30 day genderqueer challenge

[clearleeraines]

Darn I missed this, poo. and today is the 7th maybe all do it next month ? :(lan

[suzifrommd]

Darn I missed this, poo. and today is the 7th maybe all do it next month ? :(lan

No rule about starting on the first of the month. Start whenever you like!

[Raell]

I'm late also, so starting out:

1) Do you use any other terms to define or explain your gender?
No. I prefer male pronouns, but will accept anything, although I feel slightly dysphoric with female terms. Maybe neutral pronouns would work best, if they were universally accepted.

2) How did you grow up with your gender?
I was a tomboy, and clueless about being a girl. I tried, though. I just thought the rest of the people of the world were crazy.

3) What's your favorite ways of upsetting gender roles:
I simply dress androgynously, drive a motorbike, and do things that make me happy, no matter what cis people my age like to do.

4) Name some queer heroes, influences, or crushes 
My main hero is Lady Gaga

5) Dysphoria and how you manage it: 
It used to be unbearable and I almost started on T, then found that derris scandens, a local Thai herb, blends my female and male personalities, so I feel peaceful.

6) When did you realize you were Genderqueer?
In 2013, when I read a book, Transgender Voices: Beyond Women and Men

7) What are your favorite physical features of yourself?
I'm slender and athletic, even though I'm 64 years old.

An unpopular or unsure opinion about the GSM community:
Since the Trump election, people online seem more hostile than ever toward anyone LGBTQ.

9) What have you done or plan to do to socially transition?
I came out to my close friends and immediate family, but they didn't seem to care, since I remain the same..androgynous clothing, acting like a tomboy. However, my ex-husband says he's planning to transition to female and wants to live with me. That would definitely "out me.

10) Are you taking any steps to physically transition?
No. I almost did, but the the derris scandens dissipates dysphoria.

11) Your first experience with a GSM organization or event   
I've only encountered GSM groups on forums. But I live in Thailand, so I see gender variance all the time in the mainstream.

12) Discuss your relationship with the term transgender:
I'm partially transmale

13) How has your family taken it or how might they take it?
They didn't react, but I didn't do anything different from usual..just continued to act the same way.

14) Are you part of the Gender and Sexuality Minority community?
Yes. I'm partially transmale, gender fluid, agender, androgynous, asexual, demisexual, panromantic.

15) How do you deal with gendered things? Clothes shopping, bathrooms, forms, etc.
In my case, there's no problem with dressing rooms, since I resemble an androgynous female. As for clothes, I prefer to design/sew them for myself, so I can skate along the gender line, or buy male casual clothing. For forms, I hesitate, but can check the "female" box.

16) Name some media you connect with queerly
I prefer to watch movies and TV series on Netflix with LGBTQ characters.

17) How do you, or would you, deal with being misgendered?
I don't worry about it, for now. My ex husband genders me correctly, as well as the Thai (I currently live in southern Thailand)

[Cailan Jerika]

I'm starting late on this.

Day 1) Do you use any other terms to define or explain your gender?

I prefer bi-gender, but also non-binary. I feel the word "queer" in "genderqueer" is an insult, even if others don't.

[Cailan Jerika]

Day 2: How did you grow up with your gender?

I was a country tomboy. I grew up with mostly male friends (the only other female in the "neighborhood" was a ten minute drive away), playing in the creek, climbing the hills and following game trails, playing soccer, competitive swimming and - dance. I wanted to be a ballerina, but as a pre-teen, just as I got on toe, my big bulky body (big square frame) and oversize breasts killed that dream. That and a lack of talent, LOL. My chosen toys were Tonka trucks, Breyer model horses, and Darcy dolls (a 1970s Barbie competitor). I dressed up the horses while the dolls were simply props for the horses, LOL.

My clothes wavered wildly from overdone pink frilly dresses to generic pants and t-shirts, no real thought to it. I just did what seemed right that day. Comfort was usually the primary concern, and I found dresses were simply more comfortable and less confining if I wanted to do something physical. Practicality was not a concern.

In middle school I made an all-out effort to conform to fully femme standards of fashion and behavior, and by high school I gave up and went to dressing feminine only for "special events" and if I felt like it. I played football with the guys in PE (took PE 4 years despite only needing 2 years), took autoshop and wood shop, but also tried out for cheerleading (that didn't go well).

My mom never commented on or particularly cared what I wore. She's a flower child hippy autistic spectrum person (chew on that one, LOL) and her mantra was "Only sheep dress like everyone else, and it's bad to be a sheep." LOL. So I never got ANY feedback from my parents, unless I asked for new clothes, which they thought was a nearly criminal act.

So, basically I grew up open to explore both sides of my dual nature, and did it in a manner so unremarkable I had no idea what it was behind the way I did things. No one said anything about it, so I assumed I was just a bit weird/eccentric.

[Cailan Jerika]

Day 3) What's your favorite ways of upsetting gender roles / genderbending / gender>-bleeped-<ing?

Not my thing to do intentionally. However, I usually act as male, an alpha male even, while presenting totally female, which disturbs people. My husband once laughed after watching me get into a "testosterone war" with a very large alpha male cop friend of mine. He said it was one of the more mindbending things he's seen.

[Cailan Jerika]

4) Name some queer heroes, influences, or crushes.

I don't really have any. But then I can't name many in the CIS world I would categorize that way, either. I just don't see other people that way.

[Cailan Jerika]

Day 5) Dysphoria and how you manage it

Mine isn't that bad, most of the time. Just a low-level "something's not quite right" buzz at the back of my head that is there most of the time. Since I finally acknowledged the male side of me as being real that background buzz mostly faded away. It's the worst whenever I try to embrace the male side and attempt physically to appear male, but fail hard. I nearly go into a panic attack when I don't appear the way I feel I should be able to. It can also hit me hard in sexual situations, when my male side is in charge, when inevitably my body's performance doesn't match my "expectations."

So far, avoidance of those situations whenever possible has been the best way to avoid the dysphoria. I'm losing a lot of weight to get surgeries to hopefully allow me to appear more male as needed.

[Cailan Jerika]

Day 6) When did you realize you were Genderqueer?

First, I do not appreciate the term "queer." To me it is an insult and should be avoided. I am non-binary, I am bi-gender.

I always knew there was some masculine side to me, one that I tried to squash most of my life because I had no idea what it was, and was terrified it meant I was either a pervert or somehow crazy. All I knew was it made it very difficult for me to fit in with the girls or the guys. Over the years my husband has suggested, half in jest, that I needed testosterone. A suggestion that upset me more than it should have. When he announced in December he planned to start transitioning, it started up the conversations again (he came out MtF 18 years ago). While we talked out what each of us was feeling, it revealed a lot of stuff. On Jan. 3 I woke up with Cailan screaming at me from inside my brain to please, please stop ignoring him.

So, here I am.

[Cailan Jerika]

(Playing catchup after missing several days)

Day 7) What are your favorite physical features of yourself?

My female side likes my slim shoulders, my long legs and my long, silky dark hair, and to some degree having large breasts. My male side likes my height/size, my strength (I am much stronger than a typical woman, even when not fit), and my man-hips/waist/leg angle ratio.

Both sides like my forest green eyes with gold central heterochromia, and my youthful appearance (which I have been told is 15 to 20 years younger than my actual age).

[Cailan Jerika]

Day 8: An unpopular or unsure opinion about the GSM community

I'm not comfortable with gender pronoun preferences, especially non-traditional ones such as they and ze. I won't intentionally misgender someone as an insult, but once my mind perceives a person as one or the other that's what my mind is stuck on. If I perceive a person as being male, even if they're fully dressed/presenting as female, I can only see them as male. And vice-versa. I try to use the gender pronoun of their preference, or manipulate language to avoid any gender-related pronouns at all, but the one my mind stuck on sometimes slips out if I'm not paying attention.

My husband is MtF, and will always, always be male/my husband to me, no matter how far he transitions. I simply cannot think of him as a woman, in any way, ever. I've had 28 years of seeing him as a man, and this is who he is to me.

Similarly, as a bigender F/M, even when once I am post-surgical and on T, I will always be "she."

[Cailan Jerika]

Day 9) What have you done or plan to do to socially transition? Pronouns, name, coming out, etc?

Nothing, really. As a bi-gender who doesn't really plan to transition in my open social life, not much has changed, nor will I expect it to change in the future. While I am planning to eventually use T and get metoidioplasty, I plan to continue living mostly as a woman. This may change if I discover the changes that come with T are right for me, but at the moment I doubt I will stay on T longer than two years.

That said, I'm already working to research how to keep my hair, the cost of to keep a beard from growing in, and voice therapy to keep my female voice from changing.

My pronouns are she/her. Always. I can't imagine this changing. Eventually I do want to come out to more than my immediate family, but not until the time is right. Probably post-surgery, so my more idiotic family members don't start the whole "it's only a phase" crap and start a campaign to try to "save me from a huge mistake I will regret." Jeez, I'm 47. I don't think this is a phase!

[Cailan Jerika]

Day 10) Are you taking any steps to physically transition?

I am planning breast reduction surgery for several reasons, including being easier to bind, but am also considering HRT and simple release metoidioplasty. I don't intend to physically transition beyond the meta. Once I have the Meta, I will probably discontinue HRT to live primarily as female. Only my husband and I need to know I have something "extra" down there.

[Cailan Jerika]

Day 11) Your first experience with a GSM organization or event.

I used to be a newspaper reporter, and I was assigned to cover a transgender conference. It was long before I understood what I am, but I already knew my husband was a deeply closeted MtF. The experience of being among them was rather dysphoric, being around a lot of the more extreme non-passing femme MtFs, which was mostly upsetting because it brought up my deepest fears about my husband's future, and the future of our marriage.

We plan to go attend another conference this summer, together, but with an entirely different mindset.

[Cailan Jerika]

Day 12) Discuss your relationship with the term transgender.

This is a tough one, and is entirely wrapped up with my marriage.

For many years it has had a terrifying, negative connotation for me. About 18 years ago my husband came out to me as transgender, and pretty much I felt my life was over. It was a disaster, and he went back into the closet. All I could see was how it might destroy the life we have made together. For 18 years, whenever I saw transgender news, and especially when Jenner came out and made it a major public thing, when I interacted with anyone transgender, I could only see it through a lens of a threat to my marriage and my life. When he affirmed it again in December and told me he planned to start transitioning, it began that way again.

However, this time we were better at communicating and we went to counseling almost immediately. All of which revealed my own long-seated gender issues. Now I'm seeing things differently, though I'm much better at understanding others who are non-binary. Binary trans individuals still puzzle me inside. I understand the actual science/biology behind it, but emotionally my mind rejects the idea of not having ANY bit of the birth sex left inside.

I still can't say I'm happy in any way with his transitioning, except it is necessary for his mental health, but now my reactions are tempered by my own understanding of gender within myself. I understand him better, and am learning to deal with it better. Our 28-year marriage so far has a good chance of standing, with our own unique way of approaching our evolving relationship.

[Cailan Jerika]

My husband was actually rather excited, and is wholeheartedly behind me. He has been asking if maybe I'm trans for years. Oddly, he seems to hope I will transition to male more than I currently intend.

My daughter (19) and younger son (24) were unsurprised, and said they kinda knew already. My older son (26) was surprised (mind blown, by his words) but within ten minutes it was no big deal.

I had to explain what bi-gender means before I even tried to tell my mom (by phone). She had never heard of it. After I told her she seemed befuddled but accepting. My step-dad, in the background, was making smart-ass comments, but then he always does that and it doesn't mean anything.

[Cailan Jerika]

Day 14) Are you part of the Gender and Sexuality Minority community?

No. We live in a very remote area and would have to drive three hours to any meet-ups or such. There are a few trans folks in town, but no one is organized. The most I do is online, and mostly for my own edification.

[Cailan Jerika]

15) How do you deal with gendered things? Clothes shopping, bathrooms, forms, etc.

In general, I'm happier with gendered things. The more extreme the better, on both ends of the spectrum.
Clothes - I love girly girl, and manly man. Right now my body won't let me even try the manly man stuff, but I'm working on that.
Shopping - is my favorite hobby. I will shop for anything. I can turn a trip to the grocery store for eggs into a shopping marathon.
Bathrooms - my presentation is 100 percent the same as my bio gender, so that's not a problem. I'll see what happens when
Forms - female is fine. Especially on medical forms, where your bio-gender is very important in your medical diagnosis and treatment. I'm not sure I will ever have a reason to write down male, unless something unexpected happens and I decide to transition to mostly or fully male.

[Cailan Jerika]

Day 16) Name some media you connect with queerly.

I use the internet for research. >-bleeped-< and forums such as this site and medical sites to learn as much as I can. Pretty much that's it.

[Cailan Jerika]

17) How do you, or would you, deal with being misgendered?

I really haven't thought about it. The closest that has happened was a transwoman thought I was a transwoman, and I was mostly embarrassed, corrected that person, and I moved on. It still bothers me, though. Other than that I haven't been misgendered. I doubt I ever will be.