Hello, my name is Chris and I'm genderqueer (I havn't chosen a name yet, I was born Christopher). I'm 19 right now, almost 20. I was born male and I still dress male, because I'm only out to 3 people, one new friend, one old friend from high school, and an ex gf. They all knew me before all of this. I started HRT after I broke up with my gf, about 2 or 3 weeks after.
I know I'm genderqueer, so I identify as both male and female, but I've decided to go on HRT anyways. I don't intend on leaving my male side in the dust, but my ultimate goal is to dress in men's clothes and be seen as a woman by people I don't know. I say I want to be able to shave my head and I would still look feminine. I've been on estrogen for 3 months and 4 days now, and I'm seeing progress. About a month in, I freaked out and was teetering on the edge of giving transitioning up, because I was thinking about all of the things I wouldn't be able to do as trans (openly trans, a closet trans person is their born gender to strangers, and "appear" normal), specifically I was thinking about the military. I've wanted to join the military for years.
I had a hard time accepting myself, as I talked myself out of thinking it was ok to be different. In middle school, my friends found other friends, and I was an outcast, people called me gay. However, I knew that I wasn't gay. I was and still am attracted to girls. This became even more confusing when I tried categorizing myself based on my crossdressing. Earlier in puberty I always wanted boobs, but I really had no idea what I was thinking, I didn't know what the word transgender was or that there was such a thing. A bit later I looked up SRS. After this, I went through denial. I would embrace the feelings, and then reject them... over and over again throughout the next several years. I still get the "PURGE!" feeling sometimes, like "oh, i'm not actually trans, I just want this for some sexual reason" like I've been telling myself for half my life.
That brings me onto another point, you guys know how you're brain can block out memories of traumatic events in your life? Well for whatever, reason, I'm now remembering all sorts of things in my past that indicate transexuality (if that's a word
) Everything to music, tv shows, my personality.
Right now my mom thinks I'm gay. I'm pretty sure of that, because she brings it up sometimes, probably trying to get me to come out. I'm 100% sure I'm not gay. I want to come out, but it's really hard for me. Coming out as gay seems like it would be much easier than coming out as trans. I mean, trans isn't something that people expect to hear, and it's often quite difficult to grasp.
Some more useless information about me: I love electronic music. I could probably easily be categorized as insane. I'm not religious, but I do consider myself spiritual. I believe that death is another part of life, one where we become a being of energy and leave our physical selves behind. Oh, and I'm a huge outdoors person. I'm a college student from california. I go to school in AZ.
