Twenty years ago when I told my wife I had gender issues things went very badly. Over the last few years this entire situation has been eating me up inside, and I finally had to tell her what I was going through. And tell her how my dysphoria is quite real and will not go away. She has known I grew rather large breasts, and that I wasn't concerned about them, but now she knows how I really feel about my feminine side. I told her I'm not gay or attracted to men, and the situation is not at all sexual. And most of all that gender dysphoria is not a sexual thing, and they are entirely different. Especially for me. I also made sure I told her how much I love her, and that I never want to hurt her.
Well, after explaining self medication she was a little shocked, so I also explained how I stopped and saw the doctor about my gender dysphoria. I told her about my test results, and what the doctors visits were all about. She now knows I have high estrogen tests, and that I just got a weird testosterone test that even I'm worried about. Then after a few minutes of her being a bit confused by the conversation, something surprising happened. She looked at me and said she has known that my gender issues were bothering me and that she had already accepted the person I was. That surprised me, and although it sounded stupid, all I could say was a very sincere "God, thank you."
So we went on discussing things more for a short time. We talked about the problems I have had getting to a Gender Specialist, my turning down the local therapist, and the results of all the tests. She has focused on the strangely very high testosterone level that's combined with the slightly high estrogen. Even though the doctor didn't raise concerns, my wife wants to know more. It turns out my health is more important to her than the gender thing, and that was extremely comforting to me.
But, the one thing she did not want to discuss is what I'm doing next. Throughout the day we went on to talk about our upcoming business ventures, and investments, but we never got into how far I am going with my gender. I can see she wants to say something, but just won't talk about it. So now I have no idea what changes she can accept from HRT. Maybe she hasn't worked this out as much as she says. Or is it that she really doesn't care? I just don't know, and if she won't tell me I'm walking in the dark.
Anyone out there have a suggestion?
