Definition of insanity, and an intro

[invisible]

Feeling really lost and at the end of my rope... been trying to get on top of this stuff for a long time now, and I'm still at step 0. With it all always on my mind I just always feel so down, distracted, and too tired to do anything to fix it. They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results, but I don't know what else to try anymore besides just going away for good.

Too tired and expecting too little to rewrite from scratch, so... my story, and my first try to sort things out, and get help:

Lauras Playground

There is some initial friendly "hi"'s that quickly dry out, and never really address anything, or help, and if you look at the dates on posts it gets really pathetic as I'm still crying out for months and not getting anything but generic "Welcome, we're so great here" replies.

My second go, some recap, but trying with a new (larger?) audience, and trying to focus more on individual things I could really use help with, obviously, doesn't go so well either...

Posted on ->-bleeped-<-

Off the top of my head, I think replies were "drug yourself" and "go deeper in debt with the dim hope you can do something you hate for a typically sexist group and return to thinking about this stuff in like 5+ years". Not really what I was looking for. And really seems like no one is reading a friggin thing I say anymore at this point.

So, insane as I am, I try again, as specifically as I can, trying to ignore my mind constantly screaming and interrupting because of my GID, and focus just on getting the money and independence to go forward:

Then I tried again on ->-bleeped-<- focusing on the job issue.

Down-voted a bunch, and 1 reply that again ignores everything I say, and all my frustrations.

Around the time I tried the third time, my last friend (an internet friend whom I hadn't met in person) found out I was trans, and that was that. Went from emailing each other many times a day to once a couple of days, to nothing in almost 2 weeks now, so my last friendship looks like the Ed209 scene from Robocop.

So, it's insanely unlikely anyone has read this far, or that it'll actually help, but it was try again or go for a fog walk on the highway at midnight, so here I am...

[Jamie D]

Hi Stuck

You made a good decision coming here.  We are a community that supports those with questions about gender.

For new members, please be sure to review

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar/post links and photos)
  
• Age and the Forum
  
• Reputation rules
  

Don't be shy to join and ask questions.

(And, yes, I read the entire post!) 

[Brooke777]

Stuck, sorry it took me so long to reply, but I am not the fastest reader and your other three posts were quite long.  I hope I processed it all properly.  Anyway, I know you have heard it elsewhere, but I still want to say it...welcome.  I am pretty new to Susan's Place myself.  I have found it wonderful.  As you, I tried other places with no luck.  I even tried the same place as your first post...dead end.  But here, I have been welcomed with open arms.  No one has dismissed me, or anything I have said.  Every question I have posted has had many, many responses.  When I first posted here I thought it would be just like the other places, and I would soon just fade away.  I was wrong, and I hope you have the same experience. 

When I first started here, I started a strand with my most pressing issue.  That might be a good place to go from here.  You addressed several concerns in your other posts, so I don't know where to start trying to support you.  I say support because I may not be able to help, but I will do my best. 

Every one here is different, and yet the same.  We all have issues we need help on.  So please, share them with us so we can try and help.  I look forward to reading your posts, and commend you for giving it another try.

[Devlyn]

Hi Stuck, welcome to Susans! When you look up insanity on this site there's a picture of me! I read your post, but not the links. I spend my time here, not at the other TG sites. You said some things that suggested you may be considering suicide. I urge you to call one of the Hotlines listed here on the site. We all care about you, and there is always someone here to talk to. Hugs, Devlyn

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

Hi Stuck,

Welcome to our little family. Over 7095 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister.

Transition is easy.  One step at a time, at YOUR own speed.  This is not a race.  It is your life.


Janet 

[Jamie D]

Hi Stuck, welcome to Susans! When you look up insanity on this site there's a picture of me! ...  Hugs, Devlyn

It's true.

[invisible]

When I first started here, I started a strand with my most pressing issue.  That might be a good place to go from here.  You addressed several concerns in your other posts, so I don't know where to start trying to support you.  I say support because I may not be able to help, but I will do my best. 

Every one here is different, and yet the same.  We all have issues we need help on.  So please, share them with us so we can try and help.  I look forward to reading your posts, and commend you for giving it another try.

Already did...

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

Already did...

Transition is easy.  One step at a time, at YOUR own speed.  This is not a race.  It is your life.

And its a **** life. My own speed was "ages ago" and despite all that, I'm absolutely no closer to it, or anything.

Hi Stuck, welcome to Susans! When you look up insanity on this site there's a picture of me!

It's dun changed.

You said some things that suggested you may be considering suicide. I urge you to call one of the Hotlines listed here on the site. We all care about you, and there is always someone here to talk to.

Nothing platitudes I've heard before are going to change. Nothing else I can do, and I'm just sick of having nothing and no one and living in a world as messed up as this.

[Brooke777]

Im sorry, but I cant find any other threads you posted on here at Susan's. If you could direct me to them that might help me.

[Sarah Louise]

The "other" threads are not here at Susans.

[invisible]

Ah, the links were removed... oh well I guess

[Brooke777]

Try opening a discusion with your question. You will probably get more help than here in introductions. I personally really want to help, but there are a lot of people here far more intelligent, and experienced. Please, dont give up hope. Keep pushing forward.

[invisible]

Too tired to go through all this again, dunno what else to say that I havent said many times over already, or where better to say than I already have, all yields nothing.

[Devlyn]

Stuck, I just read all your posts. You haven't asked us a single thing. You've lamented that other websites weren't satisfactory to you. I'll bet you a dollar this one will be to your liking. But you have to ask us a question first, and I won't go to another site to read it. Post here, get your answers here. Hugs, Devlyn edit: learned how to spell 'all'

[Jamie D]

Stuck, let's break this cycle you're in.  Let's not rehash the bad experiences you have had elsewhere, and start new.

[invisible]

Stuck, I just read ll your posts. You haven't asked us a single thing.

Because they, and everything relevant to them (my story, concerns, difficulties/situation, etc) were removed... admittedly I started at like 10x frustration now than then, but its not gotten any better...

[Devlyn]

We have rules about posting links located in the Announcements section. Tell us your one biggest concern and let us help you. Hugs, Devlyn

[invisible]

I have no hope or reason to think that'll change, because I'm pretty useless. No chance to transition, no progress toward it in... ever. Were I gone, things at work might be a bit busy for a few days before I was replaced, and family might be annoyed having to arrange stuff, but after they'd be better off, and wouldn't really notice any change. I feel nothing, dead inside, there is no me. If by some miracle someone got tricked into hiring me into a position that'd pay more than squat, that I might be able to transition off of, the likelihood that I'd be able to perform that job when I can't focus enough for 30s to make a half way decent resume or cover letter or even look at job apps is pretty dismal, and that's before considering it'd still be years before I could go forward with anything and most my life would be a complete waste of time.


And apparently the verification question, "Are you human?" either takes itself seriously enough that it thinks a bot would answer "No" or it thinks a fleshy bag of mostly water is all it takes to be a person.

[Brooke777]

You are a person.  You do have people that care for you.  We care about you, and want you to stay around.  Please, don't hurt yourself.  Please seek help now!  Call a suicide hotline.  Reach out to someone you trust, or just anyone.  Just please...please, don't hurt yourself.

[Devlyn]

Yes, Stuck, if these feelings overwhelm you, call one of the Hotlines. Dwelling on hurdles can make them seem insurmountable. You will find strength inside yourself to reach your goals. One step at a time is the only way to get there. Hugs, Devlyn

[invisible]

I don't see what that'd do, I'd still be in the exact same place. Like always.

They're not insurmountable hurdles. I'm just pathetic and can't do what normally people do quickly and easily.

Reach out to someone you trust

That'd be... no one.

or just anyone.

Done ages ago. Family, "friends", friends of family, school, internet, internet, internet.

Even if something were to finally come together, it wouldn't be because of me, and how could I possibly continue it when I couldn't even start it? No way I'd be able to transition even if I could afford it, or wasn't here