Sorry, as the title says I just really need to get this out. My really close friends (there aren't that many) hear me say this a lot, but I really hate people. Let me clarify that though, in general I'm actually a social person, I tend to get along well with others in person, and usually I have a good time doing so, much more so lately. I treat others the way I would want to be treated, and generally find that it's reciprocated. I know with all of that I am INCREDIBLY lucky and I truly value that for all it is worth. Obviously with that said, I shouldn't have a complaint in the world, or at least I shouldn't hate people, but I really do. How is it that the people we least expect it from can hurt us so deeply?
I know this is going to seem minor, but its raw and just happened, and it hurt me a lot. So this weekend my parents are having a bunch of people over and asked me to come and cater for them a long time ago. I agreed to no problem and I'm happy to go out of my way and do all of the work etc. So of course confirming all the details has been a royal pain but whatever, that's normal for most of the jobs that I do so in that sense its just another day at work (well except for the fact that I'm footing the bill, rather than being paid).
So anyway this morning mom went out of her way to make it a point to ask me to not come as Alexis, but rather come presenting male. I was totally unprepared for that. First of all I take my business very seriously and I try to be professional at all times regarding it. Second, I am still not out in regards to my professional life, its something I'm working towards but I'm not there yet. Work for me, which this is, is always whites with my hair tucked under a hat. She knows this, so there was no reason for her to even ask me, but still she did. So like I said, I was stunned. I didn't even reply to that statement, and just kept going down my checklist to make sure that everything was set and ignored the comment while tears welled up. I got through the phone call as quick as I could and yea...
So back to what I was saying, I really hate people. While the gravity of it is minor, and I'm sure that she thinks nothing of it, to me it was nothing trivial. It was like the most invalidating thing she's said. I know that transitioning wasn't their first choice for me in life (or even on the horizon). It took some time for adjustment, but I thought that after they really saw how much of a different and happier person I was becoming, that they were behind me, which was really important to me. In that one comment though it felt like they still see everything as a joke, or something that I can turn on and off. I know that they saw me for 25 years as their son, and I'm tolerant of when still use those pronouns and correct them because I can understand slipping up. But now I wonder if its all intentional.
I don't have a choice in the matter, I obviously can't go to work as someone else, the only person that I can be is me. What's so sad and so hurtful is that it seems like my parents still see it all as like some alter ego. It's clear to me that they both don't seem to understand that regardless of wether I go presenting as male or female I'm still going as Alexis. I'm not some persona that manifested, I'm simply me. Really all they have accomplished is hurt me, and funny enough they've asked me to cross-dress and present as male. Whatever.
Anyway, just really needed to get that out
