sometimes it really sucks to be a transsexual....

[crazy old bat]

I'm kind of agreeing with Noey on several things.  I've found that the less people know about anything trans, the better the interaction with them is and the more accepting they seem to be. I'm not a fan of some of the documentaries as it makes it appear as if some of our most private stuff is open for others to know and it gives people the impression that its ok to ask extremely personal questions.   

I only ever talk trans stuff with a gay friend of mine and to be honest, even that often enough has problems so I generally steer it to something else before he ticks me off again, lol.  He thinks he gets it, but in reality, he's really not.

[Julie Wilson]

Well...  I was fired from one job for being trans (no reason given) directly after being outed.  And I was forced out of two other jobs.  I realize I wasn't working in a conventional industry and a lot of my coworkers are of questionable character and very catty, back-stabbing women.

Anyway... I presented myself as female (and I believe I am female), transitioned.. had surgery, etc.  Believe that somehow I have always been female hence the transition thing...

Anyway often times women play on the ego of males.  After the rumors about me being trans circulated at my most recent job one of my coworkers approached me and said, "Did you used to be a man?"  And I was like, "No."  And then she was like... "Oh come on, you are way too pretty to be a real woman."  And I was like, "Well sorry... don't know what to tell you."  And then she was like, "Oh it would be so hot and sexy if you used to be a man."  O_o ...

That same night one of my other coworkers (who I had never spoken to before) said, "So... did you go to the pride parade?"  And I was like, "Why would I go to a pride parade, I'm not a lesbian?"  And she was like, "You know why."  And I was like, "I'm not into that."  And then she was like, "We have a lot in common, I dated a hermaphrodite once." 

Someone from my previous job had showed up at my new job and informed everyone of the rumors that were accepted as truth at my old job (causing me to be forced out of that job).

The goal was to get me to confess, so they could destroy my ability to compete financially.  They are ALWAYS successful.  All it takes is a rumor to destroy everything I ever worked for.  All it takes is a rumor to undo hours and hours of FFS surgery.  One rumor and everything about me is fake and I'm just a man again.

I know it's hard for some people to fathom a job like that.  I feel like I already provided too much information though so if you can't figure it out, sorry.  Not everyone punches a time card or works at a place that protects you and some jobs rely heavily on your being female in order to be successful.  Think adult entertainment type jobs.  Not all of us have a fancy degree nor can all of us pay our bills with an entry level job at a fast food chain.  Sometimes when you transition you have to take whatever job you can get.

Without trans awareness I would probably have a job right now and the quality of life I experienced in the last few years would probably have been much kinder and gentler.  As it is every new job I am able to find is temporary because it's just a matter of time before someone out's me or starts a rumor.

And I don't know how to rid myself of my anger and hatred for people anymore.  Especially the nasty women who were given everything on a silver platter so they could take a dump on me whenever the opportunity presents itself.  I can only hope they suffer miserable lives and burn for eternity in some hell dimension.

[michelle]

A simple fact of life is that we are all in the state of transition we are in because our "Walk abouts" through our lives brought us here.    We are transgender males and females because we are transgender males and female.  Some of us began this journey out in the open when we were young and some of us when we were a lot older.    We are here because that is who we are.   Many of us have tried to some how live in the gender we are not.    But we couldn't.   Some of us have much history in the gender we are not and carry tons of baggage from it.  Those who started their journey in their youth have less baggage and probably less financial security.   

I have a sneaking feeling though I may be perfectly wrong that there were some very insightful people who always saw us trying to be the gender we are not,  and were seriously puzzled as to why we didn't just be who we are.    I know its a struggle that lasts along time for I am 65.   But the feelings are coming over me stronger every day since I threw in the towel and told my whole world on Facebook and Myspace that I am a transgender female.  I am feeling stronger as a female everyday.   Even though I have never taken hormones but I live in a padded bra, I am feeling right not as if my breasts are going to break out all over.

I am really not trying to tell anyone how to live out their lives or that their fears are wrong for I have plenty of fears.   But we all know that transitioning from the gender we are not to the gender we really are is the hardest most difficult change anyone will ever be expected to do because the world's gender stereotypes are set in concrete and the line between the genders is never supposed to be crossed according to the bigots.   

But our journey through life has lead across that boundary and no matter what side of the nonexistent gender fence we wind up on in the end we will never be the same because of our journey.   So traverse your journey with love and joy in your heart because the light that radiates from you will expose the non existence of that mythical gender fence and free us all to be, just be ourselves, whatever that is.

These are just thoughts from an old transgender grandma which are meant to wander through the mists in hopes that it helps somebody make more sense of their lives.

[auburnAubrey]

Everyone.......

Awareness is not the problem.  It never has been.  People are the problem.  Awareness awakens the true and just in people who are true and just.  Even if they don't understand, they will accept, and also fight for your rights.  For the people who are not true and just, and are filled with hatred and bigotry, then the opposite happens.

But this happens with EVERYTHING.  And awareness is important.  Without it, we wouldn't have equal rights, women's rights, protection from disease, voters rights, effects of smoking, or drug use, use of asbestos and lead paint, and even humanitarian efforts, just to name a few.  And while we may not have a lot of protection, the protection we do have is because of awareness.

You just can't clump awareness into a category by itself, because it is solely inside the individual what they do with the information presented to them.

And my last point on it..... if it wasn't for awareness, I would have never known there was anyone else out there like me, or even a name for what I was going though, let alone help and resources for me.  And I'll assume that goes for a lot of you, if not all of you.  Because at some point, you were made aware that you were not alone in this.

[Joelene9]

  I was in a campout event hosted by a bunch of Colorado Springs people this past weekend and had some of the most negative responses to being transgender to date.  Think, the hometown of the Focus on the Family.  An old still practicing RN I knew and liked didn't know too much about my condition, even though she had some late night trauma experience that would expose her to transgender people.  I had to educate her on my condition, including the quirks of the endocrine system.  My Nurse Practitioner doctor knows a lot about the transgender condition and is still learning. 
  Most others at that event more or less accepted my transition and was business as usual.  There were two though.  Either person is religious, but they got their own beliefs.  One of them did sabotage my astro-imaging efforts by blocking my view of the southern night sky with his large RV.  I imaged elsewhere in the sky. 
  Joelene

[Julie Wilson]

Everyone.......

Awareness is not the problem.  It never has been. 

I love your posts and what you are saying, but you were more correct with it being a double edged sword.

The fact is that even good people will not recognize us as our true sex when they know we transitioned.  Often times it will seem like they do early in transition.  Also for people who transition late, who have left the job market and are no longer seeking relationships...  People in a situation like that may not ever notice the difference.

But if you need employment and if you are single and want someone else in your life.  If you didn't transition for a sexual fetish, aren't involved in the fetish community and if you just want a normative female life...  And if you pass as female... you will surely learn to divine the difference between acceptance and having people take for granted that you are female and the difference is monumental.  Perhaps in small ways but ways that are monumental to a single person who has to work to survive.

It doesn't matter how righteous or just or nice an "accepting" person is... the difference between that and people who just take it for granted that you are your sex is HUGE.  In fact I would run screaming from nice people who accept me and MUCH prefer the company of liars, beggars and thieves who just assume I am female because at least that way I can have a life with authentic interactions and be a real person.

I guess an individual has to experience both situations in order to appreciate them.

[Julie Wilson]

The other thing about nice people who accept you is they will out you to bad people who will destroy you.  They can't help it.  People can't idly stand by and let you fool people into thinking you are a real woman or a real man.  It does not feel right to them.  And by just standing by and allowing other people to think you are a real man or a real woman (their terms), they feel guilty of being involved in a crime of deception. 

No matter how good your friend is, he or she will out you.  They will do it like this... "Please don't tell anyone I told you this but Noey is actually a man who transitioned."  "You are such a good friend and normally I don't tell anyone but I was worried you would feel betrayed if you found out from someone else and I had never told you."  Then the second person may respect the desire of the secret teller not to tell for a few days but after a while it just feels so good to seem so smart for a moment by sharing such a secret.

The thing is people can't be trusted with a secret like this.  If you are out to one person you are out to everyone (eventually).  It is like that old story from the eighties about how when you have sex with someone you are having sex with everyone they have ever had sex with.

A friend who transitioned before me told me that being out is like ripping open a down pillow and scattering the feathers from the top of the Empire State building and then stealth is trying to gather up all the feathers afterwards - meaning it can't be done.

The sad thing is people are incapable of appreciating something they have never experienced.  So often times newly trans people create blogs and post their pics on the Internet.  Later on they realize that some things are now out of their control and they feel powerless.  I think that is a big reason why so many trans women commit suicide.  They feel like they did all that work for nothing.

[wendy]

Wow, Noey Nooneson, you articulate all my worst fears and paranoia. I think I completely agree with you.

I emailed my mum an article about a young and out transgendered child who started a new school as a girl. She emailed back saying "I wish that had been us, then we could have led a better more open life....if she can cope with all the prejudices that will be around and not care a dam, she will make it okay."

I went absolutely insane. I should be out and not care a damn? I agree with another poster who said that being out can have a corrosive effect on the self-esteem.

I appreciate that keeping this to herself stresses her somewhat and I feel some guilt about it. She has to hide photo albums, avoid topics etc. But I know for a fact that people will subconsciously treat you as your birth sex. They will never perceive you as you 'chosen' sex. The Freudian slips from people that knew me before is proof enough. Respect and kindness to address me by my chosen sex is not enough. For interactions to be truly authentic, they need to truly believe you were born as your chosen sex. I need to experience that authenticity. No amount of transgendered rights will do it. I haven't had hardships like a lot of folk here, but I still sacrificed a huge amount to have that experience.

Two good points:
1. We should not care...... but I do and it shows on my face.  I want to be out to people that know me and not out to people that do not know me.  It takes strength to be a woman and I do not have that strength.

2. People that accepted me as a woman treated me different.  It is a lot different than someone knowing you are trans and calling you Ma'am to be polite.
..........................

I am not interested in an alternative life style. Just wanted to be me.  That's all.

Think pass marginally in boy or girl mode.

Not sure I will ever integrate. 

What is really odd is we can not make it go away.

Doing nothing did not work.

[Sephirah]

If people want to be stealth and in a position where it's taken for granted that they are who they say they are, blending into society and trying to put behind them a past that they never wanted, then that's cool. I don't think anyone here is saying that isn't a choice an individual should be able to make for themselves in how they live their life.

The question I would ask, however, is how much of the constant refining of the procedures that allow people to do just that, such as SRS and FFS, the availability of therapists specialising in gender issues, the ongoing research into the origin of why we need to transition, the insurance coverage for various parts of the process... how much of that is direct result of people who are either unable to be, or choose not to be stealth and instead choose to live their lives fighting to promote awareness of trans issues and to have the need to transition taken seriously by governments and medical practitioners? I mean, if you think about it, every single person posting in this thread has benefited from an awareness of and information about being transgendered by sheer virtue of being on this website, and posting here, among this community. Without trans awareness, none of us would be here saying anything at all.

The folks who put themselves out there to make sure that information and awareness is there for others who may be going through the same thing and be unable to identify it, much less where to get help for it... well, I don't think it's really fair to say that they're somehow making the lives worse for those who choose to live in stealth. After all, if you're in stealth then as far as others are concerned, any views they have on being transgendered have no relevance to you anyway because it's taken for granted that you're not.

The point I'm trying to make is that on balance, awareness of trans issues has, in my view, done a lot more good than ill, and folks able to live in stealth now because of the current effectiveness of transition in affecting the physical and legal changes in order to do so are essentially standing on the shoulders of giants, who also sacrificed a huge amount in order for it to be that way. And I think that folks who choose to live their lives in that way should be afforded just as much respect as those who choose to live in stealth. Everyone deals with it in their own way, and I don't think it's the right of anyone else to say what that way should be.

That, however, is just my view.

[wendy]

The question I would ask, however, is how much of the constant refining of the procedures that allow people to do just that, such as SRS and FFS, the availability of therapists specialising in gender issues, the ongoing research into the origin of why we need to transition, the insurance coverage for various parts of the process... how much of that is direct result of people who are either unable to be, or choose not to be stealth and instead choose to live their lives fighting to promote awareness of trans issues and to have the need to transition taken seriously by governments and medical practitioners? I mean, if you think about it, every single person posting in this thread has benefited from an awareness of and information about being transgendered by sheer virtue of being on this website, and posting here, among this community. Without trans awareness, none of us would be here saying anything at all.

The folks who put themselves out there to make sure that information and awareness is there for others who may be going through the same thing and be unable to identify it, much less where to get help for it... well, I don't think it's really fair to say that they're somehow making the lives worse for those who choose to live in stealth. After all, if you're in stealth then as far as others are concerned, any views they have on being transgendered have no relevance to you anyway because it's taken for granted that you're not.

I marched on LGBT awareness day in Atlanta and that outed me.  I always swim upstream and it was a good decision.  It was done with a clear mind and open heart.  Now I am no longer a part of a church I was a teacher for 12 years, and I have been ostracized by a number of neighbors.

If possible a combination of stealth and non-stealth is healthy.  Many cis-gender do not want to be educated and I respect that.

I do not feel bad about being trans.  I feel bad about being rejected by cis-gender folks.  It is lonely.

[Nov413]

Having been rejected waaaaayyyyyyy too many times by varieties of people, I've gotten so used to it, that I guess it doesn't affect me as much anymore. It was worse back in the day when I truly had no friends, but now it's just another part of life.

Reading some of these things is kinda scary cause I have never considered that, but when I think about it, I feel like I would be able to handle it simply because I've already had experience with it. No matter what people say, I know I can focus on my own goals and move forward. At the very least I will move ahead through my work, and if I can, my words.

But as far as everything goes, you can't expect much from people right now, especially with the way the system is. You have to get off your idealist cloud that everything will be great and everyone will love you, because that just won't happen at this point in time. The system has people under their very powerful control, and it will be hard to break that. But that's why you must keep pushing, because at the end of the day, life is what you make of it. It doesn't matter what others say. They don't, and they will never know what it's like for you, because they are not you. So, just try to understand it from their view, because none of us were born with the very complex idea that "transgender" existed, and it has taken a long time for some of us, even know to fully comprehend what that means, now imagine what someone, who has no first-hand experience at it, knows. It is very hard, but it is getting better.

I guess what keeps me going is the thought that in the future, the world will live as one. I believe in people and that we can do anything. We just need to detach ourselves from this system.

[michelle]

The younger that you transition into the gender you are, the less history you will have in the gender you are born in and the older you get the more of that past will die and disappear.   You will be less likely to be outed.   When you start your transition in you fifties and sixties you have a long  history of life behind you in the gender you aren't that can come back to out you.   I was an teacher (mostly elementary) for thirty years and have fathered 6 children from 9 to 39 years old and have been responsible for helping to raise 4 more.   People I have taught, my kids, their friends, and my friends who have known me for more than forty years are on Facebook and have known me in the gender I am not (male).  I have grand kids who while they are too far away to see me would have only known me as a male, if I had not come out on Facebook as a transgender female.    I can only do what I can do, and live female every day until that's all people know me as.    I don't really need anymore close personal relationships than I have and people who meet me now can think whatever.

This is the problem with transitioning when you are older and have children in their late thirties.   I didn't think about this when I was young.   I only feared when I was thirteen that would die, drunk, face down in gutter as a broken down old male in a dress.   At one point in my life this very well could have happened.   We didn't have computers then and there was no community of transgenders to support me in the Dakotas when I was young.    Would I have become an outcast, I don't know.  People in the Dakotas are funny that way.   If they know you and like you and you perform a service to the community you can live and not be bothered.   If you can't do this and are really different in some way you are heckled until you leave, die, or conform if you can.   I might have made it as a prostitute, who knows.   I was afraid and  it took over fifty years and moving away to get over that fear.

The point being that for me it doesn't matter if I had all of the money in the world to spend on my transition and became the perfect woman.   My past would be there to testify that I was born a male.   Being female is who I am and not my goal.   For me its loosing the maleness and becoming female and letting the chips fall where they may.   

Also when you get old you start disappearing in the minds of others.    People start looking at what you can't do, not what you can.    When jobs are in short supply and you become to much of a cost in your chosen profession its hard to find work.    No one wants to pay a 65 year old teacher $50,000 to $60,000 to teach when they can get a young person for $34,000 if you are not excellent at networking.   I was the type of person who got teaching jobs in small rural communities whose population was dwindling, who worked hard, cared about her students, and went home and cared about her family.    I didn't marry into the community and I wasn't the best friend of a school board member.   If a school board member's kid didn't like you for whatever reason, sooner or latter you moved on to another little rural community and started all over.   I didn't see my world as dying.   I saw it as struggling to stay alive.   Nothing really became permanent.   It was moving on and changing until it was all over.

I can be a woman now, but I cannot hide my male past.   That is my life.   I am too old to give birth to children but not to old to be a grandma for grand babies.   There is no perfect woman's life for me even if I could change everything about my body.

The only point I can make is that if you want to live totally in a woman's world transition young.    The longer you wait the more complicated it becomes and the less you will be able to disappear into a woman's world completely.   As far as sex goes, I like sex, but sex outside of my current relationship only complicates my life more and its complicated enough.   If sex happens it happens but it happens within my current relationship.   And how it happens is personal and nobodies business.   But no more children,  there are enough in my life now and have been enough in the past.    I just hope that I am a woman long enough to work out any personal relationships I have with people in my past that if I ever live in their communities again they will accept me as a woman.   But maybe that won't happen.

All I can share are my  personal struggles hoping that some others here will gain something from them.    I wish I would have started younger perhaps after my youngest child with my ex was born.   If I knew my marriage was going to end any way maybe I would have.    My older children would have had more years to get to know me as a woman and I would have learned from my efforts with them.

I am rambling, being an old grandma, I know, but we are who we are and we really can hide any of it.   Life is a circle.   We create walls which cause hurt if people don't know about our past and it eats us up  inside.   If people know about our past we are hurt and made bitter by the stings and arrows of disappointment.   

We can only be happy and have our hearts full of joy and love being who we are.   Whatever the path.    The pain may all be the same, but at least we will die happy and joyful praising the day we let go and let God guide us to ourselves.   This is what my life has taught me.

[Julie Wilson]

The ...

I enjoyed reading what you had to say.  It didn't come off like rambling to me, it seemed pertinent and helped me to appreciate your experience more.

Anyway...  You mentioned that the older you get the more complicated it becomes and the less you will be able to disappear into a woman's world.  I agree with that, especially in regard to relationships and maintaining relationships after transition.  The only people I have in my life are my mother and my father.  I have never been married, never got anyone pregnant.  The only person I ever dated was a self-absorbed narcissistic trans woman who may have had Asperger's. 

I didn't transition at the youngest age (mid thirties) my body is in incredible shape and very feminine looking.  I even have hips and an hourglass figure.  FFS and my own personal skincare regimen have allowed me to look hella younger than I am so I would say that having a female looking body, being younger looking and having had a very successful FFS and BAS experience have allowed me to do things I would never have otherwise been able to do.   So it counts for something is what I am saying.

[The Passage]

Hey, you know what? You're right. It does suck. It sucks really, really bad and no one but us knows what it feels like. So ->-bleeped-<- them! I've wanted to give up my transcowl many times but every time that goes through my mindset I just keep trudging forward! Looking at who I will be instead of who I am now. You know? Its hard but don't give up. Surround yourself with people who know what it feels like not people who would just laugh at you. And if other people DO laugh at you, you can have the support of friends who know exactly what you're going though.

[Kitty_Babe]

Lastly, it is an EVER so known fact, that MANY/MOST females, and this by nature in any way, - rely on their looks and attraction to a male. Nothing new here.
It is WHY we women during our reproductive part of our lives spend so much time, money and effort on this - good looks.
It is ALSO why we get catty and bitchy with the competition.
ANYTHING will do, all is fair in this sort of competition.

True, women tend to be aggressive like this about being attractive to men, and appearing to look more desirable than the next woman. Even more so if she actually likes a guy, who may happen to be giving *that attention* to you instead. Yeap, Bitchy claws drawn, Meyow ! You have to fight for your place as a CIS female same as anyone else. What tends to change here I think is when a woman, is 'settled' into a secure relationship and has got her man, she doesn't usually behave that that. Some might say 'she let her self go'. Kind of turns around a bit too, if she is insecure though, and thinks that she might be loosing her man to another woman. Back to situation 1, bitchy claw fight ? - justified though.

Now, place yourself in an industry that LIVES by that - ONLY -; only by dint of males following their sex-drives, - any competition will be considered as VERY bad news.
You have to toughen up like hell as a cis-female, - and if outed as non-cis you are fair game immediately and savagely.
What happens to the hen that does not fit in with the others in the chicken-yard ... ever heard of or seen a "pecking party" --- same thing. Only they will pick the outsider to death. Sure enough.

Well, live in a world of women, and your face doesn't fit, ofc your going to get pecked at. Then again, I think about this, and realise there are just as much 'two faced' people around too, who would appear nice to you, to your face, then call you all the names going, to their other friends, that's common in any social group. I think maybe your referring to the fact, that 'they know' your not a CIS female, in that case, get a tin helmet and run.

If they 'suspect' your not a woman, for any reason, you will be considered an out cast from their social group anyway, not all women behave like that, people are people, and you will find sympathetic women (and men) who will listen to your problem and support you. Those that stand and laugh and giggle, or call you names at all, are not worth talking to or knowing anyway.

My two cents as well ! 

[Dawn Heart]

I've been having a hard time lately....... lots of fear coming up, and with FFS and BA coming in August, I've been feeling anxious about full time, and myself in general.

Slowly, I've been working on myself.... realizing how much I've separated myself, almost into two people, and have been working on realizing I am just one person.  And it's time to stop living in fear and be the person I am supposed to be.

The last couple of days were actually good... and I started to feel that peaceful feeling again.  The feeling of doing the right thing.  And today, I actually had a pretty good therapy session, and was more comfortable about what's coming up than I have been in the last few weeks......

AND THEN:

I come home from dinner...  nothing special, just a skirt and nice top.... oh, and heels.  Had no problems out, feeling good about myself.... and I come home.

And my neighbor sees me.  And laughs.  He always seems to get a good chuckle when I'm in full Aubrey mode.

And with this one laugh from nearly a complete stranger, my world just kind of imploded.

I was never laughed at as a guy.  I don't want to be laughed at.  And I swear I'm ticked off to all hell that people think that this is my "choice".  Because I would never choose to feel how crappy I feel right now, simply because I am trying to be who I am.

I swear this just seems WAY to big for me right now.  I'm seriously ready to just pack my bags and head back for maleness.  I know it's all within me, that I am letting that laugh get to me, and I shouldn't, but it did.  And I'm just really ticked off at myself. 

I don't want to stop this transition (again).  I don't want to go through this again..... nor do I want to put it off until I finally get the guts to finish it, and then say "Man, I wish I would have continued this 20 years ago.

So yeah, right now, it really sucks to be a transsexual.

Thanks as always for listening.

Aubrey, let me pass a hug your way! First, because of the support I have found here so far, I want to pass that same support on to you. As a young person growing up, I spent lots of time in the LGBT community because of a family member and their friends. Also, I was severely bullied for my family member's orientation and in the eyes of my tormentors, my perceived orientation. It hurts to be laughed at or called names. I get that part! I really get it!

As I am starting my own road of dealing with who and what I am, in finding my own bravery to even start that journey by being here to talk about it, I want you to hear words of friendship and encouragement. You said you have slowly been working on yourself, and maybe you can fall back on that good feeling part of you and sorta say "he laughed, but I feel good about myself and I'm not going to let him ruin that". I am reminded about an old wise saying that says "small people talk about other people, but big people talk about ideas and improving their lives".

All of the other replies here bring their own value to the discussion, and with that what I am saying is that you can always use this thread as a piece of evidence that shows all the supporters you have. Sounds like you have a great therapist as well. Hold onto those things, and use them to remember that YOU are a valuable person who brings something special into the world.

[Kitty_Babe]

I've been having a hard time lately....... lots of fear coming up, and with FFS and BA coming in August, I've been feeling anxious about full time, and myself in general.

Slowly, I've been working on myself.... realizing how much I've separated myself, almost into two people, and have been working on realizing I am just one person.  And it's time to stop living in fear and be the person I am supposed to be.

The last couple of days were actually good... and I started to feel that peaceful feeling again.  The feeling of doing the right thing.  And today, I actually had a pretty good therapy session, and was more comfortable about what's coming up than I have been in the last few weeks......

AND THEN:

I come home from dinner...  nothing special, just a skirt and nice top.... oh, and heels.  Had no problems out, feeling good about myself.... and I come home.

And my neighbor sees me.  And laughs.  He always seems to get a good chuckle when I'm in full Aubrey mode.

And with this one laugh from nearly a complete stranger, my world just kind of imploded.

I was never laughed at as a guy.  I don't want to be laughed at.  And I swear I'm ticked off to all hell that people think that this is my "choice".  Because I would never choose to feel how crappy I feel right now, simply because I am trying to be who I am.

I swear this just seems WAY to big for me right now.  I'm seriously ready to just pack my bags and head back for maleness.  I know it's all within me, that I am letting that laugh get to me, and I shouldn't, but it did.  And I'm just really ticked off at myself. 

I don't want to stop this transition (again).  I don't want to go through this again..... nor do I want to put it off until I finally get the guts to finish it, and then say "Man, I wish I would have continued this 20 years ago.

So yeah, right now, it really sucks to be a transsexual.

Thanks as always for listening.

Just saw this, and felt I wanted to comment here, or make a few comments about what your saying...

First of all, your not alone, and I for one felt very much the same way when I was first 'transitioning' you got to start some where right, ?! thing you need to remember, is don't rush it. You are going to spend the rest of your life in that role, and you need to find that inner woman in you, and let her come out more and more and develop more in confidence. Better you are being confident in yourself, better you will be accepted. None of us had a child hood either rly as a 'accepted' CIS female, ofc, we behaved differently, and ofc, we were always female anyway, people do know that too.

When you suddenly decide to transition, its not like, 'hey world I am now Audrey' !! now bow before me, and accept me ! - nope doesn't work that way, most people don't even care who you or I are. Take it slow, let your body develop and change with the hormones. OK thing 'is' that not many people will tell you, is the fact there will be always some one who kind of clocks you, you will get that from time to time. I think even the best looking of us, probably 'has had' at one point in their lives some problem with some one. You really need a thick skin TBH, and get over it, otherwise you will be crushed by the thoughtless and insensitive looks, comments, fingers pointing people in the world. Remember though, you have a right to live and breath just as much as they do, they also have their own problems too, and like to use people like us as a deflection from their own sad problems in life.

yeap,. Unless you happen to be tiny, and not very tall, drop the heals.. Not good. Tall people stand out more, and people look at you, because of your hight, not because your clocked. That comes secondary, when people observe you then. I am tall as a person, I never wear heals, max size, is like 2 inch nothing more. Some times I even just wear sporty trainers anyway. with jeans. You need to look like any other every day girl/woman, not some kind of pretty woman clone. 

I really would stick with this, unless you feel its making you ultimately depressed, then that being the case, stop for a while, and take a breath !

[Carlita]

I just saw this ... add my hug to all the others! I know how awful that must have felt and I wish you all the confidence, courage and screw-em-all-defiance in the world as you set out on your journey.

Here's something that I hope will give you strength. I saw Springsteen sing Follow That Dream in London in '81 (yeah, I'm THAT old!!  ). It's always helped me and I hope it helps you, too ...

Bruce Springsteen - Follow That Dream (Live 1988)

[Alainaluvsu]

Well.. at least it's not 1982... way before the internet became accessible

[auburnAubrey]

I just saw this ... add my hug to all the others! I know how awful that must have felt and I wish you all the confidence, courage and screw-em-all-defiance in the world as you set out on your journey.

Here's something that I hope will give you strength. I saw Springsteen sing Follow That Dream in London in '81 (yeah, I'm THAT old!!  ). It's always helped me and I hope it helps you, too ...

Bruce Springsteen - Follow That Dream (Live 1988)

LOVE BRUCE!!  Thanks!  And thanks for the warm words...... I'm actually having a pretty good day today.  Starting to feel the idea that its time.  I think one of the wierd things that was hanging me up for a while was the fact that at some point, I have to "meet everyone again".  I have two (well, three, actually) jobs that I know a TON of people in.  So not everyone sees me everyday.  I am not running from that life.  It's much to rewarding, so yeah, meeting everyone again at some point should be interesting!