Wishing to run away from one's life

[Katelyn]

I wish that I could run away from my life.  I wish I could go far away or disappear into the anonymity of a big city and never have to see my parents again.  I care about them and it pains me, it has pained me for years to feel that I may have to sacrifice them, but I'm tired of being inhibited because of what they would think of me.  I also wish I could go away from friends as well as my male identity.  I wish someone, woman or man, could take me in and help me and give me support in being the woman I wish I could be.  I hate it that I have to be worried about making money (I am making but I have to be worried about fully supporting myself if I'm alone in the world as well as saving up for SRS) , and I hate having to be worried that the world would respect me, and having to cling on to this male identity just so that I can feel safe and function in society (the uncertainty of how the world would treat me if I didn't pass, I was bullied when I was young so I know the terror of feeling unsafe).  I hate having to be an actor in this world just to please my family.  I hate it that I care about my family, and I have to emotionally suffer just so they won't emotionally suffer.  There are many times I wish I could run away from my life  (i'm in my late 20's btw.)

Anyone here have felt like running away from one's life?

[justmeinoz]

I prefer to face life head on, and tackle issues by asking myself "what is neccessary here."  If you want to transition and your parents are holding you back, you have the choice of staying as you are, leaving or attempting to get their support. If they won't help, then it is a question of stay or go.   It's tough, but there really is no other way.

Karen.

[Cindy]

Hi Katelyn,

Karen and I are friends who met when we were both starting to face the reality of that there is no where to hide.

We have lives and we wake and breathe and do the stuff that TG robots do. We hide and don't live.

THEN. Then we can decide to live. We can be ourselves. We can have a life.

Both Karen and I worked as 'guys' hidden to our colleagues and we came out. to them. Karen has moved on but I know from conversation how much trouble she had with her colleagues when she came out. NONE.

I'm still at the same work place that people thought I was a guy for the last 30 yrs. When I came out what happened?  I walked in and called everyone together and said 'Hi I'm TG and under help to have a sex change to make me match my gender" The response? Love and acceptance.

I was wearing nail polish. Next day, every woman in the department came in wearing nail polish.  (I cried).

You don't want to run from your life. You want to run to it.

You are a woman. Stand up and be proud. Ok there will be hiccups, there will be worse than that . But each problem forges our strength. We use adversity in a positive manner.

If you want to be crushed, go for it, but don't expect sympathy from me.  If you 'want'to be or you have to be Katelyn, you have a very, very easy choice.

Be your self.

You want a woman to help you?

Geez Sis you are family at Susan's, You are family. We are here to help.

You have a fantastic life ahead of you. Late 20's, you lucky girl.

Throw off all that doubt crap and go forward.

And guess what?

You are not alone - we are here to help.

Hugs, Have a think, have some dreams, and have a plan for being you.

Cindy

[MariaMx]

Hi Katelyn. I know how you feel because it was pretty much the same way for me. For years I was deeply depressed and all I wanted to do was just live my life as the real me, but I was so ashamed of my dark deep secret I could do nothing about it. The idea that my friends and family would find out about me was unthinkable. I couldn't possibly imagine how I could look them in the eye should I come out, so almost every day I would think about running away from it all and starting a new life.

Running away however didn't seem like a very good solution, so I came to the conclusion that just maybe leading a double life would do the trick. I was very lonely and thought that maybe if I could find a boyfriend that would love me for the girl I was then things would be okay and I would have someone when I eventually might go full time and lose it all (ie. friends and family).

My plan did not work out however. I won't go into details but in my attempt and failure to find this special someone I did learn to accept who I was and that there was nothing I could do to change the fact that I was trans. At the same time things had gotten to the point that the consequences of coming out and transitioning no longer mattered. As far as I was concerned my life was over if I didn't transition, so then and there I decided to just go ahead and do it. The sense of liberation I felt immense and after e few months of planning I came out transitioned. This was in my late 20's.

The strange thing however was that all the fears I had turned out to be totally unfounded. Actually, after I had come out and my friends and family had gotten past the initial shock it all started to make sense to them. For years they had seen me and tried to help me out of the miserable state I was in. Nothing had worked, but now all of a sudden the problem was solved and they turned out to be very relieved and happy for my. It all worked out the totally opposite way of how I thought it would.

You don't give much context to your situation. I don't know what your friends and family are like, but if they are anything like mine it might not be anywhere near as bad as you might think. In the end it turned out that I was the one that had a big problem with me being trans and that I had projected this negative image of guilt and shame onto those around me. In retrospect it was actually quiet silly of me to think this way and I wasted a lot of time because of this. I don't know if this might be true for you but it is a possibility you should seriously consider before you try to run away. It might turn out to be totally unnecessary.

Maria

[gennee]

There's a saying 'wherever you go, there you are'. No one  can live life for you. I was on my own when I was fifteen. I had to take life on and hard decisions were made. Like Cindy said, be yourself.

[Katelyn]

My main problem is that I'm not sure about myself enough to stand up to my parents or anyone else or not let shame keep me from sincerely sharing my feelings and situation.  This is where I have the disadvantage from many of you, because many of you KNOW who you are for sure, enough to stand up for yourself.  My situation is more complex and this is why I couldn't convince my mom to have sympathy with me, which is why she never accepted and supported me being transgender. 

Me, I hover between wanting to be a woman for sure no matter what anyone thinks, and thinking "what the hell am I doing" and that I'm really just feeling like this because I like women so much that I want to be one and that I wont fit in with other women because I don't like guys and don't want to like guys, and that I wish to have a romantic relationship with a woman because I love nice and caring and feminine women and that I'm shooting myself in the foot in life because its going to be damn hard to find a woman that will accept me.  In other words, I go between truly wanting to be a woman and feeling like maybe I'm not really one and that I could still try to make it in this world in the male form, especially given how much easier it is to get things done in an unsympathetic world (however, when I think of the latter, eventually what usually happens is a sense of loss and disappointment and anger over my situation in life, and that I truly don't want to be part of the male gender and would rather be miserable not being able to be a woman than the alternative.)  I don't know what the hell I truly am at times and I'm so conflicted with myself that I feel like I'm truly stuck in life.   

Add to this that my dad is Chinese and felt privileged to have a son, and that my mom is hispanic and comes from a family that praised machoness, and that my families from my dad and mom's side I feel probably wouldn't be able to be sympathetic to someone that is transgender. 

[kelly_aus]

Me, I hover between wanting to be a woman for sure no matter what anyone thinks, and thinking "what the hell am I doing" and that I'm really just feeling like this because I like women so much that I want to be one and that I wont fit in with other women because I don't like guys and don't want to like guys, and that I wish to have a romantic relationship with a woman because I love nice and caring and feminine women and that I'm shooting myself in the foot in life because its going to be damn hard to find a woman that will accept me.  In other words, I go between truly wanting to be a woman and feeling like maybe I'm not really one and that I could still try to make it in this world in the male form, especially given how much easier it is to get things done in an unsympathetic world (however, when I think of the latter, eventually what usually happens is a sense of loss and disappointment and anger over my situation in life, and that I truly don't want to be part of the male gender and would rather be miserable not being able to be a woman than the alternative.)  I don't know what the hell I truly am at times and I'm so conflicted with myself that I feel like I'm truly stuck in life.

Two things jumped out at me in this paragraph that I thought I might give my insight on..

Firstly, after coming out almost 2 years ago and having been on hormones for 13 months, I still have times where I wonder what the hell I'm doing..

Secondly, don't try and wrap your gender identity and your sexual preference up together. I've only just sorted mine out.

[Cindy]

To be honest Katelyn, that is almost exactly how I felt when I was your age.

I was also the only 'boy' in an Irish Catholic family and I was the prized 'male' who would keep the family name alive.

I was also the gross disappointment and failure when I came out to my parents. They still loved me, but could never understand me and had no comprehension whatsoever of my problems.

As far as relationships go I was more interested in girls than boys but the interest was complicated with jealousy of girls my age, and aching lust for girls in a total sexual manner. It's called testosterone BTW. At your age it rages through the body, and it is a powerful chemical.

Yet, what do your sexual fantasies consist off? There is no reason to post the answer. But in a very general way, we fantasise about the subconscious thoughts that drive us. I realised after talking to a therapist, that I have never fantasised about making love to a woman as a man. Even as a teen reading PlayBoy etc, I was always the woman in the picture. I was quite shocked when I was told that most men would not have that thought, that they would fantasized about making love to the woman in the picture. I still have problems thinking about that

If you can talk to a professional therapist. I know we tend to throw that one down a lot, but it is the way forward. Therapists do not convince you at all about what to do, they talk about your feelings and concerns, and can offer some guidance. Where to find them? Depends which country etc you are in, but your family Dr may be able to help, or your student counselling service.

Cindy

[Sephirah]

The most worthwhile things in this life are never easy, hon. That's what makes them significant. And the path of least resistance isn't always the right one to take.

I sometimes think that people create images in their mind of ideals they want to aspire to. When people say things like "I want to be a woman" or "I want to be a man", I think maybe that there's already an image of some perfect representation of what that is inside a person's head, based on... well, who knows what. And the conflict comes from an internal realisation that perfection is, in itself, an unreachable state.

Actually being something doesn't have to mean fitting that mould you create for yourself. It doesn't have to mean being a representation of everything you think you know about what a woman is, or what a man is. Because they're all just amalgamations. Averages. Puzzles pieced together by everything and everyone else to create a picture which doesn't exist in the real world. But often that picture is what gets stuck inside one's head as the poster-child for what it means to be one thing or another.

You don't have to be a woman. You just have to be you. In whatever way that is which stops the pain and misery you feel at being something you're not. It's not necessarily a case of adopting something new, but a case of letting go of something old.

Believe it or not, many men don't fit in with other men, and many women don't fit in with other women. And this has nothing to do with whether they're men or women. It's all about one's attitudes towards life, the way one feels about the world, and those in it, and the experiences one has been through. There are as many differences among women as there are similarities. But differences are what make people interesting. If everyone was the same, no one would have anything to say to each other. What makes friendships is often more about the people themselves than what sex they are. And eventually, we all find our niche in life, and people who we fit in with because of who we are, rather than what we are.

Finding someone who will accept you is more about being in a place where you can accept yourself, hon. Because if you can't... then you can be whatever everyone else expects you to be and yet still hold yourself back from actually being happy with someone because of the way you feel about yourself. What happens if you're trying to live in a role you hate, and which makes you miserable... if you meet someone who accepts you in that role? Especially if that person embodies everything you wish you were, or had? How does that relationship go? Can you stop yourself feeling jealous of what they have that you don't? Can you say that there won't be more miserable feelings that they're living a life which you had for yourself? Can you honestly say that you would be happy with them? And that they would be happy with you?

I'm not going to tell you what the right way to be is, because that's something you can only decide for yourself. All I would say is that living a life of misery because you think it will be easier... well, often times the way you feel inside bleeds out into the world around you, and your relationships with people you care about. And if that's negative, then that life can sometimes be just as much a struggle as the one you fear if you choose to do that which will remove the pain and anguish you feel.

Listen to your feelings, hon. They tell you more about who you are than the maelstrom of thoughts whirling around inside your head. From the sound of your posts, they're already far more consistent than the thoughts which shift and change. Maybe they're trying to tell you something.

[Felix]

Sometimes I wish I could disappear into a crowd or a foreign land and never tell anyone what's in my pants, or what my birth name was, or what it means to live this way. Sure.

[Asfsd4214]

I wish that I could run away from my life.  I wish I could go far away or disappear into the anonymity of a big city and never have to see my parents again.  I care about them and it pains me, it has pained me for years to feel that I may have to sacrifice them, but I'm tired of being inhibited because of what they would think of me.  I also wish I could go away from friends as well as my male identity.  I wish someone, woman or man, could take me in and help me and give me support in being the woman I wish I could be.  I hate it that I have to be worried about making money (I am making but I have to be worried about fully supporting myself if I'm alone in the world as well as saving up for SRS) , and I hate having to be worried that the world would respect me, and having to cling on to this male identity just so that I can feel safe and function in society (the uncertainty of how the world would treat me if I didn't pass, I was bullied when I was young so I know the terror of feeling unsafe).  I hate having to be an actor in this world just to please my family.  I hate it that I care about my family, and I have to emotionally suffer just so they won't emotionally suffer.  There are many times I wish I could run away from my life  (i'm in my late 20's btw.)

Anyone here have felt like running away from one's life?

I've not only felt like it, I've done it.

A lot of people say you can't run from your problems, that it's better to deal with them head on.

I didn't, I reached a breaking point and just left my home town and moved interstate, leaving any possessions I couldn't fit in my bags behind. Took my phone, proof of identity, some clothes, and as far as I can remember that was about it.

That was over a year ago now, and I consider it to be one of the best decisions I've ever made along with transition.

I went somewhere where I had friends I could crash with, which is what I ultimately did, but I also became familiar with all the homelessness services in the area.

It all comes down to what you're willing to sacrifice and how badly you need to run.

It conflicts with conventional wisdom but I'm a runner, I run from problems and see no reason to deal with them if I can avoid it.

When I think about the things I would have missed out on if I hadn't run... it's astounding to me. I would never have met my partner, whom I love more than I've ever loved anyone before. Would still have to deal with my mother and her abuse.

I was early 22 when I ran, it's all about how desperate you are I guess.

I can't tell you if running is right for you, nobody here can. But I will say sometimes the stupidest, scariest decisions, the ones where you just jump in the deep end and see what happens, can sometime actually work out despite the odds.

[peky]

Like Genee I was left to fend for my self at a very tender age, no love, no support, just abandonment. I struggle and suffered many deprivations but survived, and mange to pursue many interests and above all an education.

Transition was put on hold because education was a priority (as a way of securing a positive cash flow), after that  it was delayed because marriage and children, so much pain and sadness, but in my head I was what I always had been, a female. I dream and fantasied, and never stooped feeling feminine.

So here I am, successful in my career, and with a bunch of adolescent kids living with me, driving me crazy, sucking all my monies, but loving me so much. Two year ago I dropped the act, and came to the world, and have been living as myself. I pass very well, my gender designation has been change from M to F in my legal papers, and I am about to legally change my name to "Peky"

Do I miss not having transition early? You bet I do, but I do not regret it. I would not give up my children for anything in this universe.

Remember that saying: "you can run but you cannot hide; eventually it catches up with you." Make plans for your life, and stick to your goals. Fist, secure a way to make monies. Do not dwell in self pity or defeatism

[Asfsd4214]

Remember that saying: "you can run but you cannot hide; eventually it catches up with you."

Not if you run till you die. 

[peky]

Not if you run till you die. 

LOL

[Amazon D]

Not if you run till you die. 

I feel we only shed our shells and if we have unfinished work or life to live here on earth we will be stuck in a limbo and humans won't hear us or see us but we will still be here.


as for the original poster i say you have to work and survive and can't expect to be taken care of. You like women you say but they don't want girls like us. Well maybe a very very few do.

You have to see the truth and stop fantasizing about this. You need to get out and work firstly. Then in time you can find a sense of self. Transitioning isn't free. Living isn't free. What do you have to offer the world is the question i always ask myself. What can i give to others and that will make me feel like i am worth something. I recently learned about a sister who left home and at first she had come to live with me but my home was to rustic for her. I tried to get her a place in NYC where a sister offered to help her find a job etc but she decided to go back home and then onto calif. She had an income from disability and a car and well she passed pretty well but she got taken advantage of by other trans and ended up taking her life in her car in a stores parking lot. She now may be stuck in that limbo not being able to reach people here but her spirit still being here as she goes thru a type of hell. I can't say but i did decide to google her for some reason and i found out what happened to her. She was buried by her family as a male.

Life is meant to be experienced. That is what life is about. What experiences do you want to seek? You and you alone have to make choices. Some do leave home and do well. Some die. Some tell their parents and all goes well while others don't. Be careful if your living at home and not working and hanging out on the computer and thinking your trans when in reality you might not be as you say. That can be a way to even further restrict your life or make yourself feel like you have even now a bigger obstacle in life and thusly makes you even more depressed.

I would go back to before you got here and go to when you finished high school and when you went to college if you did and go back to the beginning and start over and tackle little things at a time and don't take on too much mental stuff. The web can be a drag down for many youth as it can mislead them down paths they never might have attempted to go down.

You probably have a youthful sex drive and that too can become a plight. if you ask yourself these many things you can go backwards to then start out in the right direction. That may lead you back to here but hopefully if it does you will have resolved the basics such as having a job or finishing college and having a career to be able to move on and figure out if you do have a GID issue..

go now and look back at start over and get things right.
hugs D

[Katelyn]

as for the original poster i say you have to work and survive and can't expect to be taken care of. You like women you say but they don't want girls like us. Well maybe a very very few do.

You have to see the truth and stop fantasizing about this. You need to get out and work firstly. Then in time you can find a sense of self. Transitioning isn't free. Living isn't free. What do you have to offer the world is the question i always ask myself. What can i give to others and that will make me feel like i am worth something.

I tried tackling that quite some time ago.  I have been making a significant amount of money since 2009 through stock photography on the internet, and now make around $2500 a month.  However, doing investment in photography and in producing sellable photography is expensive.  In addition, I want to live in some city which has more open minded and liberal people, and I live nearest California, but L.A. and San Francisco are expensive cities where $2500 a month doesn't get you far. 

Life is meant to be experienced. That is what life is about. What experiences do you want to seek? You and you alone have to make choices. Some do leave home and do well. Some die. Some tell their parents and all goes well while others don't. Be careful if your living at home and not working and hanging out on the computer and thinking your trans when in reality you might not be as you say. That can be a way to even further restrict your life or make yourself feel like you have even now a bigger obstacle in life and thusly makes you even more depressed.

I would go back to before you got here and go to when you finished high school and when you went to college if you did and go back to the beginning and start over and tackle little things at a time and don't take on too much mental stuff. The web can be a drag down for many youth as it can mislead them down paths they never might have attempted to go down.

I'm not too much on the internet about this, in fact there are long periods of time that I don't even come to this board or search about trans issues.  This is all internal stuff that even when I'm busy doing photography, I'm thinking about.  It was when I finished college that I desired to have some clarity on my trans issues, but that led me down to a road of even more confusion and conflict as I found out much more evidence that I may be transgender (but yet still no "smoking gun") but yet at the same time still confronted by the reality that It's not easy for me to be a rebel of society and of my parents because this world is not sympathetic or forgiving if you happen to at some time in the future to not have enough money or are emotionally sensitive or are dysfunctional in being able to work, or just happen to not have enough well off friends (because people with a lot of well off friends can get a lot of help) or if you don't fit well into society (because then you can't get good jobs and such) or if you have problems standing up for yourself (because your not a fast thinker.)

You probably have a youthful sex drive and that too can become a plight.

My sex drive issues are actually very complex with me having a relatively low sex drive, probably because my gender issues get in the way of my sexual enjoyment (when your sexual fantasies are the opposite of your birth sex, how can it not?)

[Michelle G]

well, sometimes escaping does work out!

Four years ago I ran away from the wet depressing Northwest to sunny northern California!

We gave up great high paying jobs in the city and moved to a cute small town in the country with no job prospects but enough saved money to buy a nice place and start a business I always dreamed about....the bonus is I'm 800 miles away from nosey conservative, non understanding parents! I can finally relax and just be "myself"!

I had run from things before when I was younger, with just a box or two of clothes and an ok job I stayed with friends for awhile then met a girl and moved in with her...still together and all is pretty good actually, I know I am very lucky that it all worked out. But having all this gender confusion in your head and trying to maintain a job and a "normal life is very hard

[Katelyn]

^ I wish I didn't have to have a mom that is stuck in life with only support from my dad because my sister is living with my dad, that doesn't have a car fit enough to use for work, that doesn't have problems with thoughts of suicide or thoughts of worthlessness because she doesn't feel like she can get a job at 60 years old, and when it comes to things other than my gender issues, is a very caring and supportive mom. 

[JJ]

Many times, Katelyn. But it's mostly a futile exercise. The best way to deal with a problem is to deal with it.

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

No matter where you go, there you are.  And funny how problems seem to find you.

You are young.  Take control of your life.   Life is what you make it.

I am 58 and I am starting a new career, as Veterinary Technician.  It is never to ate to live your life on your terms.

And my BFF is getting ready to enter medical school as a doctor, she is just 51.