Help Me Understand - Packing and Femininity

[NadiasMagician]

So, I am an adjunct professor of anatomy and yet I don't understand my reactions fully to my own! I will explain more later, but in short, I am generally pleased with my status as a cis female, with purely lesbian orientation. However, my room mate recently came out to me as non binary this year and it raised a few questions for me. I would like to talk about this with some of you who would be willing, but my main question is my infatuation with wearing a packer in my daily life.

I got a packer and started wearing it and I feel so invigorated and hyper sexual with it. I am constantly wanting to play with it and touch it and my ex-girlfriend would play with it and it turned me on in a way that I can't describe. My first ever "wet-dream" was of me having sex with a penis and a female partner when I was in 6th (ish) grade. In my day-to-day life, I don't have these ideas about being a man, and I own my femininity. I am confused and just trying to better understand myself. Does anyone relate or have any comments?

[charizard]

Hi NadiasMagician.

I think it's totally normal for some people's sexual identity/sexual role to differ from their gender. If you enjoy being a cis female in regular interactions, you can still be a cis female who happens to wear a packer in their intimate activities if that's who you want to be and what you want to do. What turns you on doesn't make you any less valid in your identity, however you identify.

I am transmasculine nonbinary (although still socially presenting as female), attracted to males, and have relatively neutral feelings about my AFAB bottom half (edging towards discomfort). When I wear a packer or think about myself with a penis it makes me feel more connected to the parts I do have and also more comfortable with my sexual identity. I don't necessarily link that second half directly to my gender, except that my sexual identity is one part of me and so accepting that is part of accepting myself as a whole. If that makes sense...

I hope that somewhat helps to hear another perspective to start with. Happy to discuss further if you want.

[Sno]

Hi hon.

We could say welcome home, but then I've been lax, and dinner isn't ready yet. Our standard boilerplate is to see a therapist - they'll help you explore how you feel, and allow you to settle in to the new found knowledge of yourself.

Does wearing a packer change who you are? Not in one bit. Does exploring gender make you less 'you'? No. Does liking the packer and dreaming about it being a permanent feature change you? No. It could lead to a few interesting questions, mostly for yourself about what it means to you to express in this way. How strong those feelings and desires are, depend on you, and honesty to yourself.

Now, just to get over a small hurdle - cis folk generally don't think / do / try / question themselves or challenge themselves about presenting in anything other than the gender they identify as - trying, for yourself, and enjoying this experience, could mean that you are comfortable in the role but are not comfortable expressing as that identity full term - a banner under which sit those who cross dress, or perform their role - are you a King, my dear?. Or it may be more fundamental - it feels like it answers some deep question that you never knew you'd asked of yourself, in a way that makes yourself feel more whole.

All of these place you squarely under the trans umbrella - maybe not non-binary (who knows where your journey may lead), or maybe it will.

Personally, my gender identity is complex - feminine in some ways, and neither as well. They're quite delineated around aspects of my life, but it was only after introspection that I was able to rationalise my world under non-binary (long story, messy, needs ice cream, a really rubbish sentimental movie and a bottle of wine), quite a shock for someone who generally is seen to fall into the AMAB camp - but it was only through self knowledge and introspection that the knowledge of what my gender is, and that it doesn't match that which I was assigned (that prompted questions of sexuality too... as my perspective shifted).

Have fun, enjoy how you feel, talk it through with a professional, and most of all try to enjoy this - it's the journey we all go through to find out who we are.


(Hugs)

Rowan

[Kendra]

Hello NadiasMagician, welcome to Susan's!

What you're describing totally makes sense to me.  You are enjoying and appreciating what works well for you, good to explore. 

Since this was your first post I'll add information to help with navigation and site guidelines.

Things that you should read

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When you get a chance it would be great if you introduce yourself in the Introductions Forum.

Really great to see you here!

Kendra

[Zoe_Kay]

I think its so great that you feel good and powerful wearing a packer!  Have you and your partner tried using a strap-on?  It sounds like that may be something you'd like!

I'm an AMAB bigender/genderfluid person and what you describe is that way I feel wearing breasts.  I often wish I had real ones (and may get them some day) but its such a nice feeling of "wholeness." 

Of course being bigender means that next week I'd wish I didn't have them, so this solution works for me.