe a crude analogy, but tastes change - some people hate broccoli as kids and love it as adults.  Labels are so over-rated.  I appreciate beauty, male or female, cis or trans - and I acknowledge that, as a sexual being, there are many things that turn me on.

[KamTheMan]

It makes complete sense dude, so don't even sweat it. It could be that your brain is wired to be straight. Therefor when you were presenting as female, it's possible the only thing that made you comfortable romantically was to be in a heterosexual relationship and so the same thing could be happening now that you present as male.

[Beth Andrea]

Just go with it.

Girls can be a lot of fun, too.

[~RoadToTrista~]

Keep in mind that emotional attraction does not equal sexual attraction. It's also a lot more fluid.

[Wraith]

Thanks all for the replies! and lol Kreuz you're putting it so bluntly, thanks for the laugh :)

Arch, you are right, that's very much how I feel, even though my history around it wouldn't sound as clearcut and goal-oriented as yours.
I've been keeping my mind busy with all kinds of activities and reading and stuff, trying not to think about this, but finally I just had to write about it and see what would come of it I guess.

RoadToTrista, that is a good point, but it does go further than emotional for me (I'm just afraid to admit it). Scared to death, actually.

[justmeinoz]

I thought I might have been bi or a feminine gay man prior to working out the problem was gender not sexuality.  Now I have no interest in men whatsoever. 
It is quite possible that it is a case of being more comfortable with your true self,  and your sexuality becoming clearer.  It is not a matter of right or wrong, just what is and how you act.

Karen.

[Stewie]

You need to allow yourself to feel what you feel. Don't repress things. Be who you are. You might be missing out on a fantastic relationship just because you are saying that liking a woman is wrong. Maybe you had some repressed issues with lesbians? IDK. Either way, love is beautiful. Doesn't matter who you share it with. If it is REAL then it is worth it.

[Natkat]

I am pretty much in same situation.
I been bisexual since I was small, But as I start admitting it to myself (around 14) I got my main focus on guys and questioned alittle if i in fact where gay or bi?.
I did had attractions to women but only like falling in love.

after T I felt my attraction to women increased alittle and it actually got me worried.
Manly cause I feel I fit in way better to be gay than straight. I am very gay" so to say,
I am femenine, like fashion, generally everyone thinks im gay, without I say anything.
and I understand men way better than women.

I still got interest in guys, but I guess maybe my interest in woman is also cause I am kind of unexperience in girls compared to guys. so maybe I just wanna try out alittle more on the other side.

[Wraith]

Yeah I'll try not to stress over this. Truth be told, whatever my orientation is, I don't feel ready to even consider someone new in my life right now anyway, so there's plenty of time for things to sink in.

About the repressed feelings thing.. It is totally possible. When I think back, there's two sides to whatever feelings toward females I had when younger:
1. I thought it wasn't more than normal curiosity (or I was good at telling myself so)
2. Whenever I thought about females, I wanted to be a guy. This, in turn, I explained away as foolishness, because why would I like females just because I transitioned? I liked males "now" so that's how it would be, and I also thought it was foolish because I thought it seemed like a case of being brainwashed that I have to be straight. Hard to explain..


Natkat - for a while in my confusion I actually thought that *I* was the one suddenly becoming feminine, but I'm not, it was just that I started appreciating femininity, and relaxing about it

[Natkat]

Yeah I'll try not to stress over this. Truth be told, whatever my orientation is, I don't feel ready to even consider someone new in my life right now anyway, so there's plenty of time for things to sink in.

About the repressed feelings thing.. It is totally possible. When I think back, there's two sides to whatever feelings toward females I had when younger:
1. I thought it wasn't more than normal curiosity (or I was good at telling myself so)
2. Whenever I thought about females, I wanted to be a guy. This, in turn, I explained away as foolishness, because why would I like females just because I transitioned? I liked males "now" so that's how it would be, and I also thought it was foolish because I thought it seemed like a case of being brainwashed that I have to be straight. Hard to explain..


Natkat - for a while in my confusion I actually thought that *I* was the one suddenly becoming feminine, but I'm not, it was just that I started appreciating femininity, and relaxing about it

yeah I belive your right, in fact im not that femenine again.
I just read very femenine cause im a guy. if im read as a girl im very maculine.
+ I dont really care much about the gender steryotype who are put on me, so I enjoy my femenine sides insteed of hidding it.
I did hide it when I was younger, but I fast learned that if your gonna behave how other expect you to be just to please them on how a real man is, then you will just waste your time, cause those people really dont see a man, they just see a doll they can fool around with.

[insideontheoutside]

Maybe a crude analogy, but tastes change - some people hate broccoli as kids and love it as adults. 

Ha that's pretty perfect 'cause that's about the way I think about it. Then again, there are also people who are very set in their ways and never change. The point though, is that people can be flexible, tastes can change ... there's a lot of variety in the world.

[Jam]

I can't say I can relate to the change in emotional attraction...I've always been emotionally and romantically attracted to women exclusively, and so far, that hasn't changed on T.

But I do notice that it doesn't take much to arouse me, and images of men arouse me a lot easier than they used to. I don't think I could have sex with a man, still, but. It sorts of bothers me sometimes...not because I have a problem with being gay or having gay feelings, but because I went through absolute hell because I only liked women and couldn't bring myself to like men (the whole lesbian thing...). So...I can understand your discomfort, for sure.

This is me also to the letter. My attraction to women has intensified loads but in general I think im going through the 'horny' stage of puberty again and so I find anything to do with sex gets me worked up lol. Having said that when I see actual men in the flesh the thought of doing anything with them grosses me out. Its just an instant 'no' flashing in my head.

The fact that you feel emotionally attracted though...maybe it has changed a little. I wouldn't be worried about your feelings as unsettling as they may be,  girls are really nice to be with for the most part. Why dont you just try it out if you can? after all it doesnt mean that you will never find another man attractive again in your life.

[dalebert]

Having said that when I see actual men in the flesh the thought of doing anything with them grosses me out. Its just an instant 'no' flashing in my head.

Sounds like it could be dysphoria-inducing for you. Seems like a lot of guys loosen up about that after they've had a pretty successful transition. Maybe once you look in the mirror and see a man looking back at you and when people you run into "Sir" you by default and so forth, you'll feel very at ease with your identity as a man and the thought of being with another man may not bother you as much.

Or maybe it still will. Totally speculating.

[justmeinoz]

Given that we are here, and what we have all learned about gender, then there is really no way of knowing whether the person you are attracted to is a "man" or a "woman".
They could be transgendered or intersex for all we know.  And, in the final analysis, does it really matter?
All we can say is that they look female or male, and we prefer a particular bodily form.  That preference can be completely discounted if we meet the right person as well.  We love a person not a gender or a body, so whatever works for you is okay.

Karen.

[dalebert]

That preference can be completely discounted if we meet the right person as well.  We love a person not a gender or a body, so whatever works for you is okay.

I remember meeting this girl at work that I had a fascination with and she seemed flirty with me. I definitely got the feeling that if I started engaging in the flirtations that it might have gone somewhere. She was very boyish. I remember thinking that she was attractive but I had a block because she was... well, a she.

I think there's something to what you're saying. I'm a 7 on the Kinsey scale (it only goes to 6) but even I have had my moments.